roiling along

i just cried for an hour solid. its been awhile, and it felt good--deep guttural sobs. there were ostensible reasons: sky not communicating well, feeling worn down from emotional challenges here at TO, feeling lonely, self-deprecating........but really, my heart hurt and my hormones were raging. when i let myself wallow in the absolute depth of feeling shitty, it was a sweet respite: those moments in between the running commentary on what i OUGHT to be doing/thinking/feeling.

its been sweet with sky. since i didn't get a room in morning star, his house, we've kinda been co-habitating in his room. the floor has become a giant bed, and last night willow (his 6 year old son) slept here too. i put him to bed while sky meditated, and it was very sweet. we read some more harry potter, then lit a candle so the dark wouldn't be too scary. it took him a little while but soon he was snoring away, all snuggled up. very very sweet. i really have such a deep yearning for family, for serving and care-taking others.

this afternoon i did reiki on kenrique, the self proclaimed wizard queen. it felt good, though i could feel all my own shit roiling in my belly. afterward, he talked to me about life and death and healing. "i'm just here to be me. and do my wizard queen thing. that's it." he is such a sweetheart.

tomorrow will be a big adventure--we'll drive to orange to get our potential deisel cargo van and take it to a greasle mechanic. he'll check it over for general maintenance stuff and also for grease conversion-bility. i'm excited that this project is moving forward, and excited for the upcoming adventures! now if i can just survive the next two weeks of emotional turmoil and struggle.........

graditude

after a rich and tumultuous 3 weeks at twin oaks, i'm back in snow-covered connecticut. my time at the commune is always a mixture of blessings and challenges, and this visit was no exception. it was sweet and wonderful to be back in the same zip code as sky, to reconnect, talk, snuggle, cook pancakes and plot our west-coast travels. and, being involved with him means dealing with some tough stuff. for instance, the sexy and talented artist/musician/dancer that he was involved with in september--they fell in love and she is pretty heart-broken about it. and the Family stuff is quite the emotional morass.

not to mention my usual round of insecurities, self-judgements, disconnectedness and excessive mental torture that assail me.

but i can only express deep gratitude for the past 2 days of sweet respite and transition. we spent the night in DC with johnny socko, a middle aged motor-biking movie producing architure restorationist and raging bachelor. sunday morning he attuned me for Reiki I and passed along a book of Reiki history and instruction. already i feel its resoncance with my healer yearnings and tendencies and glad for the directions it will take me. my trip up here was long but not unpleasant and i'm staying in a beautiful room with giant windows looking out onto the snowy-frosted trees. i feel nurtured by folks here and just so grateful (ok, so its a theme) to have this time and space to reflect, process and integrate before moving forward.

saying goodnight to adam, the local guru and dishwasher, he spoke about the necessity of going with the flow of the universe, even if that sometime means being assertive. even then, he said, you've got to be gentle.