Last night, I willingly fell victim to a west coast wolfer. Caught in a bout of loneliness, insecurity, and emotional neediness, I allowed myself to be spiritually violated by a wolf in hippies clothing. As sky said afterward, I "fell right into his eyes." some combination of intense eye-gazing, well-timed compliments, and pure woo-woo BS tore down my defenses and whirled me into la-la land.
On the surface, it looked perfectly innocent--just casual conversation and foot-rubs exchanged on the couch. But when I finally pulled myself away to go check in with a very agitated Sky hiding out upstairs, my body was shaking uncontrollably from the massive influx of coursing, ungrounded energy. Sky quickly doused my flame with his look of incredulity, telling me that this dude was a vampire who preyed on women.
It took quite a while to shake myself loose of space-dude's energetic grip; some vigorous yoga and a long hot shower helped, but even during the next morning's meditation session, my mind was still racing with anxiety and fear. It really threw me to see my self-destructive blind spots in action.
Later, reflecting on the whole scenario with sky, I realized that a lot of my emotional and sexual desire towards men is rooted in a yearning for groundedness, real or perceived. Since I often have trouble grounding my own energy, I feel pulled towards people who are (or seem) calm, solid, grounded. In a way, its me passing the buck, shirking my own responsibility to center and process my own shit by resting in the ease and comforting solidity of someone else's peaceful presence. Sky's groundedness is a large part of my attraction to him--but he's also got a strong manic side...and that part of him has, at times, triggered doubts in me about whether or not we are a good match. There's a part of me that craves deep and quiet calmness, in myself and in my relationships with other people. How can I honor that without giving away my power to skeezy poser freaks?
So I'm trying to take this experience as a strong reminder that its unrealistic and even potentially dangerous to rely on someone else to do my grounding work for me. And to cast a suspicious eye on premature foot-rub offers.
Proust's Parlor Game
14 years ago
2 comments:
Kassia - I'm enjoying getting to know you through your blog. Thought I'd check it out since you are obviously a very important person in my son's life!
Respectfully, I'd like to ask a couple of questions about this post. First, why don't we call Sky's reaction "jealousy"? Second, do we know the motives of the "west coast wolfer"? Can we read his mind? (Hey, I've been there, done that, too, so I know what you mean, but still...) And "wolfer" seems like a perjorative term, but even if his motives are selfish, who is to say that's wrong? (I think it is, but in the philosophical world you and Sky describ, it seems like the wolfer would have the option to say there was nothing wrong with his actions or motives.
Finally...seems like you were letting Sky - or at least his reaction - determine how you should perceive your experience. Maybe Sky's reaction - and your anticipation of it - was the cause of your ungrounded energy.
Just some thoughts. I'm not asking these questions with any hidden agenda. I just think that there's some intellectualizing and spiritualizing going on that have old-fashioned words available to describe them very aptly.
I hope you're open to dialogue!
Lovely lady Kas -- I know the feeling I think you're describing... for me, it's the "oh yes, validate my worth with your attention, I'll slurp up every drop because it means I'm good, interesting, attractive, etc..."
I think it's something we learn as women, that when men pay attention to us it means we're doing something right (and it feels so good to be right!).
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