what the

i guess i feel more compelled to blog when sky is away....tonight, i'm musing on what the f is it in me that insists on refusing love!??! here i am, surrounded by people expressing love and care in so may ways, and all i can do is fight, fight, fight. so much easier and safer to go it alone, that's that evil voice deep inside that's building fences and walls as fast as i can tear them down.

scary that that lives deep inside me, sabotaging my efforts and tearing apart connections. killing people off. tonight, for the first time i had the experience of someone other than sky saying "i feel shut down" after i spoke. i do that. how. why. jesus!

trying to take tim jackins' advice: you never ever have permission for any reason to feel bad about yourself.

dang that's hard.

so often, its so much easier to be hard and hateful then soft and vulnerable. being scared and angry comes so easily, so naturally. slides off the tongue. dagumit.

the residue sucks too--emotional sewage, lingering in my system. regret, guilt, sorrow for the poison i'm injecting into the world.

and, wow, dang, thank you universe for the collective consciousness and positive vibrations of group process. another miracle tonight, from 6 scattered and separate people holding some vague notion of prison work, to the Self-Empowerment Forum [disclaimer: no clue of course where this will ultimately go]; a series of sessions on topics from sexual health to poetry to car maintenance for women at Fluvanna Correctional Center. For the women on their way OUT of Fluvanna. On their way back into this weird f'd up place we inhabit.

R. dreams of unplugging these folks, unplugging from the system that oppresses us all. that sounds good, sign me up too. and while your at it, i'd like to unplug this crazy monkey mind of self-hate that is talking my ear off.

unplugging--that's a concept i'd like to hold close and integrate into my every day lives. yes, plural, because even though there's endless overlap in each group that i put myself in (hostel, cville foodscapes, urban commune, women's group, prison project, landmark selp, co-counseling, klezmer ensembles), each is a different slice of me, a disparate slice of me. craving cohesion, why not use this thread, unplugging, to tie them altogether?

i'll take it.