seeking balance

my last 2 posts sum things up pretty well--higher-than-ever highs, extreme life satisfaction, and then total overwhelm, all-consuming anxiety, debilitating doubts.

the former generally applies to my "work" life--organizing projects, events, community activities. the overwhelm and anxiety creep in when the swell of accumulated responsibilities rises to a peak. and the doubt plays out in my relationship; juggling the giving of and taking space, being supportive, backing off, taking responsibility--probably i'm pmsing right now, but at the moment i just wish he would do something huge and unmistakable to show his appreciation and support for me.

ok, here's a brief list of the goods and bads:

i'm supremely psyched about:
--raw organic apricot kernels and fermented green papaya
--neighborhood garden work party, kids playing in the yard, women digging rocks out of the garden bed and laughing
--the spinach and garlic sprouting in our garden
--malt sweetened chocolate chips
--parking spot takeover, converting innocent bystanders into space-reclaimers
--the look on the face of the woman at the veteran office when i told her we'd be having tea and cookies in her parking spot
--quaker meeting
--my social skills seem to be improving with heavy use!

I'm bummed about:
--attempting to arrange impossible logistics
--laptop addiction
--lack of spiritual grounding in my life
--being cold
--endless digging
--people who don't call back
--waves of anxiety
--never catching up
--feeling obliged to nag

generally, my life is f$%&ing amazing and i feel pretty blown away by it. and, i'm learning (the hard way) about the joys and sorrows of becoming an activist martyr, super-organizer as sky calls it. since i'm not employed in the traditional sense, i feel this obligation to expend 150% of my energy working on the projects that i believe in. and, frankly, i'm still a bit surprised and shocked at my new-found effectiveness. certainly, sky is a huge help in pushing my beyond my self-perceived limits (and helping pick up the pieces when i fall of the cliff instead of leap gracefully across the abyss).

stage 2: make this life sustainable and spiritually nourishing. without that, there's no point to any of this.