berekely

well, we made it all the way across the country, made it through another 10 day meditation course in central california, and now we're relaxing in berkeley, haven of thai restaurants and hippies in wheelchairs. it's really like a little island here. the streets are lined with organic and vegan restaurants, collectively owned businesses, natural groceries and groovy social service agencies. i almost want just move in, work at the vegan raw organic restaurant, take yoga and capoeira classes and hang out with the good vibes at the gorilla cafe.

i've been busking here, and it feels good to be doing public music expression. people appcreciate it though the homeless folks are a bit more agro then i'm used to. and sky and i started brainstorming for FOLFAM, an organization we want to start in Portland(i dreamed it up on the last 10 day meditation course). it stands for "friends of local food and music". the idea is to connect people with free or cheap local food and music as a way to build community and help people eat healthily and affordably.

the limbo feeling is still tugging at me, and the antsyness to just BE somewhere, finally and for good. but its not so bad here and carrot juice sure is plentiful!

weird interum

above the 45th parallel and in 3 feet of snow, here in my snowy hometown in Michigan's upper peninsula. yesterday we went out on frozen lake superior, picking our way over and through the gigantic gems of frozen ice chunks, falling into snow pits. we reached the far off and frozen ice wave-mountain in time for the sunset, orange and purple over the lake. then racing back before darkness enveloped us in cold and wintry wind.

feel my bitchy Dr. Jeykll (Ms. Hyde?) showing her face, hard to avoid my emotional inheritance here at home (anxiety, stubborness, needyness). and my past, looming in corners and the basement full of boxes. tomorrow its onward and south, then straightish west. need to find a creative focus.

here's my initial portland proposal:
1. old timey band for contra-dances
2. gypsy band for fun
3. klezmer band for money
4. reiki group
5. start a communal house
6. knitting night
7. shabbat dinners
8. capoeira
9. ashtanga
10. hiking and ocean swimming
11. learning permaculture
12. co-counseling
13. work at juice bar or vegan restaurant
14. grow a garden in the yard

rolling forward

running through the blue-black day, trying to shake up the stuck and repeating thoughts and emotions from this roller coaster train-ride (trainwreck? longest count-down EVER). chasing the giant flock of grackles as they roll over each other end-to-end through the air, turning into tree buds for a paused moment, then fanning out again in perfect synchronisity.

tired of being not the person i want to be, tired of the flutter in the gut, the walls and self-defenses, tired of feeling bad or responsible, not big enough to hold all the feelings and desires or expand like a hot-air balloon to hold it all and myself too, cradled gently and rocking.

get to be a rock star tonight, thank goodness for that. looking forward to pouring all this annoying angst through strings and amp, spilling out messy and everywhere, shoved in people's faces and down their pants. and dance it all out, letting it fly and roll through me.

looking forward to stepping off of this see-saw balancing beam and onto something firmer.

why does it matter?

tuesday night the VBs will do a final show here at Twin Oaks. Sky says he doesn't want to come (he's heard us a bunch of times, etc.), and can't figure out why it matters so much to me. i think its totally obvious and feel pretty sad and demoralized about having to explain it. but it seems like it might be useful to tease apart this sinking gut-ache, so here goes.

why does it matter?
1. its the most meaningful thing i'm doing in my life right now
2. its a profound and deep form of self-expression
3. it is the way of being in the world that i feel most connected to, a medium through which i am able to express myself intimately in a way that is public.
4. its a way of supporting me, as i support him in projects that matter (willow, djing, community processes).
6. because its important to me, and i specifically asked that he come.

too bad he doesn't read my blog, guess i'll have another go at explaining it face to face!

back in good ol NOLA

first 8 hours in NOLA:
1 fried catfish po'boy
$5 cover for a funky jazz band at the maple leaf bar, includes back-room table covered with spicey boiled crawfish, corn, garlic heads, mushrooms and tuna.
the hordes descend, sucking crawfish tails and chatting amiably.
belly full, lips on fire, hips can't stop moving to the funk.

god i love this town.

rockstar lifestyle

feels good to get back into the rockstar mode, even though its probably the last time for awhile....(this is our final final FINAL tour, madog and i split in early march).

last night we played at this rockin' conservative synagogue in birmingham, pre-services show and then rabbinic back-up for kabbalat shabbat and maariv (friday night shabbat services). i fantasized about getting involved in the west coast religious music scene. afterward we headed across town to chez lulu's, a tiny, dimly lit french bistro with delicious sandwiches and tile floors. both shows were a bit lacking as we grind back into gear from our 9 month respite. breaking out the new stuff was fun though. we just worked up one called chicken stew, medleying old-timey chicken reel with a raucosly rollicking russian tune.

today was pretty mellow, we worked up a new tune combining jigs with this crazy sirba, including a crazy sirba breakdown in the middle. it has that verge-of-a-train wreck sound to it(our specialty). afterward we went and saw persepolis in the theatre, intense and poignant given my background (half persian on my dad's side, most of his relatives still live there and my uncle narrowly escaped life in prison during the revolution), the movie was sweet and intense and depressing. a little too self indulgent but great little details, like marx and god chatting in heaven.

then we rolled out to tuscaloosa, a sleepy little town that doesn't seem to have changed much since 1950. we were playing at the food fest portion of the tuscaloosa jewish film fest, set up in the lobby while folks milled about and tasted the borscht, challah, pineapple kugel and tuna sandwiches (from the southern jewish table). it took a little while to get going, but eventually a big crowd had gathered and we really rocked out. it felt so good to fall into the music, letting it overtake me, drawing me deep into my gypsy roots. on our breaks i filled up on rainbow cake and smoked fish, finishing off the evening with an alcoholic chocolate egg cream. we stayed for the film aftrward, black book, which was an intense, gut wrenching, heart wringing film about dutch resistance during world war II.

generally, i'm happy to be back in this mode--it feels good to be able to connect deeply to my authentic self and express it in a way that is meaningful and important to other people. tomorrow, on to NOLA!!

the galloping death

a day and half of no power, then a day and half of the galloping death (fever, cough, congestion) as i continue hurtling down this rocky road of weird instability. sunday i met with the star family (sky, paxus and hawina, willow's 3 parents), along with hawina's partner, corb. we were talking about our relationship to willow (now 6 years old) and to the family, now and in the future. whew! poignantly timed with sky having all kinds of doubts up about our future together. holding onto so many unknowns while needing to speak decisively about the future is starting to wear me down emotionally. sky is having doubts, so i feel like i need to be firm in my commitment...not that i don't have doubts too, but i'm scared of moving to a new city on my own and setting up a life for myself, scared that i'll end up living in a shitty apartment, in a dead end sucky job (or just chronically unemployed), that i won't have any friends or emotional support. how can i honestly evaluate our relationship in the face of all these doubts and fears?? it makes no sense to me. meanwhile i'm developing a pretty unhealthy emotional dependency on him and just feeling stuck on all kinds of fronts. sharing a room doesn't help...and at the same time its very sweet and homey. i'm a living contradiction, biding my time til something SNAPS.