message in a bottle

so i find myself in this semi-weird position of being in a monogom-ish relationship that mostly lacks any sexual content.  i'm just basically not that happy about this.  so, survey.....i'm feeling like this is a don't ask don't tell situation.  girlfriend has needs.  that's all.

please feel free to weigh in on this one.

and  i just know yr gonna suggest communicating.  but this is a relationship where for the most part, more words=less communication.

and why don't you just get the fuck out of my house if yr not even gonna kiss me proper.  why am i wasting my time and energy on someone who really, honestly, can't even kiss me.  some f'n  b@#$ S*^@ i'd say.

i deserve more than this.  time to walk away?  can't really do that til school's done....which is ever creeping closer and closer.  stamina....waiting it out....wtf.....what i get for dating an air sign, breaking from my history of earth-sign boyfriends.

i really just want some water up in here, a nice jew-ish nature boy who can play with me, with ease and comfort and doesn't need so f'n much from me.  soft and easy and comfortable.  universe?  you listening?  and preferably one with lots of friends who wants kids.

thanks. 

lashes

hating myself right now.  for the emotional wrecking ball and havoc that i wreak around me, most notably with the people i care about most, want most to be close to.  feels apocalyptical right now.  standing amidst the smoking ruins of the road to hell; paved with my best intentions.  and this is a pretty good definition of hell.  my presence is a poison that drives away the people i most want to be close to.  struggling with how to be with this.  how to be gentle with this.  how to soften the caustic voice that lashes at my guts with nastiness, spite and regret.  is anything changing?  am i changing?  am i doomed to an endless reply of this same set of emotions, thoughts, feelings?  feeling terrified of liking anyone or getting close because of the seemingly inevitable wretched ending that awaits.

just seeing her here and out, the way that errant lock falls over her face and the glasses that spark a seriousness belied by that mischevious glint and catlike strength inside......gar.

and just seeing sky's legs in the twin oaks kids play video, sprawled and at ease, so comfortable, soft, easy.

son i rarely think of anymore; the blessing of true and real space.  his release of me is palpable and liberating.  it does mix in to the lacerating voices though, adding another chord to the ruthless unrelenting disharmony.

naturally, its pema time.  time to draw close, closer, deeper in to this experience--how it sits in my gut like a pile of rotting fish.  how my heart shrinks in fear.  how my brain lashes at me again and again.  just letting it all play through and around me, just being just being just being.

fuck

so this week has been....heavy. things with jessay are messy and complicated and emotionally draining. having my mom here is also emotionally draining. i haven't been sleeping enough. polarity tends to stir things up. so...its been a bit rough. things have been weighing on me, i've been waking up feeling sad and heavy, able to shake it off for a few moments during the day but mostly just being heavy and sad. most of the stuff that weighs on me is not stuff that i can really talk about with other people. that tends to add to the feeling of weight. this afternoon was kind of a peak of all that--i took a nap and woke up pretty consumed by grey cloudyness. and i caved to my own inner weakness, my desire for care and support and understanding, fatigue of being alone in the grey cloud. then, i went to ecstatic dance. my body felt like shit. physically, emotionally, i wanted to puke. just achey and sore and painful and blech. dancing, dancing, dancing. about halfway through i was crouched down, just being with the shittyness of how i felt and it hit me. i'm lonely. DUH. and i've not been willing to just BE with that, just let it be there. so things have gotten complicated, in my head and in my life. even to the point of betraying your trust and telling those guys, because i wasn't paying attention and just couldn't bear to be with the feeling of being alone.

like honey, sun, and arrow

so this thing happens, when he hangs an arm over my shoulder or wraps them around my waist.  lets call it honey melt.  the physicality of my being dissolves, and i am just golden liquid.  sweet, delicious.  yes, probably addictive.

this morning when meditating, i saw the grey shell of my personality, the heavy sadness that has been holding me down by the neck yes that--saw it crack open and a big yellow sun-ball of light rose up out of the cracked grey shell.  glowing, impersonal.

yesterday when meditating i had a moment of experiencing being the arrow in the bow of life.  taut, ready, in service.  pointed in whatever direction is needed, ready to be aimed and fired.

tonight, i dance my prayers.

here's to the weekend--that it be full and rich and nourishing, grounding and spacious.  huzzah!

today

From Pema Chodron...

"The Buddhist teachings...encourage us to relax gradually and wholeheartedly into the ordinary and obvious truth of change.  Acknowledging
this truth doesn't mean that we're looking on the dark side.  What it means is that we begin to understand that we're not the only one who can't keep it together."  

more

and why does it matter?  because of the way she holds me--with her eyes, with her presence.  with her fucking arms and mouth.  with her heart.  because she reaches in and holds mine when it starts to shrink or close.  tipping my chin up when i want to hide and with the gentlest possible hand and a love firm like water.  because there is no hesitation and i can just let go.  because its safe and warm and gentle.  warm rain with thunder rumbling, lightning bolts ripping through.

i will miss the lightening.  but perhaps the rest is still possible.

this is my prayer today

mess

it all just feels like such a mess right now.  my room is a mess.  i'm behind on studying or worse don't know where i am.  i'm in this stupid relationship with this stupid boy that is basically all the hard, painful parts of a relationship without any of the good stuff that makes it worth it.  and once again i was given a sweet, amazing beautiful gift only to have it snatched away immediately.  fucking life WHY.

why does it have to be this way why can't there just be love that arrives, is beautiful, and stays?  why all of this snatching?  its like life is teasing me, torturing really and i'm so sick and tired of it SO SICK AND TIRED.  im tired of having a fucking half insane crazy boyfriend who comes and goes like the wind and can't ever be reliably counted on to just be there for me.  and why give me a sweet amazing beautiful friend, show me that we have a firey passionately explosive connection, then deny me and tear it away.  i just feel tired.  so so tired.  TIRED.  and sad and alone and just fucking exhausted.  sick of the fucking waves that never let up their beating, as soon as one ebbs and there's a moment for a breath's worth of relief, BAM the next one hits.  and its wearing me down.

i guess i should just give up.  again.  give up trying to do anything other then ride these waves.  i can't even ride them anymore, all i can do is lay in a heap on the shore, a bloody sobbing mess of a heap and let the salt water tear at my wounds.

all i want so badly is to be held.  held by someone who doesn't need me to be anything, strong or open or flexible or understanding or mature.  just a fucking mess who wants to be held and rocked and not let go of.  when does that day come?