Supper's On

Cooking: meal planning, grocery shopping, prepping...and, what would you call that last stage of turning chopped things, oil and heat into a meal...alchemy?  Magic?  Catharsis?  

These have been my salvation during this year of near complete self dissolution/annihilation.  Luckily, in our weird-but-functional family work hierarchy, it counts as being fully Labor Creditable.  

I have been on Leo's Eczema/Allergy diet since he was tested last May, so must make do without: dairy, wheat, eggs, nuts, sesame, soy, sweet potatoes and avocados.  People ask "What do you eat??" and "What do you miss the most?" and "Why don't you just wean?"

Well, I eat: all grains-mainly oats, rice, and millet.  All veg and fruits (except the Avos and Sweet Potatoes).  And, MEAT.  Way more than I ever have before, more than I'd like and I try hard to stick to organic because otherwise, gross.  Snacking easily is what I miss the most, but as someone who leans too heavily on food as an emotional crutch this is probably a good thing.  And no, I would never choose to trade my son's health and well-being for my transient indulgence of food cravings.  Also I love nursing.  

Logistically, menu planning and actual cooking are pretty vital since most of the usual go-to foods are off the table (cheese, bread, eggs, nuts).  But also, thank goodness, because being forced to really COOK, not just eat a cheese sandwich or fry some eggs has literally saved my hide many times over this year.  

On long, lonely, aggravating days, 10 tantrums deep by 12pm (I was going to say, not mine, but TBH things got pretty ugly around June-November....) it is so deeply satisfying to create (and finish one beautiful thing that is just for me.  Bonus points that it happens to benefit the rest of the fam and masquerades as a selfless act of service.  

I feel like a huge liar actually.  

It would be pretty easy to alternate 5 simple recipes that are quick and fairly healthy.  Instead I spend 30-120 minutes each week poring over cookbooks and the NYT cooking website, searching for new, fun, enticing recipes that will generate a week's worth creative joy.  

Grocery shopping is a different kind of indulgence, 60 minutes + driving time where no-one is asking me any questions, demanding that I get them anything, tugging at my clothes, or beating at my breast (my son is shameless in his requests for nursing).  

But THEN,  haha then,  I've thrown my hat over the fence.  The ingredients are sitting right there in the fridge, demanding to be used lest they rot or mold.  So no matter how tired, unmotivated, or emotionally drained I feel now I HAVE to carve out the time to cook.  It often begins with stolen chunks of time,  sneaking downstairs before anyone wakes up to measure out the dry ingredients or chopping the onion while Leo eats his lunch.  But at some point in the day, the rubber meets the road and its time to tune everyone out and get 'er done.  

There are the occasional strike-outs, but gratifyingly, though my kids snub their noses at most leftovers they will eat almost anything that has been freshly prepared.  Yesterday I sat down to mashed butter beans with sautéed garlic broccoli rabe, corn chips on the side.  Today, I served up my bowl of white rice with tomato-chickpea-spinach stew while the chaos continued to reign around me.  

Deep in the belly of the pandemic, when I had stopped doing massage, stopped playing music, stopped climbing, stopped chatting and laughing with other moms, stopped doing pretty much anything at all for myself, these tokens of love and creativity were secret love missives to my dormant self.