well, i've done my first 2 reiki sessions for other people. the first was my friend julie, she's been struggling with complex emotional/relationship stuff and we both went in really deep. it felt very good to transmit healing energy for her, and after we were both a little woozy. the second was last night, a man that i am starting to have a sweet and intimate connection with. during the session, i kept having strong inclinations to bring in some massage stuff, to alter and add to the traditional series. but i held myself back, wanting to get it down the basics before incorporating my own intuitive stuff. Jonas passed out hardcore, he was totally asleep for the whole second half. and i found it somewhat hard and heavy, very different from the lightness and easy gentleness with Julie. when we chatted about it this morning, Jonas said that he could feel me tapping into his energetic body--seems like a good thing to keep in mind. also he resonated with my instincts to apply more pressure, saying that this was the most affective for him.

this is the last week for the kitchen, it closes down for the season on Sunday. i've been really enjoying being a kitchen grunt. its so satisfying, the tasks and goals are clear and its very laid back. There's a rumour spreading about Damanhur expanding with a community in the Catskills! Julie (she's also the baker here) and i started fantasizing about Jewtopia in the Catskills Damanhur, with a collectively run kosher local organic restaurant and bakery.

and, i've FINALLY overcome my fear and resistance and begun blunding my way through the process of editing the music tracks that we recorded post-adamah. the idea is to produce a CD of the morning prayers. its all very new to me and there's so much i don't know, but i'm loving the process. its helping me see also that my creative strengths lie in transmitting or altering versus just straight up creation. its a huge judgement i have of myself, so hopefully i can find more creative outlets that are satisfying and speak to my strengths.

skiing and angst

Day 2 in lovely snowy connecicut---

today was the staff ski trip and dinner. i guess it didn't bode well that i felt like i was breaking sila (buddhist morality: no lying, stealing, killing, sexual misconduct (?!) or taking intoxicants) to consider myself staff enough to take advantage of the free lift ticket and ski rental...and then there's my own ethical opposition to this thrill seeking, consupicuosly consuming, natural world destroying excuse for a sport (i'm a cross country skiier at heart). but, i figured what the hell, i'm in new england and its being offered freely. and it was fun to remember that i know how to ski (thanks for all those weekend lessons, mom and dad!). but the combined cold and angst landed me in the lodge after 2 hours, feverishly studying my Reiki book.

which is exciting, i did my first little self-healing (in the Great Barrington Libary, oddly enough) and felt a significant affects from it. i think i'm ready to do healings on other people, and i've got a bunch of folks interested and lined up already. it feels incredibley natural and intuitive, so much so that i'm kind of doing it all the time--i even notice it starting to creep into my medititation practice a bit, i'm not sure how i (or how goenka would) feel about that! apparantly tali was rejected from sitting a second goenka meditation course because she wrote on her application that she'd practiced reiki in the past year.

now i'm sore and tired but happy and cozy in my beautiful little room, snacking on toasted pumpkin seeds and home-made granola. and, of course, obessively using my new laptop!

graditude

after a rich and tumultuous 3 weeks at twin oaks, i'm back in snow-covered connecticut. my time at the commune is always a mixture of blessings and challenges, and this visit was no exception. it was sweet and wonderful to be back in the same zip code as sky, to reconnect, talk, snuggle, cook pancakes and plot our west-coast travels. and, being involved with him means dealing with some tough stuff. for instance, the sexy and talented artist/musician/dancer that he was involved with in september--they fell in love and she is pretty heart-broken about it. and the Family stuff is quite the emotional morass.

not to mention my usual round of insecurities, self-judgements, disconnectedness and excessive mental torture that assail me.

but i can only express deep gratitude for the past 2 days of sweet respite and transition. we spent the night in DC with johnny socko, a middle aged motor-biking movie producing architure restorationist and raging bachelor. sunday morning he attuned me for Reiki I and passed along a book of Reiki history and instruction. already i feel its resoncance with my healer yearnings and tendencies and glad for the directions it will take me. my trip up here was long but not unpleasant and i'm staying in a beautiful room with giant windows looking out onto the snowy-frosted trees. i feel nurtured by folks here and just so grateful (ok, so its a theme) to have this time and space to reflect, process and integrate before moving forward.

saying goodnight to adam, the local guru and dishwasher, he spoke about the necessity of going with the flow of the universe, even if that sometime means being assertive. even then, he said, you've got to be gentle.

magic mountain

we are entering the final month of adamah and winter is closing in.

the other night, a friend and i went on a night-time hiking adventure. loaded down with blankets, candles, hot ginger tea, warm applesauce, chocolate, and a little herb, we hiked up to the beebe hill spot of future adamah fields. its an amazing spot, a serene field looking down on a horizon-full of mountains. we hiked up in the dark and found a place under a huge old tree. the hug of mountains around us was barely visible beneath the stars, despite the darkness of the new moon. we set up our little camp and said a bunch of prayers and blessings of thanks for the spot and life and beauty and wonder. then we set personal intentions for the herb, including specific requests.

tucked into our little spot, cuddled against the cold we blasted each other wide open, sharing deeply about inner monsters and dark spots by the light of flickering candles. and when it was time to go, we warded of the chill by sprinting across the wide mountain field towards home.

pure magic.

swallowed

this morning ilana and i canned 17 jars of delicious chunky applesauce, hopefully i'll be around this winter to enjoy some of it.

i'm drowning in the tidal wave of a daily 6am-9pm schedule. exhausted from constant negotiations with folks that i'm not sure really give a shit about me and worn out from constant lack of sleep and exercise.

somehow in the middle of the undertow a brother appeared from nowhere today, randomly traveling through for a day and a night. felt so good to drop into immediate intimacy and recognition, a friendly soul on the same path, weightless and effortless with pokeberry fingers.

and thank god for meditation, keeping me solidly grounded in the swamp of emotions inhabiting my lower gut, keeping the tears flowing. averaging 2-3 good cries a day now, a new experience for me. i guess my rope has gotten shorter.

winter's here and the cold is both exhilarating and debilitating. i keep thinking that this must be the bottom.

today's sweet moments

this morning i meditated in the woods amidst the gentle patter of falling yellow leaves. working on being gentle with myself despite unrealized cravings, remembering the value and beauty of friendship and self-generated love.

the mild autumn continues with balmy evenings and sunny days...balancing at the mid-point of this adventure as the season turns gently towards winter.

red letter day

today was too good not to blog about.

this morning's lev was a patchwork of songs, readings, chants an amalgam that felt organic and meaningful--i love the feeling of collective creation. after breakfast and meditating, i went on a fun quest to the old-timey hardware store in canaan for more canning supplies, then to a rich iowa neighbor's apple orchard. perched precariously, splayed out and reaching, i tossed giant apples down to jordan. 3 big boxes, ready for a massive batch of applesauce on thursday...

it was finally warm and blue enough to eat lunch outside and miriam brought out the giant hobart bowl of brownie batter from the kitchen.

after lunch meditation and then spray painting funky metal shelves for the squasharium/coolside/new cool storage space...enjoying the somewhat mysterious resolution of an odd interpersonal abrasion and tunes from naf's i-pod.

our afternoon limud started out with a relay race sorting objects (pillow, beetle, music) according to whether they are borei (created from nothing) or yetzirah (created from something). caught a bit of teva's bizzare and hilarious evening skit, mainly involving an outrageous cheech impression ( i guess the kids wouldn't know), then a brief pause at hillside for wine, apples,kraut and to pick up the dairy bucket. milking the goats is a joy of course. followed by a moonlit bike adventure back to the apple-neighbors to rescue my hat, riding home crunching an apple and gazing at jupiter's brilliant orb.

does it get any sweeter?