red letter day

today was too good not to blog about.

this morning's lev was a patchwork of songs, readings, chants an amalgam that felt organic and meaningful--i love the feeling of collective creation. after breakfast and meditating, i went on a fun quest to the old-timey hardware store in canaan for more canning supplies, then to a rich iowa neighbor's apple orchard. perched precariously, splayed out and reaching, i tossed giant apples down to jordan. 3 big boxes, ready for a massive batch of applesauce on thursday...

it was finally warm and blue enough to eat lunch outside and miriam brought out the giant hobart bowl of brownie batter from the kitchen.

after lunch meditation and then spray painting funky metal shelves for the squasharium/coolside/new cool storage space...enjoying the somewhat mysterious resolution of an odd interpersonal abrasion and tunes from naf's i-pod.

our afternoon limud started out with a relay race sorting objects (pillow, beetle, music) according to whether they are borei (created from nothing) or yetzirah (created from something). caught a bit of teva's bizzare and hilarious evening skit, mainly involving an outrageous cheech impression ( i guess the kids wouldn't know), then a brief pause at hillside for wine, apples,kraut and to pick up the dairy bucket. milking the goats is a joy of course. followed by a moonlit bike adventure back to the apple-neighbors to rescue my hat, riding home crunching an apple and gazing at jupiter's brilliant orb.

does it get any sweeter?

magical morning

biking through the early morning dawn to yoga class this morning felt magical, even though the class still kinda kicks my ass. i stayed in the yurt afterward to meditate and about halfway into my hour, i heard the door open softly, and casey from teva tiptoed over to ask if it'd be ok to play music--turned out that teva's morning community time was a dance/stretch/be party.

i stayed sitting as folks trickled in slowly, moving and stretching to gorgeous guitar arrangements of jewish melodies. the music picked up and as the bodies swirled slowly around me i could feel my internal balance shifting subtly and whirling in new patterns. those folks just exude love and openness and it felt amazing to meditate in their midst. towards the end i let my body rise and boogy to the music, then returned to my cushion for the last 10 minutes.

the weather is palpably turning now; folks are nesting, baking, and snuggling. i've put up a giant patchwork dividing curtain in my room and creating a cozy nest of nurturance for my winter hibernation. lots of rough inter-personal stuff is up with small community inevitability, and i'm doing my best to feel it fully and remind myself to keep engaging. its overwhelming sometimes but also deeply satisfying.

the falls

friday afternoon i was psyched about cooking up lots of sadeh vegis (garlic, onions, squash...and my first stab at wild rice!) for a big ole' shabbat dinner, but halfway through the afternoon i burned out on the social tension. my half of the bedroom i share had digressed into a disorganized, spiritually draining and irredemable mess. then jordon came to my rescue and we biked to the falls (of falls village). its a beautiful ride, on little country roads dappled with golden light shining through the tunnel of turning leaves. i vented some on the way, just getting shit off my chest. but when we got there, we entered a different, sacred space. sitting at the top of giant slabs or rock that curve gently down to to the tumbling falls, our souls unhinged and dissolved into the rocks and air. it was like resting in the hand of god, held gently in a giant love. we talked more, about our deapest fears and insecurities, about the shapes we saw in the clouds and our favorite parts of the waterfall (this calm pool, that bubbling spray)...and about how much we loved each other. it is so satisfying and empowering to feel such a strong and deep love and connection in a completely non-sexual way. when we finally dragged ourselves away and swooped down the hill towards home, i felt deeply healed.

the theme of this week is lonliness in a crowd. what i've noticed is that the times i feel most happy, open, and connected are in prayer, while playing music and when connecting deeply and authentically with another person. often they're not that different from each other.

on the outs

i don't want to mis-represent my life here by only writing when things are good...and boy have i been feeling wretched since returning to this crazy life on the jewish commune! i got walloped by a wicked combination of pms, transition blues, claustrophobia, touch deprivation, lack of sex, and over-programming that have left me reeling. it feels good to just let myself feel bad, so i'm doing my best to steal time wherever i can to be alone and down. or just to be.

i made a batch of applesauce this afternoon, from apples we picked this morning at a freedman board member's organic orchard (!). i bake one of the grotesquely bulbous blue squash, too, and a pumpkin shaped squash. its satisfying and good to remember how much i love processing food. the weather was grey and rainy, a good day for cooking and wallowing. i'm trying to remind myself to keep feeling empowered to create the life i want for myself here, and not get sucked in to the pre-programmed schedule.

there's a pig roast at a local CSA this saturday, and a cider pressing party at a local raw dairy on sunday--it'll be good to chill with some new and local peeps.

last night on the farm

its nighttime, way too late to be awake but i'm sucking every last drop of my time here.

the wedding was pretty sweet--everyone amassed at ZK (the dining hall) and garlanded themselves with ivy crowns, then processed through the woods to the Yanceyville Christian church. their ceremony was pretty short and sweet, a few readings and a few songs and it was over. i was impressed by their choice to sing a song after saying the vows (instead of kissing right away)--it built on and grounded the energy in a really beautiful way. and robert's vows to gwen and jonah (thea's kids from a previous relationship) were so sweet and touching (that was when i teared up). thea had a beautiful cream and gold medieval dress with giant sleeves and a gold sash, bright flowers in her hair and bouquet. robert a had cream pirate shirt and brown leather pants.

still, i was surprised that they stuck with the classic "death do us part" language. as always, it stirred up feelings about how i'd want to create/conduct such a ceremony for myself. definitely outside in a beautiful place, with lots of ritual aspects, intentions, and community involvement. i'd want to have music be a big part, too.

the reception/dinner/dancing was sweet and pleasant, all on the lawn of kaweah. we played music for awhile and people really appreciated it. its such a rush to play amplified in a quiet setting, like hurling myself into the laps of all these people; satisfies my inner leo. the food was excellent, particularly the stuffed portabellas and home-made truffles. the evening melted into a bonfire and brief chaotic contra dance, compost cafe singalong, sauna, and general mellow chilling. its really nice to reconfirm that this is a home i can feel safe and comfortable coming back to whenever i want. and i'm ready to return to my amazing life in connecticut, hopefully doing a better job at steering clear of the mental drama....

a day in old skin

its so interesting being back here at Twin Oaks; its similar to my new life in lots of ways but also fundamentally different. i'm really enjoying being in private space--at Isabella Freedman its sort of generally open to the public at all times. and even in the house, its still not really OURS. here there's such a deep and solid sense of privacy and (collective) ownership. it feels good to slip so easily into myself here, revisiting the person i've been for the past 4 years. and its nice to feel really OFF, i've kind of been steadily on for the past month. i'm enjoying having a room to myself and the quiet and lack of cars.

but i'm also aware of the deal-breaker differences. the whole ethic around work really gets me down. it just feels so bottomless--there's never a break. i love the spiritual underpinning and strong sense of purpose at IF. we're building this beautiful (if temporary) community, continuously steeping in a sense of purpose and gratitude with specific times set aside for just enjoying and appreciating the life we're creating.

looking at my IF life objectively and from a distance, i can feel my relationship to judaism shifting. its becoming less all or nothing and more gently integrated, less rigid and more infused with my general outlook on life (at least for now).

we had a band planning session in the morning; we're pulling together a southern tour for late february. our theoretical itinerary is floyd VA, birmingham AL, tuscaloosa (for a film festival, our anchor gig), New Orleans, then back through birmingham, asheville NC and greensboro NC. seems like a good time, and it'll be good to have (yet another) final hurrah.

an X-BF gets here tomorrow, i'm a bit nervous as its gone badly the past few times. i enjoy his company at first, but then there's his eternal romantic fantasy of us.

from home to home

this morning i somehow roused myself at 5:30 AM for a sleepy but satisfying morning meditation. we had lev at the sadeh with the tevaniks; it was a beautiful misty morning, the air wet with the promise of rain. when we got down there, folks were holding torahs, drumming and forming a circle. someone started melody, it drifted around the circle, died down, morphed...eventually it turned into mayyim and we danced in a circle, calling out for water and stamping the ground with our feet. this was our version of the hashana raba ritual, a sukkot rain-prayer. someone brought some willow branches into the middle and we spread out over the sadeh, beating the ground for rain. eventually we regathered and folks began singing prayers. (this sounds so cheezy but its actually a pretty accurate description....)

then i rushed home like a mad-woman to finish preparing for my journey south, and hit the road shortly after 9. destination: DC suburb, meeting up with the rest of the band for a simchas torah gig (will the holidays every end??). its our third simchas torah at this conservative synangogue, so it was interesting to notice the ways that i felt different in this space. most notably i felt much more comfortable and solid in my relationship to judaism: at ease and glad to participate when it felt good and made sense, with no weird pressure when i felt like stepping out. and it felt awesome to be reunited with the band again and this piece of my identity. now we're back at twin oaks, and its bizzare to feel this place again after leaving and putting down roots elsewhere. i like being here and knowing that my home is elsewhere.