whirlwind

i feel like i'm on fire. maybe its the chocolate almond coconut latte that i just consumed.........

i'm in charlottesville now, just back from the life changing and totally transformational landmark forum. i spent the weekend in baltimore, staying with a woman i'd never met, sitting with 100 other people for 13 hours a day, for 3 days straight. its hard to talk about what the forum "is". its easier to talk about what i got out of it.

What i got out of it is a transformed relationship with my family. i had the opportunity to renew and reinvent my relationships with my mother, father and sister. to express how important each of them are to me, how much i love them and that i'm creating the possibility of an intimate and involved relationship with each of them. i told my dad that i loved him, something i haven't done in over 10 years. i heard him say that he loved me, something i haven't heard in just as long. i cried through the whole conversation with my mother, and she was stunned, saying that it was the most amazing phone call she'd ever received. My sister seriously considered flying out to baltimore for my tuesday evening completion session, even in the midst of her tumultous life situation. of all the people in my life, i am particularly committed to standing for her greatness, and can see so clearly how much she would benefit from doing the work that i just engaged in at the forum. i feel so blessed to have the opportunity to really express to each of them how important they are to me, how much i love them, and to be able to reinvent my relationships with each of them.

I also got a renewed sense of ease with myself in the world and in relationships. i'm not "someone that people can't understand." People are just as afraid of me as i am of them. I can be a source of love, openness and compassion for people in my life, without fearing that they won't like me or won't understand me. and that's possible in part b/c of the renewed foundation of strengthened relationships with my immediate family.

and, i feel a renewed sense of and strength in my own power and possibility for what i can create in the world. i don't need to waste my energy worrying about small things, or create small problems for myself. i don't need to worry about getting a job that i hate to pay rent. i can take on huge problems, like helping people transform their lives by creating a healing and safe space for people to see possibilities in themselves and their lives. I am ready to dive into the work that Sky and I have been building towards for the past year: dedicating ourselves and our lives to creating change and new possibilities in the world around us.

We're starting to craft a slide-show presentation about our work and research of the past 6 months, pulling out the themes and concepts, communities and projects, our own trajectory through it all, where we stand now and what we're looking to create. We're forming an urban commune design council to pull more people into the process of creating a radical and cooperative community here in town. I'm starting to formulate a workshop based on The Work That Reconnects, inspired by Joanna Macy. The Work is a way of creating space for people to connect to and express the full range of emotional responses to the currenty state of life on this planet, to connect to the despair, anger, sadness, alienation that are inevitable responses. Facing this emotional reality allows us to see the interconnectedness that is the root of our despair, as well as fertile ground that this interconnectedness can be as a portal for getting in touch with the many possibilities for positive action and transformative reconnection that are possible. Its about seeing the power and strength we step into as a result of recognizing our connectedness to each other and to the possibilities that we can create.

i feel really excited to step into all of this.

you gotta check out this SNL spoof of the vice presidential debate--f'n hilarious, gosh darnit!

how to get to eastern europe?

here i am at the vegetarian festival. A woman from the Central Virginian took this picture and then wrote, asking if i'm a Twin Oaks resident!


Rob Breszny has instructed me to "stay alert for what i don't realize i need to know". in response to that, sky pointed out that my intuition is stronger than his, but i trust it less. so, my self-instruction for this next slew of adventures is to keep my eyes open and my consciousness fluid.

we're back in c'ville, sky flies across the pond tomorrow. yesterday was a long and good day--we worked our little tushies off at the vegetarian festival. we were running the twin oaks tofu booth, ironically enough. we passed out many tiny cups of ira's amazing greek tofu salad, bulgar tempeh pilaf, wild mushroom pate and tofu chocolate "cheese" cake. and ate lots of it ourselves. then it really started pouring and we holed up at the mudhouse, reading and computering til quite late. at the end of the night, we met up with rat--local activist and musician. it was great walking around and chatting with her, good inspiration for the community center. and for music. i really like her, she's super chill and very straight talking, and she railed against the patriarchy of orthodox jews.

somewhere in there, i got totally wired on coffee, kicking me out of my entrenched pms and sending my cells into vibratory shock.

i'm trying to finagle a way to get to eastern europe. i'm dying to go there, i want to learn music and dance the dances and sing, just soak in that culture. it seems ludicrous to go all the way over there and then stop at prague. any leads?

watch these

yachid

the woman who loves herself

my free will astrology horoscope for this week feels very pertinent:

What you're about to leave behind is helpful but a bit dull; it's fortifying but old-fashioned; comforting but homely. What you're headed toward, on the other hand, is invigorating, through slightly disruptive; it's futuristic and amusingly confusing; interesting but also a real test of your flexibility. The transition may happen faster than you thought it would. Congratulations in advance on being a good-natured transformer.

things i'm excited about right now:

1. giving lots of massages
2. starting a distance learning doula training
3. joining the UVA klezmer band and the accordian death squad when i get back from europe
4. the new and improved vulgar bulgars...?
5. networking with the many awesome community folks in this area
6. sky

i did a crazy overnight at TO in the middle of a wed-mon cville stint. the VB's finally reunite at the pirate party! it was super fun to play together again, amplified and in front of a rowdy audience dressed as pirates. arr! then the party get very debauched and i felt detached.

more good talks with good folks in cville. even a few potential friendships that i feel good about. flame gave me some encouragement to keep doing massages. i've started working on the doula training. and continue to drool over many houses around town that are for sale.

busking at the farmer's market on saturday morning was moderately lucrative, but i ran into joel rubin, renowned klez clarinetist and leader of the UVA klez ensemble, which he invited me to join. and rat came by, of the accordian death squad. they've recently lost their fiddler and she sort of invited me to join. and the VBs have secured the awesomest accordianist around, and will begin remaking ourselves into a kickass wedding ensemble for the spring '09 season! yee haw.

tidbits

i've been finding myself in many conversations about "what's wrong with twin oaks", and why i left. one main reason that i'm noticing more and more is the tendency towards negativity. its so hard to resist, so easy to indulge, and so ultimately unproductive!

despite that, my time there this week was fine--nesting in ira's room is very nice, also spending more time with sky/willow. the band finally reunited and had a couple of practices, preparing for our first gig in over 6 months! this weekend--a wedding at a goat farm/b&b, with belly dancers and a bluegrass band. should be interesting. all the usual challenges are there, but mostly i feel such a sense of relief to be able to release that part of me again, the part that comes alive in the vulgar bulgars. especially after thinking that it was over, in the past, never to be again.

europe plans are falling into place, as well, so i'm feeling more excited and optimistic about that. we even bought tickets back to the states(dec 18th). the current itenerary is: amsterdam(or southern netherlands, depending on housing options, copenhagen/christiania with hawina, sky & willow, a week at a community in italy w/willow and sky, then the meditation course in germany with sky. after that we'll have 10 days or so to make our way to spain, possibly stopping in berlin, prague, paris, bordeaux....and then a few weeks in spain, possibly also tamera community in portugal. feels like a good mix of free-form and structure. it'll certainly be interesting.

i got such a huge energetic kick from the raw food dinner that i'm trying to focus more on diet and eating well. i just slipped though and ate a bunch of moose-tracks ice cream!

weird ailments and strong beginnings

making it into charlottesville on thursday afternoon was such a relief!! lots of exciting updates and networking in the past 3 days. we've been staying with this sweet-as-pie couple in town, X-acorners, in their peaceful, quiet little house. our room is very light with white muslin curtains and softly shaded paintings. thursday night we met up with Daniel from CHUVA (cooperative housing at the University of Virginia)and checked out 2 of their 3 houses. he was totally on-board, excited for us to work together and help each other out however we can.

our current mission seems to be meeting up with friends, friends of friends, etc. sharing visions, and figuring out potential connections. it feels good to move from information intake to synthesis and output (and eventually towards action!)

weirdly, all weekend i've had this achyness, headache, feverish, stomach-ache combination of physical unpleasantness. very mystifying since i'm usually very fit and feeling healthy. and of course i'm feeling a bit trepidatious about returning to the oaks, especially after extended and in-depth conversations over last nights dinner about all that is dysfunctional about the place...thomas called this ailment "twin oaks' revenge". apt, as always