out in the siembra bean rows friday listening to david whyte and hit suddenly with the tidal wave of remembering kristen's comments at graduation. "no matter what happens, remember that you are held--not just by your friends and family or community though hopefully by them as well, but by THIS, by wild and precious life!"
i had forgotten. i had fallen into the rut of struggle and striving to make it all work by myself, slogging upstream hopelessly.
no, i DON'T have to know or understand or get it. just trust that something has a handle and is making it all happen way more awesomely than i ever could.
i had inklings, but couldn't have predicted the dark and smoldering sweetness that unfolded last night. first, just cuddling, me in just friend mode. no expectations. cuddling cuddling cuddling. which, really, does it get any better? then little kisses being delivered like presents, all over my head and neck. still holding my ground. then, the sweetest, softest, electric stroking around my face. so gentle. so delicate. slowly electrifying my entire body. then gentle, innocent mouth kisses. should probably stop here before this gets really inappropriate. but oh the perfection of that night, of receiving without an agenda or expectation, without pressure either direction. and watching the deep well of passion crack open and heave forth mightily and oh oh oh so sweetly. those eyes deep and warm, peering at me so openly; bottomless pools to swim in. that one hard pinch, the brazenness and unabashedness of it warming me. softly muttered "fuck" before another onslaught of passionate sweetness. sweet grunts of satisfaction a gentle pulse punctuating the night. weight, given and received. inescapable kissing loops. electricity ravaging my body until i have to push away, only to return again to warm cuddlyness.
i want to keep replaying it all. and i have to just let go and let be. not make it anything. i have to believe this was only possible because of my own internal shift towards clarity--that i'm in a process of mourning and grieving and letting go of sky. now that i finally have time for such things. that i need allow myself to feel sad and alone and on my own when those feelings come up and i don't know what else but i've been praying for clarity and understanding to aid me in this process.
i had forgotten. i had fallen into the rut of struggle and striving to make it all work by myself, slogging upstream hopelessly.
no, i DON'T have to know or understand or get it. just trust that something has a handle and is making it all happen way more awesomely than i ever could.
i had inklings, but couldn't have predicted the dark and smoldering sweetness that unfolded last night. first, just cuddling, me in just friend mode. no expectations. cuddling cuddling cuddling. which, really, does it get any better? then little kisses being delivered like presents, all over my head and neck. still holding my ground. then, the sweetest, softest, electric stroking around my face. so gentle. so delicate. slowly electrifying my entire body. then gentle, innocent mouth kisses. should probably stop here before this gets really inappropriate. but oh the perfection of that night, of receiving without an agenda or expectation, without pressure either direction. and watching the deep well of passion crack open and heave forth mightily and oh oh oh so sweetly. those eyes deep and warm, peering at me so openly; bottomless pools to swim in. that one hard pinch, the brazenness and unabashedness of it warming me. softly muttered "fuck" before another onslaught of passionate sweetness. sweet grunts of satisfaction a gentle pulse punctuating the night. weight, given and received. inescapable kissing loops. electricity ravaging my body until i have to push away, only to return again to warm cuddlyness.
i want to keep replaying it all. and i have to just let go and let be. not make it anything. i have to believe this was only possible because of my own internal shift towards clarity--that i'm in a process of mourning and grieving and letting go of sky. now that i finally have time for such things. that i need allow myself to feel sad and alone and on my own when those feelings come up and i don't know what else but i've been praying for clarity and understanding to aid me in this process.
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