(Faux ) Me Time

Kudos to Courtney Wyckoff for coining this phrase and also saving my and so many mama's lives.   Fuax me time is when I know how desperately I need to unplug, unwind, and tune in, but the depth of the need makes the usual ways to do that (sit quietly with tea, meditate, stretch, go for a walk, exercise, journal, play music, write) feel impossibly out of reach.  

Faux me time slips in quietly to fill up those empty spaces that pop up throughout the day and leave me feeling emptier than before.  It's not like I'm fooled.  Its not as if scrolling on Facebook has EVER left me feeling more fulfilled, or that I've never concluded a scroll sesh, shut the computer with satisfaction and moved on to more wholesome and fulfilling activities. 

In part, its the mom-thing of never knowing how much time I'll ACTUALLY have, and being so sick of being interrupted that it hardly feels worth it to bother starting anything.  But there's also the guilt. 

I happen to be very lucky, my partner takes the kiddos downstairs every morning from wake time (Leo: 6-7am, Isabel: 7-8am) until he starts work (usually 9:30).  So, nearly every morning, I have the absolute luxury of sleeping more, catching up on tasks, meditating, doing momma strong, riding the exercise bike.  As long as I stay sequestered in the bedroom, the sky's the limit.  Sometimes the kiddos revolt and start crying and begging for Mama (Leo) or park outside the door, toes peeking under (Isabel).  I usually relent because seriously!?!?  Who can resist toes.  

So all to say: I have NO EXCUSE for not starting each day feeling rested, recharged, ready to go.  BUT.  No.  Here's how it usually goes down.

1. Roll over and grab the computer, scroll FB, check email, read NYT, for as long as possible 

2. Meditate 15 minutes.  I've been working my way up from 5 minutes.  This is a very weird place to be since for about 15 years I meditated 2 hours daily.  But, Mom.  etc.  A friend recently told me that she always meditated during her sons first nap, and did tasks during the second nap.   I felt instant shame.  I think I've done productive and/or self-nurturing things during about 3% of my babies' total naptime.  

3. Do Momma Strong.  Minimum daily requirement.  When I slacked off, I was in so much pain that I felt resentful towards the baby for having to pick him up.  

4. Time permitting--usually at this point I've managed to FB scroll my way right up to 9:10--get on the exercise bike and watch parenting videos.  OK I'm a total geek but these are also life-saving and make me not hate my kids!!  Crucial!  I'm a part of this dorky parenting master class "Academy" thingy and there are weekly (recorded) calls with Julie King and Larry Cohen, two of my all time favorite parenting author/mentor Allstars.  

5.  Whoops, ran out of time! Time for a super quick shower!

Once they hear the shower running, there's usually a stampede to the bathroom where they wait next to the tub for Mama.  

And its off the races.  

I have so many feelings about this situation.  I feel deeply guilty that I get to have this gift of time every morning, and my partner doesn't.  He goes from kiddos straight to work, from work straight to kiddos and then we're both flat out on the couch at 8:30pm.  I know that this situation is doing some serious damage to his mental well being--the endless cycle, never getting a break, 15 hour days, no personal time.  I so want to be the gracious partner who offers to be on for a morning.  BUT I JUST CAN'T.  

The memory of what it felt like to be up every hour (sometimes for an hour) nursing a screaming, thrashing baby, and than follow that by being ON all day with the babies with no breaks and no outside support is too fresh.   

One day last summer, the kids and I were Facetiming with Noah's Mom.  As kid pandemonium reigned around me, she said "Wow, you  are so patient.  I never had that experience since I just had one kid".  I had to stop myself from saying "Actually, its not patience.  I'm just dead inside".  

So, as desperately as Noah needs more free time, I feel terrified of giving up my precious mornings.  And because I feel guilty about it, some sick part of my brain is screaming at me the whole time "Don't enjoy this time too much.  Don't be intentional with this time that you are stealing.  Just let it slip by, just faux me time your way through and then it won't be as unfair".