rolling forward

running through the blue-black day, trying to shake up the stuck and repeating thoughts and emotions from this roller coaster train-ride (trainwreck? longest count-down EVER). chasing the giant flock of grackles as they roll over each other end-to-end through the air, turning into tree buds for a paused moment, then fanning out again in perfect synchronisity.

tired of being not the person i want to be, tired of the flutter in the gut, the walls and self-defenses, tired of feeling bad or responsible, not big enough to hold all the feelings and desires or expand like a hot-air balloon to hold it all and myself too, cradled gently and rocking.

get to be a rock star tonight, thank goodness for that. looking forward to pouring all this annoying angst through strings and amp, spilling out messy and everywhere, shoved in people's faces and down their pants. and dance it all out, letting it fly and roll through me.

looking forward to stepping off of this see-saw balancing beam and onto something firmer.

why does it matter?

tuesday night the VBs will do a final show here at Twin Oaks. Sky says he doesn't want to come (he's heard us a bunch of times, etc.), and can't figure out why it matters so much to me. i think its totally obvious and feel pretty sad and demoralized about having to explain it. but it seems like it might be useful to tease apart this sinking gut-ache, so here goes.

why does it matter?
1. its the most meaningful thing i'm doing in my life right now
2. its a profound and deep form of self-expression
3. it is the way of being in the world that i feel most connected to, a medium through which i am able to express myself intimately in a way that is public.
4. its a way of supporting me, as i support him in projects that matter (willow, djing, community processes).
6. because its important to me, and i specifically asked that he come.

too bad he doesn't read my blog, guess i'll have another go at explaining it face to face!