fuck

so this week has been....heavy. things with jessay are messy and complicated and emotionally draining. having my mom here is also emotionally draining. i haven't been sleeping enough. polarity tends to stir things up. so...its been a bit rough. things have been weighing on me, i've been waking up feeling sad and heavy, able to shake it off for a few moments during the day but mostly just being heavy and sad. most of the stuff that weighs on me is not stuff that i can really talk about with other people. that tends to add to the feeling of weight. this afternoon was kind of a peak of all that--i took a nap and woke up pretty consumed by grey cloudyness. and i caved to my own inner weakness, my desire for care and support and understanding, fatigue of being alone in the grey cloud. then, i went to ecstatic dance. my body felt like shit. physically, emotionally, i wanted to puke. just achey and sore and painful and blech. dancing, dancing, dancing. about halfway through i was crouched down, just being with the shittyness of how i felt and it hit me. i'm lonely. DUH. and i've not been willing to just BE with that, just let it be there. so things have gotten complicated, in my head and in my life. even to the point of betraying your trust and telling those guys, because i wasn't paying attention and just couldn't bear to be with the feeling of being alone.