Mommy Blogs

 I guess that's what this is now.  The last month or so (really, since stumbling upon the powerhouse Mama that is Glennon Doyle), I've been craving Mommy Blogs.  Not the ones with lunch box tips, creative craft pinterests, endless lists of product recommendations, and uplifting stories of familial love and gratitude.  

I need to read other Moms talking shit about their own stupid, insane, unbelievably hard/utterly mind-numbing/totally isolating (especially in pandemic blah blah blah) life.  I crave those belly laughs of recognition when the baby is caught playing in his own poop during the 5 minutes you took to take a shower, the validating descriptions of Olympic-level feats that happen unseen and unnoticed on the daily.  Like hauling a kicking, screaming toddler and his plastic grocery cart down the street while pushing the other one in the stroller.  Fitting the toddlers, the cart, and strider + helmet into the wagon while preventing the younger, allergic one from eating the older one's almonds, rescuing the spilled blueberries, and removing the small pinecone from his mouth. 

Yep, I'm looking for a very specific kind of Mommy blog.  I cling to some parenting ideals that often feel just stupid (no sugar, no screens, no punishment) and mostly don't  end up making my life any easier.  And I freaking love my kids, they are beyond brilliant, sweet, hilarious; they are probably my favorite people to hang out with.  

I want to read these blogs (where are they?!?!).  And, as it turns out, it looks like I need to write my own, as well.  

No plan Wednesday

A No Plan Morning....eek!!!   I did my best to surrender to the mind-numbing rhythm after a flurry of desperate, last minute texts to moms and neighbors yielded no fruit.  It helps knowing that busier and more scheduled days are just around the corner: grandparents visiting, playdates--just starting to be a Thing again--soccer, music class).  Such days nearly did me in mid-pandemic, when the delightful spaciousness of Everything Cancelled wore off but before the Alternative, Pandemic Approved plans kicked in.  

Sweet moments that don't happen on those scheduled days are the perk of weathering the stultifying feelings of boredom.  As I stared out the window, Isabel looked at me and said "Mama, what are you doing?"  Then answered her own question, "You're taking care of us".  

Exactly.  

The morning included:  showering (a major trust exercise!/Please don't report me to CPS), and coming out to find the 2 of them playing quietly together on the Living Room floor (whose kids are these??), pumping up the inflatable moose from Aunt Debbie (everyone took a turn), and a 3-block-parade to visit with a neighbor consisting of: massage table-on-a-wagon, Isabel on a strider, Leo pushing a plastic grocery cart.

Then lunch, nursing a very sleepy/sleeping Leo while microwaving Isabel's chicken nuggets.  I'm not quite the mom I thought I'd be, instead I'm so much more.  

baby time

people keep asking me if i like being pregnant.  its a weird question, basically asking if i fundamentally accept the changes happening to my body and mind.  why wouldn't i?  even though i miss my old, lithe, body and its ability to perform (rock climbing, biking, getting into whatever position seemed right, etc) i'm not going to actively resist the truth of this present physical form.  its also cool to have a little rumbly buddy rolling around down there, keeping me company.  The mood swings are formidable at times.  not that different from my usual highs and lows but perhaps more noticeable.  As well this weird, nostalgic permeating sadness washes over me at least a couple of times a week.  i imagine some part of me is nostalgically missing this part of my life, my last weeks as a free-form, autonomous being in the world.  many many changes to come.  

forks and lees

it is so head-trippingly, dizzyingly bizarre to be jolted out of my delightfully magical and deeply satisfying all-encompassing reality and thrust suddenly into the parallel universe of what could have would have been.  i would never trade an instance of this one and yet i can see the simultaneous shimmering beauty of what would have could have been.  and i'm so grateful that no matter where this crazy life path take me, or where i take myself, it is without fail:  deeply satisfying.  intensely challenging. filled with love and laughter and delight and fun and music and food and play.  physical edges. emotional edges.....just a beautiful and irreducible gift.

right now:  pistachio ice cream.  gourmet romantic dinners every night.  and breakfast and lunch.  peels of laughter and sweet faces and rough and tumble and that little cowlick that pops up on those delicate foot switches.  giant thunderstorms and endless bran and every day shocked that this is my life.  and yet and yet and yet.  to find out that in fact it was i that gave up and am giving it up and the confusion of that just won't fit with the beauty of here now bounty.  

these days.  long, full, verdant.

yesterday, waking up to the sweetest of sweetnesses.  then ungraciously tossed from the nest.  holy s#$% i have people again, able to flee and blast and kvetch.  back back, learning, appreciating my boss teacher.  failing at getting photographed.  watching a young mom work with tiny kids in tow, pondering.

on a lark because people to southside, revisiting my first home at earth folk.  sweet cozy kitchen, relatively pleasant meeting. then to....the new..... chatting, so close by just 8 blocks.  feeling the house start to wrap around me pleasantly.  definitely no ghosts.  sweet conversation, so easeful so that the words just tumble out of me.  trying to fight the feeling that i'm lying about trying, that i will and always will just be a devious manipulator.  "home" for now to beans and banana smoothie and bed and now up and again, and again, and again.

today

i love the experience of massaging someone and feeling my hands click into their fascia in that special, precisely perfect way.  i love being able to offer someone insight and options for self-care.  i love looking up at the clock and seeing that 22 minutes have magically disappeared.  i love the sigh of relief at being touched in that special way, where the body can just let go where they didn't even know it was holding.  

balkan beat box-fueled packing session today, ahhhh, moving.   so satisfying to stir everything up and re-invent.  

and i am so so so loving that amazing kid who meets me so gently at every rough edge, responding before i can even formulate the words and showing up with zest and vim at every turn.  

also.

re-engaging

life is so astounding surprising.  rich.  verdant.

i do not enjoy people judging me.  i do not enjoy people shutting me out.  i do not enjoy the feeling of not existing.

much, so much to be grateful for.

summer is creeping in slowly, the air growing heavy with damp.  its different living in virginia in the air conditioning.  florida never lacks AC, but this is my first stint  in VA with that luxury.

goals:  journaling more consistently.  exercising more consistently.  doing all the sucky and annoying things one has to do to make friends in a new city.  letting it all be good.

how do we change some aspect of ourselves? enlist others in seeing us in a new way?  quietly shift and assume others will follow suit?

enjoying this new phase of life slowly kaleidescoping into view.

i love this photo because it captures each of us so perfectly.