There is so much light and ecstatic energy in my life here. AND, my time has been reliably punctuated with periodic descents into darkness. today was one of those days. the weather complied by being grey and rainy, and i felt a rumbling heaviness building all through our morning class. the lunch break added more. Our class started out the program as two smaller classes; due to the number of folks who have dropped we were combined into one large class starting yesterday. my lunch company was half folks from each group--and it was the first time i was hearing how traumatic the switch has been for the other class, largely comprised of introverts. i love my little class, and we are definitely not introverts. Many folks from the other class had just begun to feel safe and comfortable with their small group, and with the combining were feeling scared, shocked, unsafe, silenced.
The afternoon class today was Connective Tissue; and after a brief lecture the room exploded into people pairing off, extracting tables from the closet, pulling out sheets, the room filling to the brim with tables and chaos. tightness growing in my chest. feeling myself reaching outside myself for affirmation that i'm loved and exist. definite warning flags now. i took my turn practicing the strokes, keeping my mind in the tissue. and then as we switched and stood with our partners doing the standing awareness exercise, i felt the wave inside me crest suddenly and had to bolt through the room of still, quiet bodies, dodging arms like trees and escaping to the sweet welcoming back patio of the school. i've already spent a number of days out here over the course of the program, balling my eyes out. staring at the sky and trees. balling some more. it is such a sweet, safe, welcoming space. i collapsed out there and sobbed for a little while, just feeling myself lost, swirling, letting go. soon two of my favorite teachers came out to check in on me. i didn't know what to say other than that i've been slowly letting myself be steam-rolled over the past week, losing myself more each day. we sat quietly for a few moments and i offered to go back so that my partner could have a chance to practice the strokes. they offered to move me to a different room by ourselves, and i gratefully accepted.
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| my other favorite teachers |
when this happens, i feel so highly sensitized to everything around me. after school i couldn't even make eye contact or talk to anyone, just quietly scurried around getting my things ready for the massage i was giving. and that part of the day was amazing--the most connected i've felt in a session yet, the most calm and quiet in my head. the time flashed by--almost as if it hadn't happened.
home now, and struggling to figure out what i need. cooking food, singing along to jewish chanting, trying to let myself be and feel. just now another wave crashed over my head when i realized that i've been letting my boundaries by trampled by someone i've grown closer too here. so sad and mad that i haven't gotten past this pattern yet.
A new spiritual mentor in my life wrote me this today:
What is so remarkable is your willingness to be awakened to the places where you have 'turned away'. Some people would just run screaming. Have respect for your own sincerity and courage.
