magic mountain

we are entering the final month of adamah and winter is closing in.

the other night, a friend and i went on a night-time hiking adventure. loaded down with blankets, candles, hot ginger tea, warm applesauce, chocolate, and a little herb, we hiked up to the beebe hill spot of future adamah fields. its an amazing spot, a serene field looking down on a horizon-full of mountains. we hiked up in the dark and found a place under a huge old tree. the hug of mountains around us was barely visible beneath the stars, despite the darkness of the new moon. we set up our little camp and said a bunch of prayers and blessings of thanks for the spot and life and beauty and wonder. then we set personal intentions for the herb, including specific requests.

tucked into our little spot, cuddled against the cold we blasted each other wide open, sharing deeply about inner monsters and dark spots by the light of flickering candles. and when it was time to go, we warded of the chill by sprinting across the wide mountain field towards home.

pure magic.

swallowed

this morning ilana and i canned 17 jars of delicious chunky applesauce, hopefully i'll be around this winter to enjoy some of it.

i'm drowning in the tidal wave of a daily 6am-9pm schedule. exhausted from constant negotiations with folks that i'm not sure really give a shit about me and worn out from constant lack of sleep and exercise.

somehow in the middle of the undertow a brother appeared from nowhere today, randomly traveling through for a day and a night. felt so good to drop into immediate intimacy and recognition, a friendly soul on the same path, weightless and effortless with pokeberry fingers.

and thank god for meditation, keeping me solidly grounded in the swamp of emotions inhabiting my lower gut, keeping the tears flowing. averaging 2-3 good cries a day now, a new experience for me. i guess my rope has gotten shorter.

winter's here and the cold is both exhilarating and debilitating. i keep thinking that this must be the bottom.

today's sweet moments

this morning i meditated in the woods amidst the gentle patter of falling yellow leaves. working on being gentle with myself despite unrealized cravings, remembering the value and beauty of friendship and self-generated love.

the mild autumn continues with balmy evenings and sunny days...balancing at the mid-point of this adventure as the season turns gently towards winter.

red letter day

today was too good not to blog about.

this morning's lev was a patchwork of songs, readings, chants an amalgam that felt organic and meaningful--i love the feeling of collective creation. after breakfast and meditating, i went on a fun quest to the old-timey hardware store in canaan for more canning supplies, then to a rich iowa neighbor's apple orchard. perched precariously, splayed out and reaching, i tossed giant apples down to jordan. 3 big boxes, ready for a massive batch of applesauce on thursday...

it was finally warm and blue enough to eat lunch outside and miriam brought out the giant hobart bowl of brownie batter from the kitchen.

after lunch meditation and then spray painting funky metal shelves for the squasharium/coolside/new cool storage space...enjoying the somewhat mysterious resolution of an odd interpersonal abrasion and tunes from naf's i-pod.

our afternoon limud started out with a relay race sorting objects (pillow, beetle, music) according to whether they are borei (created from nothing) or yetzirah (created from something). caught a bit of teva's bizzare and hilarious evening skit, mainly involving an outrageous cheech impression ( i guess the kids wouldn't know), then a brief pause at hillside for wine, apples,kraut and to pick up the dairy bucket. milking the goats is a joy of course. followed by a moonlit bike adventure back to the apple-neighbors to rescue my hat, riding home crunching an apple and gazing at jupiter's brilliant orb.

does it get any sweeter?

magical morning

biking through the early morning dawn to yoga class this morning felt magical, even though the class still kinda kicks my ass. i stayed in the yurt afterward to meditate and about halfway into my hour, i heard the door open softly, and casey from teva tiptoed over to ask if it'd be ok to play music--turned out that teva's morning community time was a dance/stretch/be party.

i stayed sitting as folks trickled in slowly, moving and stretching to gorgeous guitar arrangements of jewish melodies. the music picked up and as the bodies swirled slowly around me i could feel my internal balance shifting subtly and whirling in new patterns. those folks just exude love and openness and it felt amazing to meditate in their midst. towards the end i let my body rise and boogy to the music, then returned to my cushion for the last 10 minutes.

the weather is palpably turning now; folks are nesting, baking, and snuggling. i've put up a giant patchwork dividing curtain in my room and creating a cozy nest of nurturance for my winter hibernation. lots of rough inter-personal stuff is up with small community inevitability, and i'm doing my best to feel it fully and remind myself to keep engaging. its overwhelming sometimes but also deeply satisfying.

the falls

friday afternoon i was psyched about cooking up lots of sadeh vegis (garlic, onions, squash...and my first stab at wild rice!) for a big ole' shabbat dinner, but halfway through the afternoon i burned out on the social tension. my half of the bedroom i share had digressed into a disorganized, spiritually draining and irredemable mess. then jordon came to my rescue and we biked to the falls (of falls village). its a beautiful ride, on little country roads dappled with golden light shining through the tunnel of turning leaves. i vented some on the way, just getting shit off my chest. but when we got there, we entered a different, sacred space. sitting at the top of giant slabs or rock that curve gently down to to the tumbling falls, our souls unhinged and dissolved into the rocks and air. it was like resting in the hand of god, held gently in a giant love. we talked more, about our deapest fears and insecurities, about the shapes we saw in the clouds and our favorite parts of the waterfall (this calm pool, that bubbling spray)...and about how much we loved each other. it is so satisfying and empowering to feel such a strong and deep love and connection in a completely non-sexual way. when we finally dragged ourselves away and swooped down the hill towards home, i felt deeply healed.

the theme of this week is lonliness in a crowd. what i've noticed is that the times i feel most happy, open, and connected are in prayer, while playing music and when connecting deeply and authentically with another person. often they're not that different from each other.

on the outs

i don't want to mis-represent my life here by only writing when things are good...and boy have i been feeling wretched since returning to this crazy life on the jewish commune! i got walloped by a wicked combination of pms, transition blues, claustrophobia, touch deprivation, lack of sex, and over-programming that have left me reeling. it feels good to just let myself feel bad, so i'm doing my best to steal time wherever i can to be alone and down. or just to be.

i made a batch of applesauce this afternoon, from apples we picked this morning at a freedman board member's organic orchard (!). i bake one of the grotesquely bulbous blue squash, too, and a pumpkin shaped squash. its satisfying and good to remember how much i love processing food. the weather was grey and rainy, a good day for cooking and wallowing. i'm trying to remind myself to keep feeling empowered to create the life i want for myself here, and not get sucked in to the pre-programmed schedule.

there's a pig roast at a local CSA this saturday, and a cider pressing party at a local raw dairy on sunday--it'll be good to chill with some new and local peeps.