roiling along

i just cried for an hour solid. its been awhile, and it felt good--deep guttural sobs. there were ostensible reasons: sky not communicating well, feeling worn down from emotional challenges here at TO, feeling lonely, self-deprecating........but really, my heart hurt and my hormones were raging. when i let myself wallow in the absolute depth of feeling shitty, it was a sweet respite: those moments in between the running commentary on what i OUGHT to be doing/thinking/feeling.

its been sweet with sky. since i didn't get a room in morning star, his house, we've kinda been co-habitating in his room. the floor has become a giant bed, and last night willow (his 6 year old son) slept here too. i put him to bed while sky meditated, and it was very sweet. we read some more harry potter, then lit a candle so the dark wouldn't be too scary. it took him a little while but soon he was snoring away, all snuggled up. very very sweet. i really have such a deep yearning for family, for serving and care-taking others.

this afternoon i did reiki on kenrique, the self proclaimed wizard queen. it felt good, though i could feel all my own shit roiling in my belly. afterward, he talked to me about life and death and healing. "i'm just here to be me. and do my wizard queen thing. that's it." he is such a sweetheart.

tomorrow will be a big adventure--we'll drive to orange to get our potential deisel cargo van and take it to a greasle mechanic. he'll check it over for general maintenance stuff and also for grease conversion-bility. i'm excited that this project is moving forward, and excited for the upcoming adventures! now if i can just survive the next two weeks of emotional turmoil and struggle.........

skiing and angst

Day 2 in lovely snowy connecicut---

today was the staff ski trip and dinner. i guess it didn't bode well that i felt like i was breaking sila (buddhist morality: no lying, stealing, killing, sexual misconduct (?!) or taking intoxicants) to consider myself staff enough to take advantage of the free lift ticket and ski rental...and then there's my own ethical opposition to this thrill seeking, consupicuosly consuming, natural world destroying excuse for a sport (i'm a cross country skiier at heart). but, i figured what the hell, i'm in new england and its being offered freely. and it was fun to remember that i know how to ski (thanks for all those weekend lessons, mom and dad!). but the combined cold and angst landed me in the lodge after 2 hours, feverishly studying my Reiki book.

which is exciting, i did my first little self-healing (in the Great Barrington Libary, oddly enough) and felt a significant affects from it. i think i'm ready to do healings on other people, and i've got a bunch of folks interested and lined up already. it feels incredibley natural and intuitive, so much so that i'm kind of doing it all the time--i even notice it starting to creep into my medititation practice a bit, i'm not sure how i (or how goenka would) feel about that! apparantly tali was rejected from sitting a second goenka meditation course because she wrote on her application that she'd practiced reiki in the past year.

now i'm sore and tired but happy and cozy in my beautiful little room, snacking on toasted pumpkin seeds and home-made granola. and, of course, obessively using my new laptop!