catch up

i have been slacking of late, but only on this blog.  after that last post things got to kind of a fever pitch of internal struggling awfulness, and i finally decided i needed to do something.  and that something was.....


KUNG FU!

yup.  the same dojo where i've been doing Tai Chi twice a week offers daily kung fu training.  just drop in anytime before 12 and 7 and you will get to kick your own butt for the low low price of an additional $20/month.  who could say no that?

its actually been really really awesome. it is definitely the most consistently physically challenging thing i've ever done, and i regularly believe myself to be at my limit and find out that...i'm not!   i realized today that one thing i love about it, even though it regularly destroys me, is that it is the one place in my life where i get to show up, every day (M-F), be welcomed with kind sincerity, be pushed to my limits, and the whole time know exactly what i'm supposed to be doing.  almost everywhere else and everything else i do includes some nagging voice--"you're not working hard/fast enough, your being awkward, you don't know enough, you did that wrong, you should be doing X, Y, Z, not J, K, L."  and on and on.  at the dojo, its super simple  (though not easy).  150 crescent kicks on the bag GO.  and that's it.  and much as i may not want to, all that there is to do in that moment is do those F@#%ing kicks.  and when i feel like i just can't, then pause.  and go right back to them.

its also been awesome to have this physical outlet--because my anger tends to run hot and just under the surface.  its likely pretty old, unresolved stuff that gets triggered.  but i'll tell you what, punching  a bag 1000 times in a day will take all that anger right out.  puts things in perspective.

and, i feel stronger; physically, of course but more importantly, mentally and emotionally.  the same issues are still here.  feeling lonely, isolated, a bit at drift in the world.  self doubt, self-loathing, judgments towards me and everyone.  but its easier to just let them be what they are and not get as thoroughly sucked into their vortex of unsolvable mental and emotional tornadoes.

i even appreciate the physical contact, something i'm not getting all that much of these days.

plus, my teacher is super badass.

i saw the sign(s)

well, i kept an eye out for signs and i called for help...here's the list of today's signs/moments of grace:

1.  a lovely morning bike ride with my friend lizzi to the prairie.  we spotted some horses.

2. finding out about theology on tap, another opportunity to plug into the best church in town (United Church of Gainesville)

3. i made granola.  i planted my roselle and spread horse poop in my garden.  i ate my first bean and admired the tomatoes that are coming on.  one curly kale has survived.

4.  i randomly stopped at a friends house to pick up my phone charger and they invited me in for sausage and salad while their adorable naked baby romped with her potty book.

5.  playing solo at the fat tuscan again.  yummy fish/couscous dinner.  moving inside when it got buggy, and encountering a Fan who blossomed with surprise and delight upon sighting me with fiddle in hand.

6.  sky setting me straight and telling me how important i am to him and how much he cares about me.

7. biking home with leftover fish and the last piece of blueberry pie.

you matter

yep, time for another sad n' lonely post.  yay!  i am so damned sick of these pathetic self-pitying pieces of schlock, honestly.  but what can you do.

today i had a plan.  with a friend.  for after work.  i was so excited all day about not having to go home to the dark separateness of my solitary apartment.  we were meeting to go see the senior film projects from 2 UF classes, being shown downtown at the Wooly.  It was really nice.  i guess, i just figured, it being artwalk night and the entire town being out that maybe we'd continue hanging out after but alas.

ach.

2 things

1.  i got a message today from a friend that i had randomly reached out to recently on email, and they told me that just this weekend they had been having a particularly low ebb and contemplated killing themselves as well as planning how they would carry it out

2.  biking home with the usual rip-in-the-gut of feeling rejected again and utterly alone in the world, i screeched to a stop at an intersection where i didn't have the right of way, right as a car sped around the corner.  as the car slowed down the tiniest bit, the driver called out the window not unkindly, "watch for the sign".

so, as usual, i have a choice.  watch for the dark gloom (which will find me anyway), or watch for the sign.  when i got home, i reached deep to the very bottom of my mailbox, begging it to deliver.  and, lo and behold, a tiny envelope all the way at the bottom:

in the deep dark

One thing that has been happening this year is that i'm learning more about my (mild) depression and (major) anxiety.   The depression manifests as a kind of paralyzed, catatonic state where i don't want to do anything.  it makes it hard for me to trust my own rhythms of rest and activity.

Anxiety is a physical experience above all else.  its like a cord that runs through my skin is being cinched slowly until i feel overwhelmingly uncomfortable and eventually overwhelmed by pain; crazed, desperate to crawl out of my skin and myself.   the other night it was so bad all i could do was curl up in desperation, crying and frantic.  in those moments there's just nothing.  to do.  usually i hit a peak and then slowly retreat from there.  social interactions tend to make it worse, and can amplify it by ridiculous amounts.  often it feels like twin chords climbing up my back and wrapping around my head.  squeezing my head and choking me simultaneously.  there's little rational thought available in these moments.  like a friend once said, its like you reached up to get your tool box down from the high shelf and it slipped, smalling into your head and you just black out with useless tools scattered around uselessly.

Its taken me along time to admit that this is part of who i am.  because there's no on-the-surface reason for it.  my life is awesome.  i'm super lucky and very privileged.  i shouldn't need anything,  especially from other people.

it can get pretty dark in there

things that help, if i can manage to do them:  exercise, eating, hydrating (sometimes there's a bad cycle that happens where i'm stressed and anxious, and feeding myself becomes an insurmountable chore, which feeds the cycle).  tai chi.  meditating.  playing music.  singing.  dancing.  all these can take the edge off but often the full blown version is still close at hand, ready to climb back to fever pitch at any moment.  physical contact is one thing that cuts through it more quickly and deeply than anything.  i think this is why i have always craved it so much.  it is so grounding and gives me such a sense of peace and solidity.  right now i get very little if any physical contact.  and my anxiety cycles have been running pretty quick on top of each other.

i've been thinking about how many of my teachers have dedicated the majority of their lives and energy to the particular thing that they are teaching me:  tai chi, country fiddle, ortho-bionomy, improvisational music, singing.  And how i am dedicating my life to about 15 different things.  so, maybe i'll never be as good as them at any one of those things.  or maybe i'm just that awesome that i can succeed wildly at anything i put a significant amount of energy too.  But most importantly, each one of those things is a life-line for me when things get dark and horrible in the void of my internal chaos. the more lifelines i have, the better.

sprung

work at the chiropractor's has been kind of satisfying of late--there's this crazy new complicated insurance thang and somehow i am the one who understands it the most out of everyone there.  i kind of like geeking out on highly complex, detailed systems.  and shuffling papers.  sometimes i pretend that i'm on West Wing, with piles of thing that need to be dealt with covering my desk, things to fax and file and print....and punctuated by lots of sweet and silly conversations with folks on their way in or out.

Playing at Vine!

mmm, vine happy hour plate

and blackfire played at the Vine tonight; that delightfully cozy bakery cafe that was my first gig in Gainesville, and my first regular gig ever, source of my first regular massage clients, and my go to spot for middle of the day cookies.  i love that place.  it really has been like a home for me. Dean and Theresa, the owners are so sweet--it was Dean's birthday so they were having a rare night off, drinking champaign and listening to our music.   theresa (nearly always slightly stressed and handling 15 different things simultaneously) came over, slightly tipsy, afterward to ask when i'm moving and to say that she wanted to do a special event/send off party/final blackfire show at the Vine before i leave.  ....melt.....

also, it must be spring cuz i am getting crushes right and left.

worm time

i guess, according to many people, and most particularly, my parents, i am a total failure at life.  i'm not really financially independent, i don't own a house, i can't pay a mortgage.  i don't have a car.  i'm not married and i don't have kids.  i'm 35 years old, often go barefoot and forget to brush my hair.  i'm not on a career track.  i don't have an IRA and i'm not even really sure what that is.  i'm not providing financial support to my parents.

just a human here.  highly sensitive many-membraned human.  just trying daily to figure out what that even means, what this mound of flesh even is, what these zooming thoughts and emotions it seems to be teeming with are.

sometimes even that is asking alot.

yes, i'm drowning in privilege and good fortune. i don't  deserve any of it.  i don't know anything, just fighting to understand everything.  its a slow process.

i admit, i may have gone about all this backwards.  i guess most people start with the outer world, figuring it out--but i'm just getting to that part.  like i said.  slow progress.  for whatever reason i kind of started on the other end, backwards; inside out.  it just always seemed to me to be the more logical starting place; that the inner world determines the outer world, so why not start there.  instead of pouring my preciously limited life energy into making it out there, and then being left with whatever is remaining for the insides.

but you know what, f&*% that.  i am figuring it out, all of it.  outside and in.  i'll say this much, i almost never get sick.  i eat super healthfully and have many healthy habits.  I am pretty close to earning a living doing things i feel passionately about that contribute something positive and healing to the people around me.

  i'm managing to thrive in the cracks.

but man, nothing like a good dressing down from _____ to leave me feeling like a tiny, worthless, highly squishable piece of worm-poogoo ground into the highway by many giant trucks.

also, apparently time doesn't actually exist.    

roller coastering on

sigh, day 3 of waking up feeling like a poo-on-a-stick.  headache, everywhere-ache etc.  forced myself to go to church since holing up didn't seem to be helping (ok ok so its only been half-day hole-ups, but still.....)  and it did feel good to sit in that big, beautiful hall with nice, gentle people.

afterward, we went to the seminar, which was about the formation and transformation of UCG in the 70's.  Larry and Sandy, the indomitable ministers emeriti (they just retired last year) who had moved down from Connecticut to take over the flailing experimental congregation in 1974, as well as a couple who had been on the search committee for a new minister in 1973, regaled us with fabulous, hilarious and insightful stories.  I laughed so much at their wonderful recounting of the letters back and forth (from larry: "we're not sure we are ready to leave Connecticut, its almost cider pressing time and the leaves are just beautiful",  from Catherine (UCG member on the search committee) "ah, its december now and we just can't bear to be inside.  the children run around barefoot and its sunny every day").  it felt good to laugh and laugh, started to ease the headache that settled last week for a good long stay.

My Beautiful Church!

Afterward i had a little home-break, wasting time in the ways that i do....and also talking to Bruce Salmon about doing a show with Blackfire in Austin this June!  He was driving across Texas while we spoke; he lives in west texas now but lived in austin for many years before that, grew up in NOLA, mom lives in FL, so he lives in all those places now.  His accordionist friend and bandmate lives in Austin, Santa Cruz and NYC.

Here's a little vid of him + accordion and fiddle.

 managed to get some food in me (grilled bacon/avo/cheese sandwich+salad) and a small nap, then JD and i met up for busking at the spring arts fest.   its about 10 blocks of artist's little booths and many a meanderer.  we didn't play long, but what i enjoyed most were the songs that we are developing.  i am really loving finding my voice, and especially when i get to sing and then play and then sing again within one song.  people were appreciative and we made a good amount of dough.  then we walked up to the thomas center where jd was playing with the klezmer katz and i lay in the grass under a big old live oak, thinking about how lovely the trees are here and how much i'll enjoy coming back here.

headed home when a giant cooling wind kicked up, threatening a mid-afternoon storm.  managed to meditate and get more food in me before jazz bandits practice.



  i was glad to be there, mainly because i love Larry (minister emeritus now for UCG) so much and its great to get to be in a room with him.  i felt pretty good about my playing, as well.  started to have my usual meltdown where solos are assigned and i am somehow left off but i managed to rally enough to advocate for myself and get re-inserted; as usual larry noticed what was happening ("kassia always seems to get left in the corner!) which just makes me love him even more.

we worked on fever, and kali added in a lyric about jd and i; the 2nd time people coupled us today.  A lady at church had asked his name, and then "ah!  a strong name!  a strong partner you picked!" while i blushed and tried to back away and hide.  i guess it just shows when we are more in that mode, and people can't help picking up on it.

Larry gave me a ride home in his braaaand new prius, i told him about moving and coming back in the winters.  something shifted today about that--i had been thinking, well, i WANT to come back, but who knows.  but after today, hearing about those other musicians who are bi-or tri-local; HECK, why not??  So, its real.  its happening.

Its on, gainesville winters.