now that i've tasted it, there's no going back.  and still the fears knock at the doors.  deeply harrowed grooves of habitual thought-reactions pull me down.  i dreamed last night i was getting drunk, going numb, unconsciously causing harm.  i have tasted the depths of sweet sweet freedomlovecstacy and i cannot go back and still forward can only happen one breath at a time and my animal brain is shaking scared.  i don't know this path and i am alone. i don't know this path and i am not alone.  i know this path. i am not alone.  blue sky is peeking in through the morning branches and i have a visitor from my past.  he arrived baring the gift of Me that i was before all this, This, THIS--this bend in the river that happened 3 months ago still so new i'm breathing it in like a baby.   i don't like that Me and it doesn't like me.  i don't want to go unconscious and yet the water pushes in on me from all sides, a force stronger than gravity pushingpushingpushing.  only one choice as always.  giving over to my own watery tide of

let go.  breath.  breath.  let go.

pause.

breath.  let go.  let go.  breath.

shifting, opening, rooting

my new room: minimalist

there is something happening inside of me.  was it the 2 quarts of reishi tea i drank this week?  the Alex Grey talk that registered as a psychedelic experience?  the inevitability of a meditation practice coupled with the intense personal work of massage school?  my deepest layers of tissue and cells being touched into and realigned on a daily basis?

The new sleep schedule i seem to be in, where 5 hours a night seems to suffice for days at a time?

Regardless, yesterday morning it descended on me, like a gentle sheath washing over and through this body.  clarity.  of vision, purpose, values, direction.  simplicity.  focus.  falling away.

the answer to your question is yes

its all so simple!  said the voice, coming from a portal newly unclogged.  EVERYTHING.  yes, everything.  food; so simple.  all i want to eat now are roots and fruits.  and maybe some reishi tea.  images that pour out of my fingers inevitably draw downward towards the earth.  my legs want to plug into the planet and send down shoots, draw up vitality.  there aren't many words associated with this experience; it is in large part an experience of far fewer words than i am accustomed too.  the words falling away from the shores of this river of calm peace, laughter bubbling up when i see the inevitable eddies my mind longs to create.  certainly there's a desire to keep and hold this state; to believe its "how it is" now.  and yesterday, biking to school for thai massage it told me--enjoy this, you are safe as long as you are in touch with the inevitability that it, and everything, will change.