another day, another slash

ok, so i'm taking on foenix's unstated (and likely not even intended) challenge to use this durn blog a bit more....today was a bit of a toughie and right now i'm raging at the difficulty of being intimate with people AT ALL. specifically people that i don't live with whose faces i can't see as they deliver curt one-liners regarding their state of being/lack of space for mine. sometimes it feels like the New Culture does away with basic courtesy--imposing the violent act of shoving my stuff down my throat, gulping it down til my gut protrudes with undigested emotion. so why? why? why? why does my ego demand constant stroking? because maybe that's all satisfying intimate connection is--an affirmation that I Exist. My friend Oren once told me: most conversations between two people could be boiled down to "me, me me, you. you you you me me me. me you you me, me you me you". and then...us. that's the truly scary bit, stepping into that space of us so that some part of me exists in some part of you, and then how do i hold that bit, how do i protect and keep it from being wounded when you he she it shuts me out or down or just turns away.

thank goddess i exist only as wispy bits of now