the galloping death

a day and half of no power, then a day and half of the galloping death (fever, cough, congestion) as i continue hurtling down this rocky road of weird instability. sunday i met with the star family (sky, paxus and hawina, willow's 3 parents), along with hawina's partner, corb. we were talking about our relationship to willow (now 6 years old) and to the family, now and in the future. whew! poignantly timed with sky having all kinds of doubts up about our future together. holding onto so many unknowns while needing to speak decisively about the future is starting to wear me down emotionally. sky is having doubts, so i feel like i need to be firm in my commitment...not that i don't have doubts too, but i'm scared of moving to a new city on my own and setting up a life for myself, scared that i'll end up living in a shitty apartment, in a dead end sucky job (or just chronically unemployed), that i won't have any friends or emotional support. how can i honestly evaluate our relationship in the face of all these doubts and fears?? it makes no sense to me. meanwhile i'm developing a pretty unhealthy emotional dependency on him and just feeling stuck on all kinds of fronts. sharing a room doesn't help...and at the same time its very sweet and homey. i'm a living contradiction, biding my time til something SNAPS.

movement

god it feels so good to be in my body and sensuality again--today was a day of healing and self-care. meditation, ultimate frisbee, hot sauna and icy pond, self-reiki....and then this sweet hot sweaty raucous dance party for caroline's birthday. the first half, i hung out with willow while sky djed. it was a little bit scary, thinking of him there with all those hot women who want him (one in particular, and its the reciprocity that seers) and, it felt very sweet to hang with willow in the fuzzy tunnels and ball pit, protect from attacking marauders, take care of his needs and just hold space for him. dancing with him on my back was a workout, but so grounding, solid.

still, i felt very cut off and shut down from my full expression. i still hold so much fear and desire to protect sky from feeling bad, hurt. so. i stayed after they left. danced. but DANCED. full on body spirit expression explosion. it felt so good, so full so intensely satisfying to just wallow in my body, sensations, emotions, and dance it all out. touching, rolling, giving in to the waves of rythmic energy sweeping through my body. thank you goddess, gods, planet, ancestors, for the gift of this body and soul in all its manifestations.

pain

the pain's sliced deep into my gut now, dug deep, settled in and took my appetite with it. everything thrown into the air again, and my attachment to sky feels fatal to my sanity. how did i end up in this place and why is my room so f'n cold. all i want to do is run down to his room, snuggle up, be held, but i'm losing myself in this crazy connection. losing my grounding, my separateness, my solidity. forcing myself to take steps away from his room, mentally tying myself to the bed so i don't streak down in the middle of the night.

i need a reality check, a voice of sanity, a hand reaching out or arms hugging.

roiling along

i just cried for an hour solid. its been awhile, and it felt good--deep guttural sobs. there were ostensible reasons: sky not communicating well, feeling worn down from emotional challenges here at TO, feeling lonely, self-deprecating........but really, my heart hurt and my hormones were raging. when i let myself wallow in the absolute depth of feeling shitty, it was a sweet respite: those moments in between the running commentary on what i OUGHT to be doing/thinking/feeling.

its been sweet with sky. since i didn't get a room in morning star, his house, we've kinda been co-habitating in his room. the floor has become a giant bed, and last night willow (his 6 year old son) slept here too. i put him to bed while sky meditated, and it was very sweet. we read some more harry potter, then lit a candle so the dark wouldn't be too scary. it took him a little while but soon he was snoring away, all snuggled up. very very sweet. i really have such a deep yearning for family, for serving and care-taking others.

this afternoon i did reiki on kenrique, the self proclaimed wizard queen. it felt good, though i could feel all my own shit roiling in my belly. afterward, he talked to me about life and death and healing. "i'm just here to be me. and do my wizard queen thing. that's it." he is such a sweetheart.

tomorrow will be a big adventure--we'll drive to orange to get our potential deisel cargo van and take it to a greasle mechanic. he'll check it over for general maintenance stuff and also for grease conversion-bility. i'm excited that this project is moving forward, and excited for the upcoming adventures! now if i can just survive the next two weeks of emotional turmoil and struggle.........

back at the oaks

when it came time to finally leave isabella freedman on saturday morning, i felt very ready. after a loong day of travel (car to train to subway to train to train), my bandmates met me at the philly train station with a carful of dumpstered Trader Joe's chocolate and big hugs. after a delicious dinner of home-made chili and cornbread, we played a rocking house party at my baker friend Michael Dolich's house of love and happiness. as the night wore on, the floor was literally bouncing from the exuberant dancing. and the vibe was very high--happy people, micro-brew beer, homemade (handmilled, organic sourdough) bread.......hard to go wrong.

Sunday morning we enjoyed a leisurely 8 course breakfast with our sweet friend ali (potatoes, eggs, grits, salad, fruit salad, biscuits, coffee and organic bacon), then headed down to silver spring, maryland (DC suburb) for another VB first--our first superbowl gig! weird but, oddly, quite fun. we did a rockin' set before the game started, and the moishe house-niks got funky. then, everyone watched the game til halftime, when we played another rockin set. likely some kind of first in the klezmer world. VBs--boldly going where no klez band has gone before!

now i'm back at twin oaks, throwing myself into work, projects and friendships. it feels good to get back into the groove of making hammocks, sewing pillows, cooking dinner, going on walks and lying in hammocks. and, a little piece of my heart is still in up in jewtopia.

leaving jewtopia

i am missing sky---missing the solidity of a committed relationship, the trust that he'll see me fully, and love me fully, the shared values and excitement about radical social, political, cultural and spiritual change, the cuddling and lovemaking, the teasing and talking and adventuring.

tomorrow is my last day here at freedman, jonas told me that i've grown alot in these past weeks; its true, my core feels stronger from this time. the folks here now are totally awesome, and its very empowering to be immersed in a group of people who are solidly on their paths. the paths are all over the map--greenhousing, leading permaculture trips in israel, going to massage school, teaching yoga and breath/movement coordination, creating jewish scribal arts, tending to goats, herbal healing....but underneath the surface variations there's a deep and shared value system of personal and spiritual growth, connection, and community.

yesterday aviva and i packed the second of three remaining barrels of adamah kraut--20 cases all told (12 jars/case)and we'll finish up the last one tomorrow, in time for shabbas. then its on to philly on saturday for klez party part #1, dc on sunday for klez (superbowl?!?!) party #2, and finally home to my sweet baby's arms.

well, i've done my first 2 reiki sessions for other people. the first was my friend julie, she's been struggling with complex emotional/relationship stuff and we both went in really deep. it felt very good to transmit healing energy for her, and after we were both a little woozy. the second was last night, a man that i am starting to have a sweet and intimate connection with. during the session, i kept having strong inclinations to bring in some massage stuff, to alter and add to the traditional series. but i held myself back, wanting to get it down the basics before incorporating my own intuitive stuff. Jonas passed out hardcore, he was totally asleep for the whole second half. and i found it somewhat hard and heavy, very different from the lightness and easy gentleness with Julie. when we chatted about it this morning, Jonas said that he could feel me tapping into his energetic body--seems like a good thing to keep in mind. also he resonated with my instincts to apply more pressure, saying that this was the most affective for him.

this is the last week for the kitchen, it closes down for the season on Sunday. i've been really enjoying being a kitchen grunt. its so satisfying, the tasks and goals are clear and its very laid back. There's a rumour spreading about Damanhur expanding with a community in the Catskills! Julie (she's also the baker here) and i started fantasizing about Jewtopia in the Catskills Damanhur, with a collectively run kosher local organic restaurant and bakery.

and, i've FINALLY overcome my fear and resistance and begun blunding my way through the process of editing the music tracks that we recorded post-adamah. the idea is to produce a CD of the morning prayers. its all very new to me and there's so much i don't know, but i'm loving the process. its helping me see also that my creative strengths lie in transmitting or altering versus just straight up creation. its a huge judgement i have of myself, so hopefully i can find more creative outlets that are satisfying and speak to my strengths.