treats of the day

1. between bikerideberrypicking and afternoon garden shift, heat of the day: iced coffee with maple syrup and soymilk.

2. staking up the peppers. hot, sweaty, dirty. time for a break: wineberries with coconut milk ice cream, hazelnut milk, crumbled cookie.

3. last treat of the night, before lasts tasks, after exhilarating mini-canvass of raymond st. neighbors for the ridge st. block party: wineberries w/soymilk and maple syrup.

renewed committment to blogging, and bday fest!

ok, i've said this before but.........i so enjoy blogs when the blogger posts regularly! so i am renewing my dedication to regular blogging.

feel free to hold me to that........

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i haven't thrown myself a birthday for quite a few years. and the last time i did, i ended up running away and hiding due to a severe case of overwhelm/meltdown.

this year, i'm breaking through the resistance, and throwing myself a big 'ol bash. midsummer nights dream theme, dance party, fruit, flowers...2 days after the full moon, 2 days before my real birthday. feels fitting as i turn the big 3-0!

Here is an excerpt about another midsummer nights dream party, from which i take inspiration.

From The Hanged Man by Francesca Lia Block

We decide to have a Midsummer Night's Dream full-moon party. My mother brings out all her white tulle and we hang it in the trees. We cut out paper stars and glue blue and pink glitter onto them and scatter them in the tulle canopies among white Christmas lights. We buy watermelons, pineapples, cantaloupes, honeydew, strawberries and cut them up and put them on platters and my mother makes her punch. It is a citrus-greenish-yellow color and it smokes. We call it the witch brew and everyone is drinking and dancing around in their white shirts and dresses and lace and masks and glittery scarves.

lost romance

alexis and debbie are here tonight, sweet in their new romance. eating wineberries and soy cream by the blackberry bush, then watching the sunset from the roof.

as soon as they walked in the door, i felt downright ornery.

trout was just here overnight, and it was sweet to be with him. i so appreciate the comfort and acceptance that are endemic to his being. ease--cleaning up the broken glass from my rushing while i tend to the bleeding toe, bustin' out the chords for an impromptu gospel number at the farmer's market, landing smackdab in the middle of a new social scene complete with blueberry crepes and french animation. just rolling with all that comes.

maya today told me about planning her and chris's beach trip. "so i said, can we take on the waves, you know, really trash talk em? and most people would say...um, what are you talking about? but chris, chris is like yeah we can take on the waves!! heck yeah! i mean, who says that? who does that?" i can see so clearly how perfect they are for each other--each so vital, vibrant, kooky, kind and generous.

what all this brings up is: I MISS ROMANCE. i miss the newness, that spark of beginning, when it seems like a small miracle that such intense feelings could be reciprocated. the unfolding of mirrored recognitions......and the charm and delight of every small, shared moment. keening for that. how can i bring this back into my relationship?

well, first off--talking with maya clarified this--we should certainly stop living together. sharing our emotional, work, and social lives nearly 24/7 drives me stark raving mad, and i totally loose any sense of self and center. its been a blessed relief to have him gone, expand into the space of myself, my friends, my life. every day feels like a new gift, filled with unexpected delights and surprises. unpredictable. mutable and shifting and wild. like the world is my new lover, each day unfolding anew.

this gives me hope

this beautiful clip broke me open and made me sob uncontrollably--in a good way.

holding it all

sky and i sent to see Nassim Haramein speak. can't really capture him and what he had to say in words, but it left me feeling optimistic and broken open to the possibility of our evolution as a species.

on the way back, we got into a heated discussion about what it all meant for who we are and how we do our work in the world. at one point, i said something about not being able to take in all the pain in the world. i just can't hold it all.

and now, hanging up curtains in my new room, it hits me again. my father is living in iran again, we all know what is going down in israel. and now peru is in my heart as well, my friend rat is there now, participating in the latest round of gov't oppression and protests.

its alot to hold in my heart.

i feel very alone.

nearly midnight, and i can't sleep. there's a stuckness in my chest, can't get it moving and so can't fall asleep. thoughts don't really help and they are keeping me awake. or is it the full moon?

some that are passing through the noggin: how can i be in a romantic relationship with someone when there is no room for us to just be, not doing, planning, working, or actively engaged in anything. just being. somehow that's reserved for when we are apart. this bums me out and sets my mind whirring towards the folks with whom this does seem possible.

stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck

doesn't help that i haven't been sleeping enough, all i want to do is sleep but my body/mind won't let me.

my room is crowded with dried herbs, i borrowed ali's food dehydrator for 48 hrs, kept it full and running continuously. mulberries, mint, rosemary, chamomile, oregano, raspberry leaf, bee balm. i feel drawn to collecting and drying herbs, pushed towards it instinctively every time i step into the yard.

in the old days, medicine and cooking were the same; women cooking and adding the necessary herbs to the food for physical and emotional well being.

i look forward to the fall of civilization as we know it so we can all get back to the real stuff that matters most, programmed deeply in our bones and DNA. gathering food, sharing music, drying herbs, cooking together. just being.

what makes me tick

1. berry picking
2. music-playin'on the front porch at dusk
3. guit-tar pickin'
4. chocolate eating
5. any kinda dancing
6. herb gathering
7. early to bed, early to rising
8. deep belly laughing
9. summer swimming
10. destination-less bike riding
11. late afternoon sprawled-on-couch reading
12. food processing
14. tree climbin'
15. gettin' shit done
16. lazy lollin'
17. chicken watching
18. bare feet on the earth
19. letter writing
20. just being