this morning ilana and i canned 17 jars of delicious chunky applesauce, hopefully i'll be around this winter to enjoy some of it.
i'm drowning in the tidal wave of a daily 6am-9pm schedule. exhausted from constant negotiations with folks that i'm not sure really give a shit about me and worn out from constant lack of sleep and exercise.
somehow in the middle of the undertow a brother appeared from nowhere today, randomly traveling through for a day and a night. felt so good to drop into immediate intimacy and recognition, a friendly soul on the same path, weightless and effortless with pokeberry fingers.
and thank god for meditation, keeping me solidly grounded in the swamp of emotions inhabiting my lower gut, keeping the tears flowing. averaging 2-3 good cries a day now, a new experience for me. i guess my rope has gotten shorter.
winter's here and the cold is both exhilarating and debilitating. i keep thinking that this must be the bottom.
Proust's Parlor Game
14 years ago
2 comments:
dear kassia,
i tried to write you this letter tuesday, albeit unsuccessfully.
i often forget how sensitive to the world you are. superficially, you come off seeming so strong and self-confident--way more put together than the vast majority of people in my life; as a result, it is hard to remember that there is a deeper vulnerability that runs through you as well.
vulnerability can be beautiful in some cases--how open it can make a person, for example. on the other hand, it can leave a person feeling totally bereft when others hold that vulnerability carelessly.
i treated you so carelessly on tuesday. i forgot all of the deeper aspects of you that i've come to know while here. and when i wordlessly screamed at you after you told me the STOVE WASNT TURNED ON when i was trying to make eggs (?! ;/ !!), i wasn't remembering who you are at all. i was so caught up in myself. if i remembered you at that moment--i would have warned you about how toxic i was feeling.
sometimes i am a very bad friend. other times--especially when my friends tell me they need me to step outside of myself for a second--i can help a little more. at the very least--i can remind you when you are feeling alienated about how much people care about you here...
love you,
jordan
It seems to me that you're always canning delicious fruits and things. YAY winter!
much love
catfish
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