Rock and a Hard Place

My partner Sky and I have been together two and half years now, and in that time our relationship has fluctuated from totally open to totally monogamous, and everything in between. We work hard to be honest with ourselves and each other, and to take responsibility for our own part in the challenges and difficulties that arise.

A year and half ago, Sky said he wanted to move back to the West Coast (he grew up in northern California and the Bay area). I'd already decided to leave Twin Oaks but hadn't figured out my next destination. We were both ready to explore community and revolution out here in babylonia, and the woo-woo hippie progressive vibe of the Pacific NW seemed like a good next stop to me. Over the next year and half, we each spent chunks of time traveling and exploring on our own. I went to Israel and did a Jewish Farming/Community internship, he did an initial West Coast communities exploration, both of us still based at Twin Oaks. Our friends, his family, my band and the sense of ease and comfort there kept pulling us back.

March 7th was the day we finally headed west in a heavily laden rental car. The plan was to do a more in-depth exploration of West Coast possibilities, and if we found It, stay put. Our relationship has always been the strongest when we are collaberating on shared projects, like publishing The Leaves, (Twin Oaks' newsletter), planning workshops on cooperative decision making, or doing speaking gigs about Twin Oaks. We've been on this travel jab just over a month now, and our relationship is the strongest its ever been. Visiting friends and family, networking with other community minded folks, hiking and biking in beautiful places and visioning a creative and socially engaged life....

But the reality is actually painful and complex. Sky's family, his two co-parents and six year old son are very rooted at Twin Oaks, and not very interested in uprooting to the West Coast. Sky was 21 when Willow was born; Hawina and Paxus, Willow's other two parents, were quire a bit older. The three parents worked out a “circus clause” for Sky, since he was jumping into this kid-and-family adventure at such a young age. The circus clause gave him free reign to take off for a year or so, to explore the world in way that isn't really possible when you are a full time parent. But a year's exploration is pretty different from bi-coastal parenting.

So here we stand: after 5 years of centering my life around Twin Oaks Community, I'm psyched and ready to jump into an urban environment and explore musical projects, build community and create and demonstrate radical life alternatives in a way that has a higher and more direct impact on more people. It's exciting and attractive to envision doing this with Sky—my partner, best friend, lover, emotional support, and co-conspirator in imaging and creating radical alternatives and revolutionary adventure schemes.

Sky would probably ditto all of that, and....his kid, his precious, precocious, sweet, cuddly, rambunctious, brilliant kid, and his two amazing, dedicated, radical, engaged parents are all 2,825 miles away on the opposite coast. And that's where it all stops making sense, logic flies out the window, and my stomach turns over and wrenches. Its hard to even imagine the “right” way to make this decision: is it better to be a long distance parent who is engaged in a fulfilling life, albeit all the way across the country? Or is it more important to sacrifice dreams and plans to be a hands-on parent, fully immersed in the day-to-day reality of parenting? I'd really like to to recuse myself from the whole decision making process, steer clear and let Sky and the Star Family work it out for themselves. But at this point, my life is totally enmeshed with Sky's on every level.

So, instead of running and hiding, i think that thing to do is work on holding emotional space for Sky to feel his way through this decision and try to let my own reactions and attachments play out with out feeding them (these range from NO DON'T GO! to NO DON'T LEAVE YOUR KID!), and stay engaged and open while letting go of hopes and expectations for the future of our relationship.

I wish there were a guide book out there for this sort of thing.