the dirt

well, the last two posts were versions of messages from my mass email list, with the emotional turmoil neatly ommitted.

so here's the undercurrent of intensity that's going down:

basically, this gershon thing is utter madness. but also awesome. pretty inexplicable, really. we met at klez kanada, and saw each other again at klez kamp...hung out alot and there was a little spark which became an all consuming blowtorch of love, for him.  i've been sorta on the fence,  we had a nice connection at klez kamp, and i
 wasn't sure what would happen when i came here, until

the night before leaving for israel, sky and i made the huge, unprecedented decision to be...........MONOGOMOUS while i'm in israel! yes, the poly king and ms. fear of closed relationships, voluntarily attaching the chains...no seriously, it was actually inspired by an amazing conversation that i had with my sister that same night, and it feels totally good and right and amazing.  i love sky so much, and am really excited about being with him in a way that 
i haven't felt about anyone (for this long, anyway--the two week flame is my specialty).  so it feels great
to limit myself out of this desire for a big deep commitment.

and, for gershon, its total torture. i think the crux of it is that russian passion and emotions burn deeply and intensely, and seem to be all consuming. so, basically we've been kind of fighting the whole time. me fighting to get him to LET GO, and him fighting to hold on to his pain.

last night was madness, i had a phone date with sky, and then gersh came home, and after sulking for a few minutes, he told me to tell sky that i was fine, and to get off the phone. which left me feeling utterly unraged and powerless. we ended up having kind of an ugly fight, and then about 2 hours of talking and processing, perhaps the most intense of my life. this is after 2 days filled with emotional ups and downs and processing, and about 5 hours of sleep. at the end, he asked if we could cuddle platonically just to help get to a good place. i agreed, and it was nice, and then we went to sleep (at 1 30) in our respective bed/couch.

great.

until, 7am, me still half asleep, he crawls into bed (couch)with me! after going over and over and over all of this shit so many times. so then, (after i meditated) we had another huge fight, its just so hard and ugly.

and it sucks, because i really do like him--he's funny and kind and generous, and appreciative...........and CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!! i can't figure out how to create a friendship.  maybe i need
to just give up and go away for awhile...

its good that we are apart now, i'l be here for 3 weeks.  and i don't know what will happen--more importantly, i'm feeling pretty stuck around how to approach this relationship. its f'n exhausting! somtimes it feels worth it and sometimes i'm just sick to death of explaining the same sh@t over and over.

any advice/insight would be much appreciated.......posted here or directly to karmakas@yahoo.com.

i miss sky.