a day in old skin

its so interesting being back here at Twin Oaks; its similar to my new life in lots of ways but also fundamentally different. i'm really enjoying being in private space--at Isabella Freedman its sort of generally open to the public at all times. and even in the house, its still not really OURS. here there's such a deep and solid sense of privacy and (collective) ownership. it feels good to slip so easily into myself here, revisiting the person i've been for the past 4 years. and its nice to feel really OFF, i've kind of been steadily on for the past month. i'm enjoying having a room to myself and the quiet and lack of cars.

but i'm also aware of the deal-breaker differences. the whole ethic around work really gets me down. it just feels so bottomless--there's never a break. i love the spiritual underpinning and strong sense of purpose at IF. we're building this beautiful (if temporary) community, continuously steeping in a sense of purpose and gratitude with specific times set aside for just enjoying and appreciating the life we're creating.

looking at my IF life objectively and from a distance, i can feel my relationship to judaism shifting. its becoming less all or nothing and more gently integrated, less rigid and more infused with my general outlook on life (at least for now).

we had a band planning session in the morning; we're pulling together a southern tour for late february. our theoretical itinerary is floyd VA, birmingham AL, tuscaloosa (for a film festival, our anchor gig), New Orleans, then back through birmingham, asheville NC and greensboro NC. seems like a good time, and it'll be good to have (yet another) final hurrah.

an X-BF gets here tomorrow, i'm a bit nervous as its gone badly the past few times. i enjoy his company at first, but then there's his eternal romantic fantasy of us.