mama kas on the road

technonerd

2012-01-23T08:05:00.000-08:00

I will (hopefully) be exiting mainstream society once again in a year, and have started to ponder the weaning process. Its fascinating particularly in the techno-realm, because I was still living at Twin Oaks when cell phones, texting, and facebook exploded. I resisted their tempting pull initially. And eventually, i sucame. in a MAJOR way. To the point where I've been known to say things like "why call, when you can text?" and find myself trapped in a technology loop, viewing friends of friends facebook pics. EEK!!! Sky insists that the transition back will be smooth and easy, that there's no expectation of instant communication at Twin Oaks. But I'm wonder if these new neural pathways will take more then a gentle nudging to re-form themselves. At any rate, thank goodness for the intervention.

you heard it here first

2012-01-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

From urban gardening,

small business owner,

bike-powered transport

and music-playing....

after a couple of weeks of consideration and pondering, we've decided to re-apply for membership at twin oaks and if accepted, return in a year or so. wow! why? well, for the past 2 years we've been dreaming and planning with our compadres roberto and marta (currently residing at twin oaks) on creating or finding a new community. keenan asked me how ours would be different than twin oaks; a dicey question since its still so much in the unresolved-dreamstate. but, i told him: there will be a strong inward focus (personal growth, healthy inter-personal dynamics) and a strong outward focus (interacting w/impacting the world or as many people as possible). "great!" he said. "twin oaks is neither of those. and we certainly need more communities."

back to the land of hippies?!?!?!

the decision feels right and good in many ways. it gives sky some more focussed family time while willow is still young (he'll be 10 on Validation Day), it gives Hawina and I a better container for continuing to heal our connection, it gives the 4 of us (me sky roberto marta) lots of closeness and access to work and plan, it puts us in close contact w/lots of people interested in community. and knowledgeable about it. it facilitates the re-uniting of the vulgar bulgars (currently we are travelling from cville and richmond to practice at twin oaks. the cites are on opposite sides of the oaks). it frees us up from "survival" mode of earning enough to pay rent etc.

and i think we've done a spectacular job in tackling cville. we've created 2 successful collective businesses, we've made lots of great friends, participated in myriad interesting projects, made it work financially w/o getting jobs we hate (a continual miracle to me). we live in an awesome collective house that feels like home. so why leave? at the root, in these 3 years, despite our many efforts, we still haven't found the people that have the energy and will to create the kind of community that we want. cville has an intensely transient feel. folks get into their projects for however long, but there's rarely a sense of putting down roots, of being here for the long haul. ironically, the 2 people i know here that really HAVE decided to put down roots have extenuating circumstances that prevent them from being able to create a living/working/playing community with us.

so there it is. happy to hear your thoughts/reflections/feedback..........

Occupy Videos!

2011-10-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

Occupy Cville still goin' strong...there's been so much awesome media around this, here are 2 of my current faves...

Outing the Ringers

I am not moving.

Occupy Cville

2011-10-13T17:33:00.000-07:00

Things are happening fast around here and i've been meaning to write a post about it. But Sara's post says it all...plus she quotes me. so check it out!

love revolution

2011-10-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

The love revolution is a radical retaliation to the current unhappy state of affairs in the world: political, economic, social, environmental and spiritual. it is the sweet song of freedom sung in the face of bulldozers, oil rigs and landmines. it is a reclamation of our birthright claim to love, happiness, deep satisfaction and meaningful connections to ourselves, each other and the planet.

The love revolution is about getting real with ourselves about our own baggage, our own responsibility and our own power to reclaim and transform ourselves, each other and the world. its about breaking down the barriers that capitalist consumerism feeds on; the barriers that create a false sense of separation from ourselves, each other, the planet.

it is re-connecting to our tribal roots: the self-sufficiency afforded by small communities providing for themselves while remaining connected to a web of similarly decentralized groups....it is about nourishing ourselves deeply on the love that is abundant within and between us, and using that power and energy to help liberate more and more people and to create a thriving new society in time for the fall of the current status quo.

--my portion of joint blog rokarevolution.wordpress.com

Occupy!

2011-10-04T18:05:00.000-07:00

I am excited about Occupy Wallstreet. I'll admit it straight out. Some part of me rejoices at people re-claiming public space, looking to each other to provide for basic needs, carving out space to discuss the power structures and unyielding point a finger at the deep injustice to which we have all become inured.

There's lots of
great links i could post, but the best coverage I've found is on democracy now. check it out of your at all curious--in particular, there's a great interview with David Graeber. So is it effective? What is the point?

As my brilliant housemate Sara Tansey says, if people are having an experience of a different and better way of creating a society, its working! Perhaps most compelling is the notion that this is not a protest; it is a demonstration of how to run our society in a more inclusive and equitable way. The General Assembly Model is a model for inclusion and democratic decision making on a mass scale.

Many unions have endorsed the action, and the mobilization is spreading to other cities, including Washington, LA, Boston, Chicago, Miami, Portland Maine, Denver...and many more are popping up. The first Occupy Cville meeting is tomorrow, 6:30 at Random Row Books--stop by if your in the area!

Grannies

2011-09-30T12:48:00.000-07:00

Marione

Saturday night, sky and i came home from an invigorating Transition Town potluck just plumb tuckered. It was a gathering of the folks from Transition Cville Albermarle and a couple folks from Transition Staunton, a fairly well established group. More in a future post--but here i just want to say: we arrived home to a kitchen full o' grannies. Piper and Marione, Twin Oaks' oldest ladies were spending the night at woodfolk. they were attending MIC50--the conference on the military industrial complex at fifty years old.

Piper

Both die-hard activists, these adorable biddies were eating their evening yoghurt in our kitchen. they clucked over us and we got them towels and helped out with some settling-in logistics. After they went off to bed, i felt such appreciation for what we are able to provide each other across the generations. As younger folks, our help is more obvious: logistics, help getting around. But what they offer is also so sweet and invaluable. There's something about the unconditional love that old people give us young'uns that is unique and special.

Its the same when Willow is around; there's something about having a kid that brings out the playful bubblyness in everyone around them. I want to create and live in communities that bring together the 3 generations to live inter-dependently. The breadth and richness of connection that is possible feels tantalizingly out of reach in my current life, and having a little injection of grannynes reminds me to keep it in the forefront as a priority.

Pyromethus Rising

2011-09-11T18:13:00.001-07:00

I've recently started playing music with Christian Breedan's Mysterious Concoctions, coincidentally just as they are in the midst of creating the soundtrack for the feature length film, Pyrometheus. Here's what director/producer Brian Wimer has to say about the film:

Did humanity start from a cosmic oven that fell from space?

In 2009 I met performers from the Scintillation fire troupe at a Rollerderby halftime show. We discussed collaborating on a project. One year later, we gave birth to the feature-length art film PYROMETHEUS. Think of it an alternative Cirque de Soleil doing Prometheus.

More specifically: an artistically-performed history of the human universe as told via the Greek myth of Prometheus: from cosmic creation story, to the genesis of mankind, creation of gender, the arts and warfare … and the central tale of how Prometheus stole fire from the Gods, was punished and rescued.

Angel funded and wrought from breath, piss and kerosene, PYROMETHEUS defied my expectations of where performers could take my half-baked suggestions. These talented, fire-spinning folks frolicked in mud, paint and fifty gallon drums of makeshift blood, parkoured over burning staffs and ignited three-story Joan of Arc pyres by a giant metal dragon built from a Grand Marquis. And then there was the orgy scene.

We lost nearly half the cast when things got kinky. That was after the Last Supper scene with the glazed ham that turned into a nude dancer covered in BBQ sauce. Yes, we did go there. And there’s a swan sex scene.

Currently in post-production, PYROMETHEUS is slated to be finished by summertime – once we write the entire operatic score. Plus there’s the whole creation of the cosmos part with one hundred nude bodies floating in embryonic bubbles. We could use another one of those angel investors.

If you didn't check out the preview, do it now! You won't be sorry.
So it is looking like I will be part of the musical voice for this bizarre film. I can't quite decide how I feel about it. Part of me wants to dismiss the project outright as solipsistic and self-indulgent. But it does seem like they're all having a good time...and I'm weirdly compelled by it. Jury's out, please feel free to weigh in here with your thoughts!

to Scape or not to Scape?

2011-08-31T08:05:00.000-07:00

C'ville Foodscapes is a collective business that designs, installs, and maintains food-producing gardens for people at their homes, here in Charlottesville, VA. A group of 6 of us created it in 2008. The remaining 4 of us are now starting a process of re-visioning, and perhaps over-hauling this baby that we birthed nearly 3 years ago.

Its a tricky process. When we started (with a group of 6), our visions were broad and expansive. We wanted to support the local food community by helping people grow food at their homes. We wanted to connect the dots in the local food movement. We wanted to create a neighborhood CSA, a street-side veggie sands with food from the community, and opportunities for folks to earn money from their excess veggies and build community with those around them. We wanted to create an easily replicable model for other communities.

We spent a year just honing our vision. Honing it into what we hoped would be a successful business model that could eventually expand into all manner of groovy side-shoots. We made spreadsheets. And more spreadsheets. We revised the spread-sheets. We scrapped the spreadsheets and made new, better spreadsheets. And when I say we, mostly I mean sky, spreadsheet guru supreme.

The first year was a crazy ride--we were still figuring out how exactly we were going to do basic things: how are we going to build those compost bins? how will we get to jobs (car? bike?) We had weekly meetings for at least 2, and sometimes nearly 4, hours. We dealt with some crazy hurdles and had meltdowns, both individually and collectively. And we implemented a Garden Grants program, providing complete garden systems for folks who can't afford our services: a 4x8 veggie bed planted, compost bin and rain barrel. We did one last year, and will do at least 5 this year.

At the end of our first year, Wendy and Angel decided to move on from the business. Ptack, Sam, Sky and I searched for replacements. We met many fine, qualified and passionate folks, and we didn't succeed in finding a match for what we were looking for. This was largely b/c we didn't really know what income we could provide folks. Its a project, not a job, we told people. And most people don't have the time, energy or inclination to take on a new project baby while juggling the rest of their lives.

So here we are, our second year on the wane. And once again, its time to figure out What The H&%$ We're Doing! The four of us agree that what we did this year was a smashing success. It worked business wise, and it wasn't too overwhelming. We made a decent dollar/hour, nearly doubled from last year. And, the business as it stands is not what we're passionate about.

Without extra folks, its been challenging to bring in and expand the community piece. And that piece is what originally brought us all to the table. So where to from here? Can we re-structure and still shoot for the larger vision? Is it time to scrap it and move on? Should we just become a non-profit?

We plan to pull together a larger pool of folks to help us think this through. Folks in the local food community, in the non-profit community, and in our larger pool of trusted thinkers. Its been a wild ride and who knows where it'll take us next!

back in the saddle

2011-08-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

Paxus challenged me to start blogging weekly ("if you can meditate as much as twice a day [2hrs/day] you can write in your blog weekly"). Hard to argue with that logic, so here's my new commitment to blogging weekly at least.

The day of the quake was our last day to go to the Fluvanna Correctional Center for Women. A few friends and I have been working with a small group of women there since March. They are part of Readyness Wellness, a small residential re-entry program for about 20 women who have a history of trauma or substance abuse and will be released within 2 years. The women must apply to be in the program, and must particpate and be on good behaviour to remain in the program.

As a result, its a very self-selecting group. The 13 women who made it to Tuesday's graduation ceremony were bursting with pride and looking resplendent in their green graduation robes and hats.

The whole afternoon was very moving. The women had decorated their wing with streamers and a giant banner w/their names, hand-prints and inspirational words like passion, perseverance, and most notably: attitude. Which these women have in abundance.

Dawn lead the ceremony; a self-title chatty kathy and generally brazen, outspoken women with a huge heart. in the tea and cake section at the end, a younger member of the group (23 years old) showed us the pile of birthday cards that dawn had somehow managed to orchestrate the sending of. These cards are not available at fluvanna; she had inspired someone out there to buy and send these cards to her so that Leah would feel loved on her birthday.

There was a chaplain's blessing, a brief reading, and a performance by a group of inmate Praise Dancers; a new concept for me (check it this group from LA). Many of the women got up and shared what the program had meant to them; where they'd been and where they stood now. And then the presenting of the certificates began...One powerful women named Star was recieving hers, tears welling up. Just as Mr. Young asked her what the tears were for, the ground started shaking. !!!!!!!!!!!!!! We weren't too close to the epicenter...and things are pretty well bolted down there. The ceremony continued for a little while, til word came down that they was an emergency count. groaning ensued, as everyone returned to their cells--the whole thing took about 45 minutes, and then continued on seemlessly. though star no longer remembered why she'd been crying.

Misty and I were both trying to get in touch with a sense of closure and completion: we'd likely never see these women again. Both of us felt that the experience of connecting with these women had made a huge difference for us, but that although the group time seemed impactful and the women raved about it, we really had no idea if it would have a lasting impact on them.

I'm very grateful to have had the experience, and those women are undoubtedly among the strongest, ballsiest, most passionate I have known. And I'm left with questions: what is the most effective way to support people who are caught in the "justice" system? Is there a way to support the people without supporting the institution? Is it something that can be addressed on a personal level, or must it be a systemic solution? Perhaps...

Our strategy should be not only to confront empire, but to lay siege to it. To deprive it of oxygen. To shame it. To mock it. With our art, our music, our literature, our stubbornness, our joy, our brilliance, our sheer relentlessness, and our ability to tell our own stories...

- Arundhati Roy

gypsy fiddlin' for C.L.A.W.

2011-06-04T09:00:00.001-07:00

last weekend afforded 2 great opportunities for me to revel in my inner gypsy fiddler. an amalgalm of musicians had the fun of playing at C.L.A.W. (charlottesville ladies arm wrestling).

This fantastic event is a fundraiser for a non-profit, generally one that benefits women. Women go all out to create their ch
aracters (Bulldog, the Morton A Salt Girl, Ady Dee, Strawberry Tallcake etc.) and the event was MCed by two beautiful women, one with a beard.

We had pulled together our little band in the last week, and the vibe there was just awesome.The Ref takes his job very seriously And penalties are doled out regularly.

the boss

2011-05-26T15:07:00.000-07:00

This morning, sky, patrick and I went on a cville foodscapes job together. it was fairly straightforward. patrick was the lead, so we followed his direction to weed, till and top-dress 4 large raised beds.

this afternoon, i was host at alexander house. a guest arrived while sky was in the house. he sent me over to check her in; hanging laundry, sky asked where i'd like him to be, did i want him to finish cleaning the house?

The new guest asked me if i was in charge, if this was my place. and i realized that of course it looked like i was the manager, taking over for the peon cleaning person. this is a very cool feature of collective endeavors; you can selectively deem people boss.

turns out, even in a collective venture we don't all need or even want to be bottom line responsible all the time for everything; its actually very freeing to pass that blessing/burden around. and it feels completely different when it is an intentional choice than when it is an entrenched power dynamic.

Home-grow Entertainment

2011-05-22T16:25:00.000-07:00

Two awesome events happened this Saturday; Motleigh Musicalia is a 43 year old private music festival that takes place on a beautiful piece of land next to the river about a half hour from Cville. It's invite only, and completely non-commercial; truely a DIY affair. The extended "family" of folks that created and have been coming to this festival is large, friendly, and very musically inclined. People set up their own camps; each one had a little jam session going on--mostly old time, with a bit of irish, bluegrass, western swing thrown in.

There was a large central tent with a dance floor. Friday night there was a square dance there, and Morris Dancers performed on Saturday.

Morris Dancers!

The land includes a beautiful and delightfully icy river. The land is owned by some lady, and funds for renting it each year come from selling t shirts. The concept is absolutely brilliant. Really, the best part of a festival is the music, good company, and beautiful location, right? Who cares about the lame-o big name bands, the fry truck or the hordes of people. Musicalia takes the best of the festival culture and recreates it on its own terms.

Musicalia! This X 100...

After a blissful afternoon spent dunking in the river, soaking up the music, and sitting in on some jams, I left with a friend to head back to town for a very different, yet similarly DIY scene.

This was a birthday party hosted by one of the founders of Scintillation, our local firespinning/dance crew. The party's theme: Kundalini Mudpit. The host had created an amazing love tunnel as entry to the party by transforming the stairwell into a glimmering tunnel of self-love. Signs alone the way read "Yes!" "Forgive yourself", "You have everything you need" and more. Curtains led to a soft and spacious love tunnel; the tunnel emerged into a harem-like room.

Scintillation on the Downtown Mall

There was a lounge area with cushions and low table, hookah hanging down from the ceiling. People in all manner of brightly colored and uber sexy outfits lounged amist the pillows. A clothes rack held more available sexy and colorful costumes, sky had his little dj station set up in a corner. a massage table was set up, as well. The party had a strong thread of ARE folks who had grown up going to the Edgar Cayce Camp. The vibe was warm, sexy, and lively; antics included a mini burlesque show and some public and communal birthday flogging.

I don't know these folks well, but i appreciate the care and creativity that went into creating an amazing ambiance, fantastic costumes, and good vibes all around. The only sadness I felt at both these events was the heavy reliance on pot, booze and cigarettes. Hopefully these relics of mainstream culture will soon be deemed unnecessary as we create ever more fabulous parties for ourselves! Viva la Cultura Nueva!

The Gypsy Rabble

boomer action

2011-05-21T08:27:00.001-07:00

Joanie

Dave

Dave and Joanie are roving baby boomer activists. They joined together about 5 years ago and formed a Non Profit focused on local, sustainable food. They've spent these last years travellening together as drop-in activists. They land in a city, quickly figure out who the movers and shakers are, embed themselves in the community and create a project that serves the people well. They've done things like help folks in Jamaica create a native medicinal garden and help lead workshops on community organizing for community gardens. Their approach is smart and savvy--Dave is brisque, quick and officious; Joanie is warm and chatty. Together they are a dynamo team, highly effective community organizers and hugs asset to any community they parachute into. As one of my housemates commented, they look like their fresh from the golf field, but actually they're gonna kick some @#$.

Lucky us, after 5 years of travelling activism, they decided to settle down in Charlottesville for the forseable future! Applying the same pricincples of community organizing as their shorter stays, they quickly connected with tons of people in town. They soon found their way to Alexis, and thus us. They've been in town under a year, and have already hosted a workshop on community organizing around community gardens, re-started the local Transition Town group, become regular volunteers with Virginia Organizing, the Local Food Hub, the Food Bank. They've gotten connected with Karen Waters from QCC, Holly Edwards on City Council, and Dave Norris our esteemed Mayor. Yesterday we sat down with them for some brainstorming collaboration.

Some highlights from the project incubator:

Collaborating with JABA (Jefferson Board for the Aging) to take over their 400 sq.ft. heated hoophouse and turn it into a community greenhouse.

Creating a garden of diversity; a community garden with plots maintained by some of the cultural subgroups we have here in town, brought here by the IRC, a local organization that places refugees. Each plot would host cultural events special to their region.

Most exciting for me; we talked about marrying our idea of an urban commune with their idea of an urban education and sustainability center. A house in town that would have zero sum energy use, innovative and affordable energy saving measures, and have gardens demonstrating vertical growing, fishponds, permaculture concepts. And, it would be lived and run by a community of folks who would run workshops and demos out of the space.

We've already done rounds of brainstorming on this concept and have a bunch of stuff drafted; mision statement, a vision, elements we want to include. And so had they; they've got a concept paper, business plan, and power point presentation. We plan to share our documents and get together again soon. yee haw!

the women at fluvanna correctional center

2011-05-19T15:18:00.001-07:00

Fluvanna Correctional Center for Women

for nearly 2 months now, a group 4 women including myself have been spending time each Wednesday afternoon with a group of about 20 women at fluvanna correctional center for women (prison about 20 minutes outside of town). the group we work with is part of the readyness/wellness program; mental health staff created the program about 3 months ago. its for women with a history of trauma or abuse, and who will be released within 2 years.

We started our first session with the women by asking how they'd like to spend the time together, and generated a list that included everything from dance, to resume writing, to anger management, to astrology. everything we've done with them has been received enthusiastically and warmly. these women are big-hearted and wise, and so welcoming to us each week.

yesterday's session started out with some of the women sharing from a writing assignment from last week; letters they would never send. the few letters that folks shared were intense and poignant. one was a letter to a lover/boyfriend, asking repeatedly why he never answered his phone on saturday nights. another was an angry letter to god, asking how he could stand for the injustice and suffering that permeate this world.

clementine guided the conversation into a larger discussion around setting intentions for life on the outside. the most intense and heart-breaking thread was about children--one women said that her dream was to have a 3rd baby, and do it "right"-sober, present, engaged. Her previous two pregnancies had been while she was battling drug addiction. another women shared about her 4 kids who had all been taken from her. one, she'd never met. she advised the other women that you have to get clean and sober FIRST; having a baby won't get you sober. in her words "the love for your children is strong. but the power the addiction has over you is stronger".

one women was being discharged 2 days later; she had just completed treatment for cancer. her husband had also just gotten out of jail, so they would both soon be reunited with their 11 year old daughter. we ended the afternoon with a silly and fun theatre game, that got us all laughing together.

i feel lucky to spend time with these women each week--they carry so much pain and wisdom, and have such a spirit of bigheartedness and generosity. They welcome us across the cultural divide and shower us with love and appreciation. i have so much hope for each of them as they prepare for the next chapter, vowing that things will be different. and i hold alot of fear and sadness knowing that the deck of poverty, drug addiction and domestic violence is stacked against them.

rain and garden

2011-05-17T19:55:00.000-07:00

the rain was amazing today--all day long, the weather switched from misting to pouring to sunny, to windy/cloudy, to dumping, to misty, to drenching to sunny. and ended with a lovely rainbow. the garden is goin' nuts and i dried bunches of chamomile in the oven. we're eating lots of greens from the garden now; mustard, kale, spinach, lettuce. surprise flowers have been popping up all around the garden, daisies, sunflowers, black eyed susans. i've planted some flowers from seed as well, and look forward to meeting them--4'oclock don pedros in particular. not sure what they look like. and we'll have sungold's this year, the best yellow cherry tomato. lots of zukes and cukes from the looks of it, and i just saw the first pea blossom today. it really is a little zen-zone, just puttering in the morning and evening each day.

there's a little row of cosmos coming up, too

please excuse the obligatory cheesy garden post.

Money and Music

2011-05-16T19:03:00.001-07:00

We had our weekly Alexander House (Collectively owned and run Inn and Hostel) meeting this morning. A large chunk of which was spent continuing to slog through the process of re-vamping our compensation structure. Somewhat miraculously, we've made it over a year an half doing completely equal splits each month; trusting that we are all putting in what we are able and that it is roughly equal or at least equitable (whatever that means).

But, now, we are finally shifting over. Tracking our hours each month, we will divide the lump sum designated for our monthly payouts proportionally according to hours worked. I know, so radical. But it is a big shift for us. Brings up all sorts of interesting questions, as well. When things are just divided equally, are we more inclined to cut corners, do a rush job, leave more cleaning for the next shift? If we track hours and compensate accordingly, are we more likely to "pad"hours, work more slowly, do unnecessary tasks? Equal Divide = more efficient workers? Proportional Pay outs = more good stuff gets done (cobwebs, weeding)?

We're in the midst of our second month at hours tracking, and so far I'm enjoying it. I have a bit of residual Twin Oaks hours tracking PTSD: i'm happiest when time is the furthest thing from my mind, the hours slip by and i'm utterly absorbed. And, it does set my mind at ease to know that I don't need to worry if i'm doing too little or way more than i ought to. And that reminds, me, need to record my hours for the last few days.

Meanwhile, i'm still busy obsessing over that fiddle o'mine, and also starting to anticipate Trout's triumphant return. i've been sending him youtube videos, priming the pump on tunes to learn. He sent back one called The Gael, and I can't tell if its a joke or what. Still dreaming of a weekend spent locked up in a cabin w/fiddle and guitar. Stay tuned for some reels and jigs!

Trout: Just too fabulous for Babylon....

back in love w/the fiddle

2011-05-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

well, it finally happened. after a musical drought over the past year--rat and trout both out of town (ratsylvanian and irish musical compadres), no more vulgar bulgars and no more mojo--its all flowin' again. currently i am obsessed with this tune.

And having found the perfect teacher, i'm on a rigorous diet of the circle of fourths, dominant chords, modes etc. he's a jazz trumpeter (my mom found it very confusing that i had chosen him as a teacher); sweet, passionate, and totally down. he's plugging me into the theory i need to bust out on the next level. its what i've been waiting and searching for for years now.

and, with rat back in town we are yet again getting the band back together; ez on bass, sky on drums, fiddle and accordion. we had our first gig w/more coming up and now are working on the names. the ratsylvanians? peaches and vodka? new bulgar all stars? feel free to send in name suggestions.

trout is set to return soon as well, so gettin' back in the irish gear as well. check this tune out--the little sister peaking in is super cute, too.

2011-03-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

finally quieting down after a day full of waves of emotion. feel a bit washed up on shore, beached whale-like. empty. drained. lighter from crying and raging.

taken in pieces, it all works, this life that i have. and still there are moments of break down, overwhelm, lashing out and collapsing under the weight.

2011-01-20T19:09:00.000-08:00

there's some crazy inertia thing that happens from being in action. i enjoyed it today, juggling scheduling, gardening, SELP coaching, and biking all the way across town to FINALLY (its been nearly a year) deal w/my decrepit glasses. amazingly, the dude in at the glasses shop was some kinda hero saint and told me quietly that the previous pair they'd made for me, the ones that mysteriously give me headaches....well, he would break them so that he could give me new ones under warranty. FOR FREE. that sure feels good on the ole' shoestring budget! i guess the point of just doing stuff i stead of procrastinating is then you get to do more, different, cooler stuff. or at least that lingering yucky feeling of stuckness is temporarily wiped away.

twin oaks tooth remedy

2011-01-13T17:32:00.001-08:00

last night i had plans to go to twin oaks and felt super torn--stay home, nurse my toothache, enjoy home and family dinner and michele snuggles? or make the trek out to TO? in the end, i went with the landmark standby of doing what i said i would do--the pain seemed to subside slightly so i climbed into Alexis' VOP truck for the twin oaks trek.

and i so appreciated the social infusion and ease. dinner turned into girls table w/marta, kele, and caroline; goofy girlyness and easy bonding. then trekking up to tupe we lolled on the bed while i nursed my tooth, watching the clock waiting for the next round of painkillers. eventually we meandered out to the living room for the ClaireCloud birthday hangout. The living room is gorgeous these days--still decked out as narnia with giant pine boughs all around and a big tree in the middle. the furnace was cookin', claire baking chocolate pudding cake and cloud preparing pots of tea, labeled in beautiful calligraphy. it was an art-baking-lounge party, so art supplies were strewn all around. i parked myself in my little pain-cloud in front of the furnace and relaxed into the mellow yummy vibes. pretty soon we started playing picture-sentence, where you write a sentence, then fold and pass and the next person draws their version of your sentence. at some point caroline offered real-deal pain killers, and my foggy cloud slowly became a little foggier and a little less painful. some hilarity with in the manner of the adverb, and then eventually we played Big Booty, a rowdy, fast paced circle clapping and shouting game. it felt fine and comfy to flow in and out as the tooth sensation dictated. eventually, marta and i made our way up to the cuddle loft-cum-beaver lodge; transformed into the coziest of spots w/bed, lamp, couch. in my drugged haze we chatted til nearly 1am. drifting off to sleep was pure decadence and thank god i slept through the night and woke up pain free!

the new human

2011-01-11T09:34:00.000-08:00

at the landmark self expression and leadership training last week, the leader lowered her voice and told us conspiratorially --this is what we're doing. we're designing the New Human Being. a human that can create new possibilities at any point, that is not locked into the cumulative straight jacket of past experiences, made-up interpretations and stories, limiting self talk. a human that can step outside of this jumbled mess to state clearly what she is out to create and step boldly into that newly created space.

ro said the same, in a totally different context. she's a new kind of human--we are deprogramming ourselves. we are learning a way of loving that goes against our biological programming, goes against our cultural programming. unlearning jealousy, envy, possessiveness, needyness. or holding them more holisticallly and gently as mere illusions that pass on through, leaving us more spacious and able to receive. and give.

another day, another slash

2011-01-10T18:54:00.000-08:00

ok, so i'm taking on foenix's unstated (and likely not even intended) challenge to use this durn blog a bit more....today was a bit of a toughie and right now i'm raging at the difficulty of being intimate with people AT ALL. specifically people that i don't live with whose faces i can't see as they deliver curt one-liners regarding their state of being/lack of space for mine. sometimes it feels like the New Culture does away with basic courtesy--imposing the violent act of shoving my stuff down my throat, gulping it down til my gut protrudes with undigested emotion. so why? why? why? why does my ego demand constant stroking? because maybe that's all satisfying intimate connection is--an affirmation that I Exist. My friend Oren once told me: most conversations between two people could be boiled down to "me, me me, you. you you you me me me. me you you me, me you me you". and then...us. that's the truly scary bit, stepping into that space of us so that some part of me exists in some part of you, and then how do i hold that bit, how do i protect and keep it from being wounded when you he she it shuts me out or down or just turns away.

thank goddess i exist only as wispy bits of now

2011-01-09T18:05:00.001-08:00

i'm so tired, so wired. 48 hours of nearly straight social contact. dinner cooking frenzy friday afternoon, a massive chopping endeavor that culminated in candle lighting, bread and wine blessing and then feasting: black eyed peas, collards, sweet potato fries, rice, challah and apple crisp. living room exploding with people eating talking laughing. morph to poorly attended dance party, morph to mini puppy pile of self reflective hilarity. deafening poor ro and piercing the massage next door with my hyena like peals. late night skirmish with sky, melt down and more massive puppy pile into snuggly sleep with michele. waking early to the morning putterings of many houseguests, pancakes and yoga in the living room. quiete time, small chats and confessions, walk, snuggle, meditate. into the Fuzz, intensorama sharing and space for sky and i to start sorting through last nights mess with that amazing circle of love and support around us. (this is how i always thought it should be, how the heck are 2 people gonna magically know the answers to dealing with each others patterns and baggage and garbage. that village that we needed to raise us? turns out we still need it. or at least i do.) fuzz into discombobulation, then driving to TO playing the guessing game, where you pick a person and then ask questions to narrow it down: if this person were a tree, a kind of weather, a dinosaur. to TO to rolling and play, roughest yet and my first delving into that depth of power play==new, fun, scary silly sweet at the end into a cuddlysoftsafeloveychat. dinner and chaos, blast from the europe travels past and i'm briefly confronted with me 2 years ago. not a pretty sight. back up to tupelo, briefly crashing sky and feo's date; grateful for that and for the ease though how can leaving that scene when semi graciously invited by sky to do so be anything but awkward...back down to my own date, back into the rolling playfightingchattingscheminglove mode. then a late night scifiporno, my first and quite entertaining. sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep.........wake earlymeditate snuggle more and growly lions, to breakfast then sky debrief, back to snuggly bed w/feo for more chattinglaughing. introduced her to maude, my insecure self-bashing inner me and nancy, her flip; far better than you will ever be. poison! walking and eating and delving....back to tupe for romasky, more snuggles and holding sky who is struggling...to the truck and immediate new fight explosion...finding some place to meet in the middle, sharing appreciations in a desperate attempt at finding a lifeline back to us...home and more process, taking responsibility for my own screwups with my favorite housemate, and finally the feast of the year for dinner, truly divine. pomegranitejicamaroasted nut salad, sundriedtomatorosmemary foccacia, and unspeakably delicious sweetpotato zuke bechemel lasagna.

so ready to collapse now into sweet sweet sleep.

Oil Spill

2010-12-27T12:51:00.000-08:00

The November/December Issue of Orion Magazine contains a beautiful piece by nature writer Terry Tempest Williams. She travels to the site of the oil spill months after its onset, well into the "clean-up" stage, with 2 friends (a photographer and videographer). I picked up this magazine at my friend Craig's house a couple months ago. The world she creates with her words is all-consuming, and and sat utterly transfixed on the stairs. This is a gentle and lurid encounter with the people and place that are feeling the brunt of our insatiable thirst for oil. Horror, anger, fear, and a sense of connection to the people and place washed over me as I traveled with her, eavesdropping on her conversations with the locals, seeing the landscape through her eyes and sharing her musings. But when I came to this line, from the helicopter pilot who flies Terry over the explosion site itself and the expanse of oily ocean that surrounds it, the tears finally welled up. Not sadness so much, or anger, but shame. Shame that we are so willing to destroy this planet in the face of those who have peacefully shared it for so many eons. Here is the excerpt. I invite you to read the full article as well.

Tom[the pilot] tells us of flying with photographers John Wathen and J Henry Fair filming the oil burning. “It was apocalyptic,” he says. “But the image that continues to haunt me was the group of dolphins facing the fires, perfectly lined up on the edge of the flames, together, watching.”

announcing a new blog!

2010-12-15T07:51:00.001-08:00

my friend roberto and i have just launched a new collaborative blog, rokarevolution! read, comment, subscribe, spread the word.

getting the love

2010-10-18T16:34:00.000-07:00

recently in a co-counseling session, my fearless counselor pointed out that i am surrounded by love, despite my insistence that i am utterly unlovable. there was a moment where it as so clear to me--that though i fight it every step of the way, there are so many wonderful people around me, loving me up. in the past few days, i've had moments of just letting that soak in, despite all my internal resistance and protestations. its powerful and magical, and feels so good. we all deserve that, we all have it. its just a matter of getting the yucky stuff out of the way, those old messages that we learned in a moment of childhood survival. here's to getting there quickly and gracefully.

cold

2010-10-15T17:27:00.001-07:00

with the cold setting in, i feel my emotional brain shutting down. all systems point to--GET COZY!! unfortunately, the coziness level is currently quite low. both in my room and in my brain. its been a week of kicking myself, for one relationship trouble after another. i'm sick of it! and cold! i can feel my self shrinking into it, getting smaller and tighter.

i made myself go to ecstatic dance today after sitting in 2 hours of traffic to go 20 miles. returning from the cville foodscapes annual retreat; big news is wendy is dropping out! this bizarre and unexpected tidbit left us all reeling a bit. thankfully, it seems we can make money doing this so that relieves certain pressures. while adding to others. (damned commitment!). i still need to make 2 unreasonable requests today, and feel stuck. i still need to meditate. i REALLY want to curl up in a ball and watch 6 feet under.

Ro said today, he felt bummed cuz he wanted to give me love but didn't want to play this cat and mouse game. the game of him giving me love, me taking it for granted etc. wise one that one.

meanwhile, i enter the week of the crazy: tomorrow, women build habitat day, sunday more cville foodscapes retreating, tues. back to Alexandria...willow here wed.....etc. the madness would be ok if i felt more on top of my expansion. but this damned cold makes it so hard to not just shrink into a tight and tiny ball.

flow is on

2010-10-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

well, after 4 and a half days of intense emotional upheaval and growing anxiety, my flow is on! thank goodness. interestingly, it wasn't til this morning that (at the suggestion of a friend) i focussed my intention on bringing it on. and seemingly it worked. that or the good half hour of co-counseling SHAKING. maybe both.

but man, i'm still sinking deep into some kinda pathetic mirey pit of self-yuckiness!! wavering really, cuz sometimes its just the world that is yuck. its hiding under the bed time. nonstop crying time. self pity party. blech.

at times its ok, just where i'm at, low down and in the depths. its just when i forget that its ok, that there's always times like this and just enjoy it while its here.......that things start to get ugly
awesome images courtesy of my sister's awesome picto-blog.

best response ever

2010-10-08T14:26:00.000-07:00

a friend invited me to join her and her date for dinner tonight--gchatting w/the date, i expressed concern about imposing on them, and also that my current mood was quite gnarly and convincing me that everyone secretly hates me.

his response: "all the more reason to come. so come let us hate you properly".

unplugging

2010-10-07T06:11:00.000-07:00

ok, cooking rice pudding and procrastinating on attacking today's task-list.........

so, what would unplugging look like in each instance??

hostel--damn, this one's hard. we've got so much debt that its hard to take money out of the equation. so, it'd be jumping to the grand vision: a multi-dimensional multi-use dynamic space, for visitors and townies to come together, a place to share cultural events; movies, discussions, potlucks, dance parties. homegrown entertainment/education, supported by work trade and pure love.

cville foodscapes--argh, this one's tough too. transforming to a grant and fundraiser run program that provides gardening support and education for low-wealth folks? creating a network of home-growers who come together to share food, recipes, labor? creating links between area farmers and local home-gardeners towards local food-independence?

urban commune--ok, this one's easier. off the grid, beautiful out door composter, homey space with room for many, radical homeyness and culture jamming.

women's group--this one's already heading there. supporting each other emotionally, physically, spiritually. providing the nourishment that we need to do our hard work in the world.

prison project--creating continuity and a community of support post-transition/re-entry...

landmark selp--er. focus my coaching project next round on this. create more support and continuity among our growing community here in town.

co-counseling--learn to be a teacher, spread the good word.

klezmer ensembles--offer this gift in places that need it--prison, jail, schools.

aright, looks like i've got my work cut out for me. maybe this is all heading towards an intention for the new year, 2011, the last before the transition. seems like i ought to be incorporating something about technology use here--its substitute for real human emotional connection. eek! case in point! i'll ponder that one further.

off the task-land....

what the

2010-10-06T17:18:00.001-07:00

i guess i feel more compelled to blog when sky is away....tonight, i'm musing on what the f is it in me that insists on refusing love!??! here i am, surrounded by people expressing love and care in so may ways, and all i can do is fight, fight, fight. so much easier and safer to go it alone, that's that evil voice deep inside that's building fences and walls as fast as i can tear them down.

scary that that lives deep inside me, sabotaging my efforts and tearing apart connections. killing people off. tonight, for the first time i had the experience of someone other than sky saying "i feel shut down" after i spoke. i do that. how. why. jesus!

trying to take tim jackins' advice: you never ever have permission for any reason to feel bad about yourself.

dang that's hard.

so often, its so much easier to be hard and hateful then soft and vulnerable. being scared and angry comes so easily, so naturally. slides off the tongue. dagumit.

the residue sucks too--emotional sewage, lingering in my system. regret, guilt, sorrow for the poison i'm injecting into the world.

and, wow, dang, thank you universe for the collective consciousness and positive vibrations of group process. another miracle tonight, from 6 scattered and separate people holding some vague notion of prison work, to the Self-Empowerment Forum [disclaimer: no clue of course where this will ultimately go]; a series of sessions on topics from sexual health to poetry to car maintenance for women at Fluvanna Correctional Center. For the women on their way OUT of Fluvanna. On their way back into this weird f'd up place we inhabit.

R. dreams of unplugging these folks, unplugging from the system that oppresses us all. that sounds good, sign me up too. and while your at it, i'd like to unplug this crazy monkey mind of self-hate that is talking my ear off.

unplugging--that's a concept i'd like to hold close and integrate into my every day lives. yes, plural, because even though there's endless overlap in each group that i put myself in (hostel, cville foodscapes, urban commune, women's group, prison project, landmark selp, co-counseling, klezmer ensembles), each is a different slice of me, a disparate slice of me. craving cohesion, why not use this thread, unplugging, to tie them altogether?

i'll take it.

early autumn update

2010-09-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

scanning previous posts, i felt inspired tonight to share with y'all what is up in the world of kas. maybe its because sky just left for 2 weeks on the west coast, maybe its because my internal tectonic shifts feel particularly poignant (don't they always though), maybe just because its a lonely rainy night.

aright peeps, here's the highlights.

music
after a long bout of internal wrestling and resistance, Cloud TO helped me break out and re-fall in love with my long beloved fiddle friend again. with her gentle (and totally unexpected!) guidance and support, i let me heart re-open to this part of myself, and am on the brink of embarking on new adventures in music; namely jumping into the world of jazz. more importantly, we've rekindled our long standing romance and i feel a renewed tenderness towards my fiddly friend. if you're in cville, come on out to live arts 5pm this sunday afternoon for a show of tangoes, wine and cheese.

relationships
falling in love is the theme here, and i am re-falling in love with sky. we've got tons o' shit to work out, and are beginning to do so as well as getting in touch with why the heck we're doin' this crazy thing together. feeling particularly blessed to have a partner who shares so many of my values and lifestyle choices....and is such a steady rock of love, support and nurturance in my life. new sparks and sparking too, but i feel shy about sharing that here....

work
both businesses continue to boom, the hostel has a fantastic crew of 5 at the moment, and made it successfully through year 1 of cooperative ownership, yahoo! cville foodscapes prepares for a series of end of season reflection sessions. still need more steady income....music perhaps? jewish pre-school? incontinence windfall? sugar daddy or mama?

community
nearly 2 years here in cville. a women's group has spun off from the birthday women's camping trip that i organized, the urban commune has re-formed with an awesome group of energized peeps, woodfolk contains a number of these particular peeps at the moment, building connections with certain Twin Oakers and Acorners, and the various groups continue to intersect and coalesce in interesting and satisfying ways. I'm learning that one of the juiciest experiences for me is bringing together folks i love who don't know each other and facilitating cross-pollinating connections. love it!

personal growth
rockin' the killer trio of vipassana meditation, co-counseling and landmark. blasting stuff wide open, discharging childhood traumas, expanding my capacities, learning and re-learning to just be with it all.

so that's mostly what's up at the moment. i'm certainly curious if there's still anyone out there reading this, and pondering future directions and how this medium can be of most benefit to others.

but meanwhile, snuggily time fast approaches and my bed is calling to me..........

what what

2010-04-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

somehow things are continuing to hurtle forward at breakneck speed, with us poor wingless folks clinging on for dear life. note to self: learn how to fly.

foodscapes jobs continue to stream our way, despite the fact that we still lack a proper vehicle. (doh!) people still keep coming to stay at the hostel, despite the fact that we have regular flake outs of every stripe (arranging pick-ups, faulty keys, forgotten shifts). and i swing between leaping straight into the storm, juggling schedules, materials, logistics, pulling favors....and leaping back out to sauna, putter in our garden, blast music and just forget that i ever agreed to be a part of 2 (why, oh why) new businesses.

but then...its so sweet meeting the hostel dwellers who faun over the comfyness and cozyness of Alexander House. and how damned gratifying to start people on the path to food subsistence.

no time for posting

2010-04-04T06:49:00.000-07:00

we're in the thick of it now....i skipped town right after the hostel expansion open house and cville foodscapes launch party, perfect timing! my getaway was to spend 10 days serving in the kitchen at a silent meditation retreat. hard to capture how incredibly rewarding this experience was....i got to be the kitchen manager, and it stretched me in every way imaginable. Its hard work, long days, but with at least 3 hours of meditation each day and total support from the staff and center it was such a growthful experience.

now i'm home, and its spring! the peas are coming up, each morning the garden pulls me out barefoot and half dressed to plant more seeds and admire the new baby seedlings poking up. bees are going nuts with all the fruit trees, and business is booming. bike riding is pure delight again, salad every day and basil starts on my window sill.

sweet, sweeter, sweetest!

Cville Foodscapes Launches!

2010-02-09T10:48:00.001-08:00

As you may (or may not) have heard, Sky and I are part of a group of folks starting up a new collective business here in Charlottesville. Its called C’ville Foodscapes, and the basic service is installing, building, and/or maintaining vegetable gardens in people’s yards. We’ve been working on this project for almost a year now, and are very excited to be on the cusp of launching this winter/spring.

Our website (www.cvillefoodscapes.com) is coming soon. Here’s a snippet: the story of how we began.

When Angel moved in across the street from Patrick in the winter of 2008, the idea of an urban agriculture project was little more than a brief, neighborly conversation out on the front porch. That conversation quickly snowballed; and as they continued chatting about the idea of creating a backyard CSA in the city, they soon found out that some other folks in town had also been scheming. Sam had recently posted a similar idea on the Eat Local list-serve, and Wendy had responded to his post. Soon, Kassia and Sky came onto the scene; fresh from West Coast travels, and they had their own dreams of expansive urban farming.

It wasn’t long before we all found our way back to Angel’s porch on a sunny day in early February. As we shared our visions for the project, a few themes immediately emerged. We were all interested in supporting a sustainable urban food system. We were all concerned with food justice; making healthy, delicious food available to people of all income levels and demographics. We were interested in working collectively, and in creating a viable business model that would provide satisfying work at a reasonable income.

Our early meetings felt almost eerily charmed and magical. Our skill sets and past experiences fit neatly together. In addition to all of our own personal gardens, Angel and Sam had both spent time working on established CSA farms in the area. Sam had also been certified in Permaculture design. Patrick had experience working in urban community gardens and doing community organizing work. Meticulously organized and well-connected in the city, Wendy had previous experience running a small business. While living at the Twin Oaks Community, Kassia and Sky had be able to live and work cooperatively, and gained hands-on farming skills. They had also just spent months traveling in the states and abroad, researching successful models of urban sustainability and urban agriculture projects.

A bit giddy with excitement, our initial visioning was large and expansive. We dreamed of backyard gardens blanketing the town, of an urban CSA run out of people’s yards, neighborhood veggie stands selling produce grown right on the block, and abandoned lots turned into thriving community gardens. We wanted to help transform Charlottesville into a patchwork of thriving edible foodscapes. As we continued meeting regularly, many questions arose and we discussed a myriad of different ways that an urban agriculture project could exist in the city of Charlottesville. With guidance from local organizations and suggestions from friends, we spent many long hours hashing things out in living rooms and on porches over endless cups of tea. Eventually, we honed the project and emerged nearly a year later as C’ville Foodscapes.

Join us for our kick-off party Sunday, March 7th 1-5pm at Random Row books: live music, yummy food, seed swap, veggie fashion show and surprise, Cville Foodscaper/superhero Skit and more!

everything you need in life is streaming towards you

2010-01-27T16:03:00.000-08:00

my friend shell batiked this beautiful quote onto a lovely orange banner for me--it hangs above my desk and is a regular source of reflection. its a great question to contemplate. sometimes i clearly see gifts rushing towards me; yoga classes, a free massage table, the night sky full of stars, delicious smoothies.

right now, its tone is more one of: everything i need to learn and grow is rushing towards me. i've been trying hard to resist the lessons, and thankfully failing at least half the time. more support in the various cville projects also seems to be coming downstream towards me, as well as birth-learning opportunities, a musical partner to inspire me, satisfying work and even a little income.

One of my yoga teachers recently said "the first step to getting what you want is knowing what it is". so here is my special requests portion, things that i'm asking the universe to send my way in bounteous abundance: HUGS, open listening hearts, buddy adventures, self-love, jews, and dancing opportunities.

ojala!

birth on the brain

2010-01-17T16:40:00.001-08:00

My life is very full right now, projects and passions pulling me in lots of different directions. Still, one thread is emerging of late; and it pulls me forward with a gentle, steady tug.

BIRTH!

after months of dawdling along with a distance doula (birth assistant) program, my friend Elsa's imminent birth snapped me into action. She asked me to be her doula; this would be my first (human) birth. a few weeks before her due date, it dawned on me that i actually knew next to nothing about the basic processes of birth, and also had lots to learn about concrete support practices for a laboring woman.

A month later, i've got 2 child birth preparation classes under my belt, have read a ton of books...and just this past week, i had the opportunity to support elsa through her labor and birth out at Twin Oaks.

its a bit uncanny how fully this has taken hold; like the flip of a switch, its taken over my brain. on the intellectual level, i am now endlessly fascinated by odd quirks of birth, birth viewed through historic and anthropological lenses, individual women's birth stories.........and on the flip side, attending elsa at her birth and in the post-partum period felt totally intuitive, instinctual, natural and easy. some part of me clicked in and knew exactly what to do, how to be, where to put my hands and how hard to press. the more deeply i was able to tap into this intuitive stream, the easier it was. and what a gift to be working with 2 amazing, powerful women (midwife and her assistant)--wise, skilled, warmly compassionate and supportive forces of nature.

i also love that every time i post anything about birth on my facebook status, i get 5-10 comments from other women, about their births or birth in general. folks that i haven't communicated with in years, maybe even since high school happily volunteer tidbits from their own birth stories, or words of advice or encouragement.

i came out of the birth still unsure if it is my own personal path to bear a child (or children). its a tricky question that sky and i have not yet resolved. he feels done, having done it once. i'm not sure. nothing is for sure at this point, and a lot will depend on the future we create together.

the most moving part of the birth was seeing the intensity between the parents as they labored together: such deep intimacy and closeness as well as emotional and physical expression! its the same thing that i loved about playing weddings with the vulgar bulgars. i just love participating in and supporting people in these huge, sacred, life-changing transitional moments of life. there's a rawness, a depth of experience and feeling that is just so special to witness and support.

i'm still not sure where this is all heading--hospital doula? opening a birth center? donating services to anyone who comes my way? apprenticing with a midwife? being a mother? being a midwife?

but i do feel solid and sure that this one part of my path.

3 weeks away

2009-11-26T06:41:00.000-08:00

I just came back from a 3 week trip of amazing intensity; the first leg was going up to Massachusetts to sit my 5th 10 day meditation course.

my teacher
I went in with a strong intention to WORK, hard, and focus. It helped to have my own room, and my own meditation cell. other than hours and hours of meditation, a few things stood out. One was the moment when i caught my mind in the act of grasping for something, ANYTHING, to react to. I witnessed it scrambling madly for some thought or memory, positive or negative, to latch onto and then freak out about. fascinating to see that my mind's ceaseless exertion is not necessarily about feeling good or bad, only that my brain is constanly in the act of grasping for something to react to.

There was also a fascinating moment when i got to witness myself generating negativity, anger in this case. The whole course functions by bell--bells are rung to signify the end of each sit, the start of each meal, when to wake up, etc. towards the middle they started to get spotty; one tea time bell was a half hour late and they stopped ringing altogether in the pagoda. a bit unsettling, naturally, but not a huge deal. one day, i was sitting in the hall during the last pre-tea time stretch. my mind started to wander, contemplating whether or not the teatime bell would be rung. my body intuitively felt that the end of this session was approaching, and some part of my mind queried, "what if thye don't ring the bell?" and in response, in a moment of stark mental/emotional clarity, i watched the thought/emotion rise up from deep within myself, clearly illuminated by the nothingness that surrounded it..."i'm gonna be pissed!" what!?!? i'm making the conscious decision to generate this negativity, creating suffering for myself? WTF? crazy to see this, and a deep learning moment.

Another highlight was at the end, the metta session where we learn the loving kindness meditation. i've already internalized to some degree the concept that all suffering truly comes from within, not from outside circumstances. yes, hard to actually put into practice in one's life. in a way though, its easy; no ones wants to suffer, and if i'm truly the source of it, it provides a clear path out of suffering. but somehow i'd never quite heard the flip side, which is of course equally important. the source of happiness is only inside me, not outside. whoa! huge! that radically transforms my orientation to everything, illucidating how much i depend on outside sources for my happiness.

more soon on the other amazing and inspiring legs of my journey.......

music

2009-10-25T10:47:00.001-07:00

i quit playing violin for over a month recently. all the band/combo stuff dried up--accordianist from accordian death squad joined the circus in south america, and trout and i seem to have lost the motivation for the irish stuff. things got busy, we bought this hostel, etc. somehow, it doesn't take much and suddenly i'm back to being 12 years old and not wanting to "practice." nevermind that it brings me immense joy, and is critical to my mental/emotional well-being. i'm just to fidgety NOT to play music--having the outlet available at all times is so sanity inducing.

finally, thank goodness, someone posted a link to this video on facebook . i showed it to housemate darla who does not have this problem--she obsessively plays music all the time, and told me that it seemed like i didn't like my violin very much! we ended up jamming on it. lately i've been listening to some amazing and nearly indecipherable macedonian music...here's why i love eastern european culture....the lyrics translate to
If I die or if I'm killed
Don't cry for me
Pour red wine
And break the glasses

Hey, faithful friends
Sing a song, remember me

If I die or if I'm killed
Don't call a priest
Come to my grave
And dance the oro

If I die or if I'm killed
The memories will be
What a wild dude I was
In the years of my youth!

also trying to the jazz thing--darla's currently obssessed with this song, so i've been playing it a bit. now if we can just get the band back together....

Testival

2009-10-04T05:10:00.000-07:00

last night we took a friend and willow out to acorn for the Testival of Villages in the Sky. I was feeling a bit trepidatious, big parties often give me the weirdies esp. since going off substances. the benefits of social lubricants... I often get caught in the "where should i be now, what should i be doing now who should i be talking to" brain trip.

We got there around 4 and rounded up folks for a game of ultimate frisbee--the frisbee folks are always ready to go play wherever, whenever. we even had a couple of the teens, kids of x-commundards both. it was just super fun, tight tight D so you had to be on your toes. those kids just tearing around the field.

I made my way down to the party site slowly, after meditating. amazing how sometime it takes the whole hour of sitting there fighting with my brain, and then in the final minute, something just falls away allowing a tiny bit more presence.

then slowly bouncing around--rockin' out on the dance floor, chatting here and there. romance in the herb garden with the moon washing everything in steely blue light, chatting with vince about romance ("what is that makes something romantic?"), sitting in the crow's nest looking down at the beautiful fire circle, people wandering. watching willow and tarren tear around all night, jumping in the trampoline, the ball pit, chasing giant balls around...sitting by the fire as the evening wound down.

this is hard

2009-10-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

highlights of today--our first graduation weekend inquiry, more phone-line nonsense, an accidental double-booking (by previous manager), and host + guests temporarily locked out, eek!

despite all that, its rolling along with a few new bookings. its still bizarre to me every time someone calls on The Booking Phone. Still a bit nervous too, brad (old manager) is so polished and confident sounding. soon, soon.

meanwhile my lungs keep filling with mucous and i have a wracking cough. feeling nervous about winter's onset and the coming chill!!

we own a hostel

2009-10-01T18:41:00.000-07:00

i've been neglecting this blog because it was feeling too solipsistic and self-absorbed. now there's news--BIG news. We (a group of 6 people--3 X twinoakers, 3 current Woodfolkers, 3 Patchwork Farmers, 2 members of the cult of Rebecca's[local health food store]--yeah, small town with lots of crossover) have now OFFICIALLY taken ownership of Alexander House. the hostel has been running for about 5 years, in an sweet little house in belmont. the crazy thing about this project is that its a collective endeavour; no boss, no manager, no bottom line except all of us. pretty f'n amazing.

today was our first day, and we've already experienced: random man who forgot his coat, and returned to retrieve it/befriend the current guests, lost luggage delivery during dinner (chris went over to deal), request for guests with a service dog (turns out its illegal to refuse or charge extra). It is amazing, overwhelming, exciting, awesome. the best part is that we're all in it together--and that feels pretty great. tell all your friends and fam--we're still working on the new-and-improved-website, til then you can book a room by calling 434 327 6447.

momentum

2009-07-31T14:41:00.000-07:00

...is an amazing thing! and overcoming inertia.

the self expression leadership program is really helping me push through resistance, put myself out there, make requests of people and be in ACTION!

my project #2 is to transform Cville into a garden of eden by establishing edible landscaping (fruit trees, nut trees, berry bushes) on city property, in parks, and on commercial property that borders public spaces. i met khadija abdur-rachman a couple weeks ago--she's a city person who works for neighborhood development. our brief chat left me confident that she had energy and know-how in this area. i knew she'd be a key person but it still took me 2 weeks (!!!) to get the nerve up to contact her. i finally emailed her today--within minutes she'd written back an excited email, full of energy and ideas. the gist--she's in!!

then, i went to alexis--burnt out on cville activism that he is, i'm banking on his fruit-o-phile nature to overcome his pessimism for local organizing (he does have over 80 fruit trees in the yard). brief chat and....also in!!

then, the scariest one. susan, who works for the urban farm and used to work for parks and rec. intense power house lady. not the exhuberant, bubbling type. quick to point out the many flaws in a seemingly good plan. after staring at the phone for a full 5 minutes, continually talking myself out of it (we dont' really need her! etc.), i just picked up the phone and called QCC. totally by chance, i caught her in the office (its market day). i gave it to her the quick and dirty. dropped some names. told her i thought of her, b/c it perfectly bridges her worlds of city parks and rec, and community based urban farm.

and....just like that....

she's in!!!!

whoa. that. is. whack.

i've already sold vince on it, so we've totally got a kick-butt group. of course i have no idea what this will REALLY involve, what it will look like, etc. but ride now i'm just ridin' the wave.

canning

2009-07-29T19:27:00.000-07:00

part of the agricultural intern position that sky and i have taken on is CANNING! our goal has been to grow as much food as possible, and preserve as much as possible for the winter. we kicked off on saturday, bumbling through the tomato canning with kelly's help. should we cook them down? can them whole? add spices? take the skins off? a quick call to Acorn and we had what we needed "just add a bit of apple cider vinegar and you'll be fine!"

On Monday, i made a bunch of pesto with basil culls from the farmer's market via food not bombs, as well as a big pan of zucchini bread. Alexis approved fully, and licked the bowl. Tuesday, sky made another batch of lacto-fermented purple kraut. i've become very addicted to the kraut.

today, we did another round of tomatoes and then got adventurous with roasted peppers--preserved in a balsamic vinegar, olive oil, garlic rosemary concoction. whoa! major yum. its pretty decadent eats around here these days, with all of the luscious tomatoes, zukes just starting, peppers, basil, and beets. not to mention onions, leeks, carrots, cabbage....

next up: canned blackberries and blueberry jam. peaches, pears, grapes...and FIGS! though the figs don't usually make it to the canning stage.

birthday bash

2009-07-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

i've never thrown myself a big 'ole birthday party before. in fact, i've never really thrown a big party before. The experience was really remarkable.

Tons of people helped out--a crew of awesome fairy women came over in the morning to transform the house--ivy and flowers everywhere, billowing fabric and candles. sky and trout made pies. as people started to arrive, i had the supreme delight of playing music w/trout and ez.

it was nice to be present and offer my energy to the party in that way--i love playing with trout so much. as it grew dark and the room slowly filled with people, fruit, and flowers, we faded out and began corralling folks for the play-within-the-play.
some chaotic madness ensued, as we tried to cover all the parts and fill in gaps. the quartet of Wall rehearsed their segment in one corner as thea and i attempted to coordinate the other characters. "do we have a theseus?" "no, i'll go find one" "oh wait, we have theseus, we need demetrius!" "whose bottom?" "jon. but he doesn't want to be in it. but elsa will. oh wait, she's already oberon." etc. beautiful chaos.

After one false start, the actors launched into the dramatic and absurd play. it was utterly hilarious and spectacular, i couldn't help howling with laughter throughout. vince's dramatic, touching and prolonged death scene (in striped tights) was particularly moving.

After the play, everyone started singing the birthday songs--traditional, plus the usual twin oaks bevy. my favorite:

its your birthday/grunt/its your birthday, grunt/people dying everywhere/vultures flying in the air/its your birthday/grunt/may the candles on your cake/burn like cities in your wake/its your birthday/grunt

...and then a wild dance party. there was lots of fruit: peaches, mangos, bluberries, ground cherries, plums; as well as the apple and peach/wineberry pie, ice tea, wine, and dates. it was a truly decadent and magical evening.

and jon's chaps brought it to the next level.

day in the garden

2009-07-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

sky and i slept in til a deliciously late 10:30 this morning (well, mostly slept) so after meditating, half the day was gone! it was a big garden day, slowly turning out the brassicas and making room for the summer/fall stuff. we pulled up the rest of the onions and hung them to dry, trimmed up the last batch and bagged them. harvested the rest of the broccoli side-shoots and pulled up the plants. harvested the first leeks, thinned the beets (and harvested the thinnings). the tomatoes are starting to come on, and we have an amazing variety--fuzzy peach, grape, german striped. some big mamas, too. getting close to canning time. harvested some purple cabbage and made a new batch of kraut.

and then cooked a lunch of beets, broccoli, tomatoes.

sky went out to twin oaks tonight, and its sweet to have the night to myself. indulge in an episode of 6 feet under (yes, i'm a closet addict), eat some peaches and coconut milk ice cream, call friends, clean my room, prepare for the BIG DAY tomorrow. and now to bed, as i've got an 8:30 date with a neighbor to talk about borrowing a weed wacker.

ask and....

2009-07-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

one of my favorite landmark distinctions is "making powerful requests." Today, sky and i were tabling for Urban Evolution (yes, its starting to be like THAT) at a Meet Your Neighborhood event in Lee park. Towards the end of the event, the main organizer came over and urged us to go up to the main tent. A few city workers, from neighborhood development and public utilities were there answering questions from the people.

we ran over. The audience questions were on the wane, so i jumped in right away. First, i asked about edible landscaping on city land, including parks. i got a name in parks and rec--the dude to follow up with. then i asked about grey water, and got a muddled answer about rainwater for landscaping. sky took the mic then, and asked about zoning and the 4-unrelated-person maximum occupancy regulation. nothing new there; preventing slumlords, accurately judging utility use etc.

i sat in my seat, very present to last nights dream in which i was invited to join boulder, colorado's city council. these people's JOB is to serve us, to make cville a better place to live. so much of our work is about neighborhood development. this was an amazing opportunity, what else could i ask for? i've been planning a ridge st. block party for august--a harvest fest, cookout, neighborhood story sharing party in the street. so far, the various permits we'll need total nearly $300. i've been feeling pretty stumped about where that money will come from--this is not a wealthy neighborhood. folks have been happy to bring a dish to share, or share stories. they're psyched to have a party in the neighborhood. i went back and forth in my head "ask, no i can't ask, just ask! no, i can't." it never hurts to ask, i decided. so. i made my powerful request, bumbling a bit and ending with the possibility for the event; a chance for the community to really come together and connect, have a good time and build community. pause. winning smile. the three panel folks silently stared at me. pregnant pause.

then, the moderator approached me and said quietly, "sometimes we can make an exception. give me a call" and handed me his card. i looked at it, and it said "Maurice Jones, Assistant City Manager."

whoa.

the power of doing

2009-07-16T17:53:00.000-07:00

its amazing how impossible and overwhelming a project can feel when i'm doing NOTHING to move it forward. and, how ease-ful, inspiring and energizing it is when i am doing stuff--even tiny things, to move it forward.

my self expression and leadership program project (well, one of them) is a ridge street neighborhood block party/cookout. its been evolving slowly, and i'm getting more excited about it. tonight i talked to the remaining neighbors on the portion of street that we want to shut down for the party. one lady had refused to open her door last night, shouting through the glass "we don't open our doors after dark!!" today, she was outside. i chatted with her and she begrudgingly consented to the block party on her street, as long as she could get her car in and out. then she blew my mind by offering to make a dish, even if she couldn't make it!

at the next house, i knocked right in the middle of the bath hour. a twin boy and girl (totally adorable) took turns peeping around the corner and shouting for help as i spoke with their mother. she said that her grandfather had built the house for his wife and had owned all the land around. he sold it off bit by bit.

this neighborhood is rich with stories, from folks who have lived here 20, 30, 50 years. a new piece of the project is starting to emerge as i meet more of the people who live in this neighborhood. I want to create an oral history, a collection of stories. and have an opportunity for folks to share their stories with fellow ridge st. neighbors at our august gathering.

my tendency is for projects to get bigger in my mind, and then overwhelm me into paralysis. the key, i'm learning, is to continue to create opportunities for leadership for OTHER people, expanding the pool of leaders, and thus, what is possible.

yay!

treats of the day

2009-07-15T19:23:00.001-07:00

1. between bikerideberrypicking and afternoon garden shift, heat of the day: iced coffee with maple syrup and soymilk.

2. staking up the peppers. hot, sweaty, dirty. time for a break: wineberries with coconut milk ice cream, hazelnut milk, crumbled cookie.

3. last treat of the night, before lasts tasks, after exhilarating mini-canvass of raymond st. neighbors for the ridge st. block party: wineberries w/soymilk and maple syrup.

renewed committment to blogging, and bday fest!

2009-07-13T08:56:00.000-07:00

ok, i've said this before but.........i so enjoy blogs when the blogger posts regularly! so i am renewing my dedication to regular blogging.

feel free to hold me to that........

.....................................................................................

i haven't thrown myself a birthday for quite a few years. and the last time i did, i ended up running away and hiding due to a severe case of overwhelm/meltdown.

this year, i'm breaking through the resistance, and throwing myself a big 'ol bash. midsummer nights dream theme, dance party, fruit, flowers...2 days after the full moon, 2 days before my real birthday. feels fitting as i turn the big 3-0!

Here is an excerpt about another midsummer nights dream party, from which i take inspiration.

From The Hanged Man by Francesca Lia Block

We decide to have a Midsummer Night's Dream full-moon party. My mother brings out all her white tulle and we hang it in the trees. We cut out paper stars and glue blue and pink glitter onto them and scatter them in the tulle canopies among white Christmas lights. We buy watermelons, pineapples, cantaloupes, honeydew, strawberries and cut them up and put them on platters and my mother makes her punch. It is a citrus-greenish-yellow color and it smokes. We call it the witch brew and everyone is drinking and dancing around in their white shirts and dresses and lace and masks and glittery scarves.

lost romance

2009-06-27T18:22:00.001-07:00

alexis and debbie are here tonight, sweet in their new romance. eating wineberries and soy cream by the blackberry bush, then watching the sunset from the roof.

as soon as they walked in the door, i felt downright ornery.

trout was just here overnight, and it was sweet to be with him. i so appreciate the comfort and acceptance that are endemic to his being. ease--cleaning up the broken glass from my rushing while i tend to the bleeding toe, bustin' out the chords for an impromptu gospel number at the farmer's market, landing smackdab in the middle of a new social scene complete with blueberry crepes and french animation. just rolling with all that comes.

maya today told me about planning her and chris's beach trip. "so i said, can we take on the waves, you know, really trash talk em? and most people would say...um, what are you talking about? but chris, chris is like yeah we can take on the waves!! heck yeah! i mean, who says that? who does that?" i can see so clearly how perfect they are for each other--each so vital, vibrant, kooky, kind and generous.

what all this brings up is: I MISS ROMANCE. i miss the newness, that spark of beginning, when it seems like a small miracle that such intense feelings could be reciprocated. the unfolding of mirrored recognitions......and the charm and delight of every small, shared moment. keening for that. how can i bring this back into my relationship?

well, first off--talking with maya clarified this--we should certainly stop living together. sharing our emotional, work, and social lives nearly 24/7 drives me stark raving mad, and i totally loose any sense of self and center. its been a blessed relief to have him gone, expand into the space of myself, my friends, my life. every day feels like a new gift, filled with unexpected delights and surprises. unpredictable. mutable and shifting and wild. like the world is my new lover, each day unfolding anew.

this gives me hope

2009-06-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

this beautiful clip broke me open and made me sob uncontrollably--in a good way.

holding it all

2009-06-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

sky and i sent to see Nassim Haramein speak. can't really capture him and what he had to say in words, but it left me feeling optimistic and broken open to the possibility of our evolution as a species.

on the way back, we got into a heated discussion about what it all meant for who we are and how we do our work in the world. at one point, i said something about not being able to take in all the pain in the world. i just can't hold it all.

and now, hanging up curtains in my new room, it hits me again. my father is living in iran again, we all know what is going down in israel. and now peru is in my heart as well, my friend rat is there now, participating in the latest round of gov't oppression and protests.

its alot to hold in my heart.

i feel very alone.

2009-06-07T20:46:00.000-07:00

nearly midnight, and i can't sleep. there's a stuckness in my chest, can't get it moving and so can't fall asleep. thoughts don't really help and they are keeping me awake. or is it the full moon?

some that are passing through the noggin: how can i be in a romantic relationship with someone when there is no room for us to just be, not doing, planning, working, or actively engaged in anything. just being. somehow that's reserved for when we are apart. this bums me out and sets my mind whirring towards the folks with whom this does seem possible.

stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck stuck

doesn't help that i haven't been sleeping enough, all i want to do is sleep but my body/mind won't let me.

my room is crowded with dried herbs, i borrowed ali's food dehydrator for 48 hrs, kept it full and running continuously. mulberries, mint, rosemary, chamomile, oregano, raspberry leaf, bee balm. i feel drawn to collecting and drying herbs, pushed towards it instinctively every time i step into the yard.

in the old days, medicine and cooking were the same; women cooking and adding the necessary herbs to the food for physical and emotional well being.

i look forward to the fall of civilization as we know it so we can all get back to the real stuff that matters most, programmed deeply in our bones and DNA. gathering food, sharing music, drying herbs, cooking together. just being.

what makes me tick

2009-05-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

1. berry picking
2. music-playin'on the front porch at dusk
3. guit-tar pickin'
4. chocolate eating
5. any kinda dancing
6. herb gathering
7. early to bed, early to rising
8. deep belly laughing
9. summer swimming
10. destination-less bike riding
11. late afternoon sprawled-on-couch reading
12. food processing
14. tree climbin'
15. gettin' shit done
16. lazy lollin'
17. chicken watching
18. bare feet on the earth
19. letter writing
20. just being

whirlwind, continued

2009-05-19T16:27:00.000-07:00

driving back from meditation land with lun was a trip--we got into a conversation about ascending to the 4th dimension in 2012. time is speeding up--and i can feel it. coming back, suddenly 2 collective businesses are leaping into existance (hostel and patchwork farms). lovely folk appeared, with whom i'd love to create a community. we've got a Realtor scanning for our perfect community house, looking to move by early autumn. the garden has exploded, and we're digging up a neighbor's yard for a quasi-community garden. we threw a fantastic (12 hour marathon) woodfolk 10th anniversary party. i performed 3 times in 3 days, and we took over a parking spot.

i'm still landing a bit from the transition--and it was SO GOOD to descend into the depths of my body for a week, reconnecting on a cellular level with the deepest truth: everything changes.

ironically, this feels like a vital mast to hold fast to as life rushes and streams through me.

off to meditation land

2009-05-05T08:13:00.000-07:00

amidst the flurry, i'm about to disappear into a week of silence and service. leaving behind my entire life is stressful and liberating; upon returning i'll be doing all kinds of crazy stuff. parking spot reclamation, 2 shows at the tea house, woodfolk 10th anniversary, twin oaks wedding, slideshow.

life is sweet

car-free klez

2009-04-30T10:17:00.001-07:00

my dream come true!

car free klez

announcing the urban evolution blog!!

2009-04-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

Dear friends and allies,

Our new blog is live and active: Chronicles from the Urban Evolution in Charlottesville, VA

There's a reason why the counter-culture moved back to the country in the '60's. But it's time to return to the city with the lessons learned. Often when people leave intentional community there's an assumption that they will have to re-adjust to a mainstream lifestyle. We're proving that this is not so, and this blog aims to chronicle our efforts.

Several of the early posts provide an outline of our efforts, which continue to evolve as our lives here in Charlottesville evolve. Also included in these posts is a request for financial and material support, which you are welcome to ignore. We are using this blog as a vehicle for our fund-raising efforts, but the primary purpose is to document our efforts in the hopes that they can be inspiring and/or edifying to others.

You can subscribe to our blog via the a link on the blog's sidebar . Or you can sign up for our email list, which also includes announcements about upcoming events, activities, and gatherings we're involved with here in town, and occasional articles and informational snippets we think are worth passing on. You can subscribe to the email list here or let us know and we'll put you on.

We hope you enjoy it!

In Community,
kassia and sky

spring! is! here!!! (pics to follow)

2009-04-10T12:18:00.001-07:00

(listen)

this dog barks and
how crazily houses
eyes people smiles
faces streets
steeples are eagerly

tumbl

ing through wonder
ful sunlight
-look-
selves,sir:writhe
o-p-e-n-i-n- g

are(leaves;flowers) dreams

come quickly come
run run
with me now
jump shout(laugh
dance cry sing)for

it's Spring
-irrevocably;
and in
earth sky trees
:every
where a miracle arrives

(yes)

you and I may not
hurry it with
a thousand poems
my darling
but nobody will stop it

With All The Policemen In The
World

- ee cummings

I have Pinkeye!

2009-04-07T07:22:00.000-07:00

or is it poison ivy? either way, i look like bloody hell.

april fools

2009-04-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

US Transportation System is a Giant Ponzi Scheme!

creating the ocurring world

2009-03-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

for my part--i stayed late at the vaudeville show the night he came home. was gone all the next day, in town with friends and meetings. seeking solitude in my room at night. gardening all morning saturday. didn't stop in when i got back, smokey and tired from being a rock-star in richmond. didn't come to cuddle this morning, instead staying in my comfortable groove of carrot juice, last minute email, hardening off cabbage.

i feel hurt and also scared to open up my life again, fearful of again allowing my gentle and subtle rhythm of days be subsumed into his more powerful waves...so i'll just stay here and cry to my computer.

where i'm from

2009-03-28T05:42:00.000-07:00

you can walk on the water.

good stuff about today

2009-03-27T19:09:00.000-07:00

swooping down the hill on my bike on watson at 9 AM, bleeding unexpectadly early, sharing kate's exciting news, aurora walking, robert's insights, ticklinghug from dream. meeting with shell, she brought me lentils and a carrot! strategizing the cville bike revolution. general hilarity. wearing the minnie mouse dress, polka dots and stripes. strolling, running into jennifer at the jewish pre-school, impromptu concert in the courtyard for the 3 year olds. one kid dinging along to the music with his tricycle bell. sitting with thomas under the giantly beautiful blossoming tree in lee park. diving into open presence, tapping into dormant parts of myself. early for the QCC meeting! explosion of possibilities to link with and learn from this awesome organization. dragging ass to critical mass...but our little band of 7 rocked hard all over town, even through the rain! saw a pair of striped underpants in the street. brought a couple kids home after as it turned to down pour, hot shower&snuggily clothes, alexis' enchiladas and hilarious stories of the wild days of early woodfolk. pawing through pictures of young sky, exuberant, skinny, painted and wild. rain pouring down outside. safe, warm, satisfied.

st. paddy's day special

2009-03-18T18:05:00.000-07:00

here's our practice version of "rocky road to dublin"--mala was in labor so we weren't sure if ez would make it to the show.

and here's another awesome version of the tune--check out these irish studs and their rock n' roll bodron playing!

the concert was super fun, and we're going to do it again at the twisted branch tea bazaar. hurrah!

day of magic?

2009-03-17T22:06:00.000-07:00

today sky left for california, with willow for 10 days. i left around lunch time, driving to twin oaks with tommy (/slinky/kenny), potential new VB drummer. pick-up truck. arriving at twin oaks amidst the usual tumult of emotions, and then bam, mala's in labor and having her baby.

holy shit.

we played music for most of the afternoon anyway, still toying with the beautiful sensuality that arises when trout and i play together........

playing our St. Patrick's day irish concert at tupelo, to a crowd of folk including my awesome housemates...meanwhile ez's new baby birthed around 7:30pm...

disappointment of my make-out exception being unknowingly spurned...seeing the tiny new baby, 2 hours old and so perfect. the rush of emotions--desire, sadness that sky doesn't want this, feeling out of place, rejected, alone. ready to crawl off and lick my wounds, or wallow in them.

scooped up then at the perfect moment into beautiful presence and connection. back down to continue my masochistic torture, watching trout and juniper do the subtle dance of eye-talk and tiny gestures, feeling betrayed after sharing musically SO INTIMATELY...soaking up the praises for baring myself...and then more safe warm open connection.

i feel jealous of ezra, and clearer on my own path. its too huge to make a snap decision, but all throughout the day i felt myself in the wrong place, the wrong orientation. i'd been thinking of this decision in terms of myself, the impact on my life, not in terms of who it would make me be. how it would alter my relationship to myself and the world.

so surprising to see perfect and utterly unwitting paths peep open, a reminder of the tinyness of my brain's capacity to grock this wild, wooly and wonderous life.

parking spot reclamation

2009-03-02T15:53:00.000-08:00

i wrote this for the urban evolution blog and kickstand bike zine...

“National Park(ing) Day is an opportunity to celebrate parks in cities and promote the need for more parks by creating temporary public parks in public parking spaces.” --http://tinyurl.com/parkingspot

So much of our public space is dedicated to the use of motor vehicles. Park(ing) days are a way to temporarily reclaim a small piece of that space for the people! (For more information about other Park(ing) Day events, check out http://tinyurl.com/parkingspot.) Here in Charlottesville, we created a 2-hour “park” on West Main on a Friday morning. A cardboard car served as a traffic barrier. We created a comfy living room space in our park(ing) spot with a carpet and some chairs. A table loaded down with vegan chocolate chip cookies, dumpstered chocolate, popcorn, and tea from the Twisted Branch provided an added enticement. Once we set up the space, we invited all passing bikers, pedestrians and even some cars to join us for tea and cookies. Early on we had a story hour, and later we were entertained by a violin/accordion duo. People had a variety of reactions: some ignored us, some cautiously accepted a cookie, others joined our cozy space and hung out for awhile. We had a great time, and plan to continue doing it monthly! The next Cville Park(ing) day will be on March 31st.

p.s. the cops didn't hassle us at all!

Capitol Climate Action

2009-03-02T07:21:00.001-08:00

all I did was post a few fliers and send some emails, i swear!

2009-02-27T20:22:00.000-08:00

BEEEEEEEEEP "message 1, left at 8:13 AM..."

"hi, I'm calling for Kassia. My name is sara ross from CBS 19 News and i'd like to hear more about this 'critical mass' ride that you're organizing."

me: !??!?!?!

here's the story that aired on the morning news, including a brief snippet from our interview (live at Woodfolk!)

flaky hippie is better than agro anarchist, right?

they showed up at the ride, too, and wrote the following story:

Critical Mass Bikers Spread Awareness
Friday, February 27, 2009

The people were biking for what's called Critical Mass. For many of these people, biking is their main form of transportation and they want to make sure other drivers are aware of their presence.

Charlottesville is home to a large community of bicyclists. Many of them rolled up Friday evening to show support for Critical Mass, an event to raise awareness of bikers.

"Charlottesville is a very bike-able community. We have a lot of room for improvement. But, were actually designated on a bronze level as a bicycle friendly community by the League of American Bicyclists," said Caroline Heins, a bicyclist.

David Nelson was watching as the bikers went by. He said, "I think bikes and cars can get along and its a wonderful thing to have bikes. They use light power and no gas that's wonderful."

Not everyone is out to prove a particular point. Some joined in simply because biking is fun.

"I'm always up for a group bike ride and today is a perfect day for a ride its not a torrential down pour," said Ruby Holler, another bicyclist.

The bicyclists started heading East on Main Street and rode all around the city. They hope their ride will remind drivers to share the road with bikers.

"I think the more we see people on the streets, the greater the awareness to every body who uses the roadways that it really is a shared space," Holler said.

"People will learn as things like this raise their awareness," said Nelson.

The cyclists said the more people are aware, the more biker friendly Charlottesville will be.

Critical Mass has been known to cause traffic problems in other cities. Friday we followed them for part of their ride and they did not cause many problems. There were a few honks from drivers, but other than that it looked like a smooth ride.

Critical mass takes place in cities worldwide. The event is always held on the last Friday of the month starting at 5 PM.

(gotta love the friendly cville press..........)

seeking balance

2009-02-22T13:34:00.000-08:00

my last 2 posts sum things up pretty well--higher-than-ever highs, extreme life satisfaction, and then total overwhelm, all-consuming anxiety, debilitating doubts.

the former generally applies to my "work" life--organizing projects, events, community activities. the overwhelm and anxiety creep in when the swell of accumulated responsibilities rises to a peak. and the doubt plays out in my relationship; juggling the giving of and taking space, being supportive, backing off, taking responsibility--probably i'm pmsing right now, but at the moment i just wish he would do something huge and unmistakable to show his appreciation and support for me.

ok, here's a brief list of the goods and bads:

i'm supremely psyched about:
--raw organic apricot kernels and fermented green papaya
--neighborhood garden work party, kids playing in the yard, women digging rocks out of the garden bed and laughing
--the spinach and garlic sprouting in our garden
--malt sweetened chocolate chips
--parking spot takeover, converting innocent bystanders into space-reclaimers
--the look on the face of the woman at the veteran office when i told her we'd be having tea and cookies in her parking spot
--quaker meeting
--my social skills seem to be improving with heavy use!

I'm bummed about:
--attempting to arrange impossible logistics
--laptop addiction
--lack of spiritual grounding in my life
--being cold
--endless digging
--people who don't call back
--waves of anxiety
--never catching up
--feeling obliged to nag

generally, my life is f$%&ing amazing and i feel pretty blown away by it. and, i'm learning (the hard way) about the joys and sorrows of becoming an activist martyr, super-organizer as sky calls it. since i'm not employed in the traditional sense, i feel this obligation to expend 150% of my energy working on the projects that i believe in. and, frankly, i'm still a bit surprised and shocked at my new-found effectiveness. certainly, sky is a huge help in pushing my beyond my self-perceived limits (and helping pick up the pieces when i fall of the cliff instead of leap gracefully across the abyss).

stage 2: make this life sustainable and spiritually nourishing. without that, there's no point to any of this.

today=WOW, or, too tired for pronouns

2009-02-14T22:29:00.000-08:00

7AM: re-setting the alarm, grudgingly dragging myself out of bed, groggily eating potatoes and mushrooms, biking the hilly route to hogwaller, shell's little shackety shack filled with warm baking smells and beautiful cupid bikers in red tutus and pink tuxedos. drinking coffee and eating chocochip scones, mixing a batch of scones, cleaning up, delivering an order and then home, meditate.

2PM: thea and crew arrive with ample decorations to transform the house, pinning red clothes to the ceilings, sweep, mop, repeat. transforming the bathroom in to a den of beauty. the living room into a decadent lounge and dance stage. the kitchen into a cozy snacky spot.

5PM: cooking dinner, frantically...wanting to feed and nurture everyone with dahl, rice, potatoes n' onions, cabbage salad. resting for 2 blissful minutes, cocooned in my nestbed hands over eyes.

7PM: back into the fray, last minute prepping. upstairs to transform myself into a beautiful queen (cassopeia). back down to a kitchen full of costumed wonder-folk! eyebrows shoot up and remain for the duration of the night. sky orienting people, (CASSANDRA CAME!!) who enter shoeless to our palace of love and sweet comfort. bouncing around, arranging snacks, washing last dishes. welcoming people.

9PM: creating a web of community connection and appreciation, heart swelling larger. bonfire lighting people's faces. plopping on the couch, robert telling me i'm beautiful. connecting deeply--not with words but rather shared emotion. sinking in. dancing. feeling the love vibe. getting a foot massage from raven.

people drifting off, more thanks, feeling the profundity of creating this space of openness and love here in town. amazed again that we pulled it off.

weight

2009-02-08T15:25:00.001-08:00

i've been feeling heavy of late--weighted down. yesterday while cooking dinner and
listening to israeli music i had this intensely poignant longing for judaism. for feeling a part of something spiritual, deep, meaningful, lasting. ancient.

all day i've been inexplicably on the verge of tears, like someone i love has died. no excuse, it was a beautiful sunny day. tarot told me to consult a fiery crone-like woman. know of any?

i'm losing touch with the things that are most important to me, that i am intuitively drawn to; massage, herbal healing, doula training, music. my life feels very male; goal oriented, driven. tiring. stressful. lacking in beauty and grace.

help!

Bike Rack Rap

2009-01-24T07:22:00.000-08:00

This is too good to be missed...

Seeking Bike Commuter Stories!

2009-01-22T09:15:00.000-08:00

Some of us here in Charlottesville are putting together a bike commuter zine for the Virginia Festival of the book--here's the promo, please send in your stories!!

Wanted: Bike Commuter Stories

ACCT and Community Bikes volunteers are gathering OUR stories-- from the streets of C'Ville (or other places you have ridden). Drawings, pictures and other graphics encouraged and really great stories, road finds, great conversations with friends and strangers.....

We will be creating a little bike 'zine with the best stories. We will have a debut of the zine in March during the Festival of the Book. (March 18-22).

Please send your ideas to hopefull1@excite.com or call 434-882-1516 to help with the project.

bakery moves by bike

2009-01-19T07:33:00.000-08:00

check out this awesome video of my friend Michael Dolich moving his bakery by bike! totally sweet and inpsiring.

should be sleeping

2009-01-11T21:12:00.000-08:00

latest brainstorm....

groups of neighborhood-based garden cooperatives: 4 or 5 people who have gardens and want more help with them would rotate weekly garden work parties. folks who like gardening but can't have a garden can jump in and help.

this came out of chatting with brian at food not bombs this morning. we chopped peppers and he fed an avocado to baby mave (the most intelligent looking baby i've ever soon--i swear she looks right into your soul), and tossed around ideas for building community through urban ag and growing food.

at tonsler park, we unloaded the beans and rice, fruit cake, tea and dishes. rollie x twin oaks was there, i chatted with him and he echoed the theme of late, hard up on money and wanting to start a garden. brainstormed with shelly about an urban bike commuter zine, to be released during the VA festival of the book. laughed about an article that mis-quoted her as saying that because she bikes more, her family eats less (she actually said that they consume less, as in not buying useless crap that you don't need anyway).

i walked home after, contemplating my mentrual state and reconnecting to my innards.
kelly and i had our first massage train trade later--i worked on her for an hour, then she demonstrated and we practiced on sky. she's good. she worked on my forearms and neck a bit, noodlefying my upper back. lent my a wrist brace to sleep in, and warned me to take breaks when doing garden work. stretch the wrists daily.

we're going to do weekly trades, i'll work on her for an hour, then she'll work on me and demonstrate on sky. next week, neck and shoulders. she lent me her anatomy book. feels good to get back into massage, very grounding. and a bit overwhelming how much i have to learn. still figuring out where the muscles are and how to feel them.

tomorrow is another garden day, more digging beds and maybe a field trip for some row cover--the kale and spinach are languishing. bread and puppet is in town, i'm trying to convince sky to take a night off and see them. band practice in the afternoon. life rolls on.

Horror in Gaza

2009-01-07T06:56:00.000-08:00

This snippet from The Guardian brought me to tears...

Read the full article here

>>Israel's assault on Gaza has exacted the bloodiest toll of civilian lives yet, when the bombing of UN schools being used as refugee centres and of housing killed more than 50 people, including an entire family of seven young children.

The UN protested at a "complete absence of accountability" for the escalating number of civilian deaths in Gaza, saying "the rule of the gun" had taken over. Doctors in Gaza said more than 40 people died, including children, in what appears to be the biggest single loss of life of the campaign when Israeli bombs hit al-Fakhora school, in Jabaliya refugee camp, while it was packed with hundreds of people who had fled the fighting.

Most of those killed were in the school playground and in the street, and the dead and injured lay in pools of blood. Pictures on Palestinian TV showed walls heavily marked by shrapnel and bloodstains, and shoes and shredded clothes scattered on the ground. Windows were blown out.

Hours before, three young men who were cousins died when the Israelis bombed Asma elementary school in Gaza City. They were among 400 people who had sought shelter there after fleeing their homes in Beit Lahiya, in northern Gaza.

Abed Sultan, 20, a student, and his cousins, Rawhi and Hussein Sultan, labourers aged 22, died. Abed Sultan's father, Samir, said the bodies were so mangled that he could not tell his son from the cousins. "We came to the school when the Israelis warned us to leave," he said. "We hoped it would be safe. We were 20 in one room. We had no electricity, no blankets, no food.

"Suddenly we heard a bomb that shook the school. Windows smashed. Children started to scream. A relative came and told me one of my sons was killed. I found my son's body with his two cousins. They were cut into pieces by the shell."

The UN was particularly incensed over targeting of the schools, because Israeli forces knew they were packed with families as they had ordered them to get out of their homes with leaflet drops and loudspeakers. It said it had identified the schools as refugee centres to the Israeli military and provided GPS coordinates.
>>

The Charlottesville Peace and Justice is joining the nationwide call for an end to US funding of the Israeli attacks on Gaza this Saturday, January 10, 12pm at the Federal Courthouse.

triple balancing act

2009-01-05T19:51:00.000-08:00

just over a year ago, i gave a presentation for the ending of adamah, a 3 month jewish farming program in connecticut. i told my fellow community members that i am a musician, a healer, and a community builder.

now i find myself balancing these three:

frantically learning new tunes for this saturday's gig with the accordian death squad, biking across town to band practice with my violin on my back. busking on the downtown mall.

studying to be a doula, scheduling massage practices with my massage therapist housemate. bartering massage for mending.

helping create community in this house and in charlottesville, networking, scheming, connecting. cooking dinner and apple crisp for my housemates. digging up the garden and somehow attracting a crowd of eager volunteers. creating a vision statement for a new community.

during the past 2.5 years of travel, tumult and transition, i've yearned continuously to settle down and put down roots. and now that i'm finally blessed with the opportunity to do just that, i can see so clearly that the depth and quality of my life right now is directly related to that extended period of exploration and experimentation.

random gut selection

2009-01-02T20:30:00.000-08:00

today was a day when i often felt like crawling out of my skin and flogging myself. it started on a sour note and seems to be ending on one. hormonal swings make it tough to remember that everything is constantly changing, each moment a fresh opportunity.

alot of the shit i was spewing this morning landed on sky, still we dug up the garlic patch-to-be and got a stereo from a craigslist dude. driving around endless post-urban sprawl was my first descent into The Pit. my absolute least favorite activity, buying shit (groceries, speaker cable) and driving around endlessly. blueberry-banana-clementine-maple smoothie helped, and meditating and showering did wonders. the bike ride to brian and cassandra's was completely delightful, feeling strong and flying down hills.

the hormones will just flare and take over, dragging me along spitting fire. its a bit alarming and disturbing. picked a fight with alexis over nothing, and ended up upstairs in tears. i could rant but as sky said, why bother generating more negativity.

on a bright note, our meeting, the first face to face urban design council, was totally awe-inspiring and amazing. we have a totally rad group of people with the perfect skill set and energy to work. and a 5-3 F-M gender ration!

i have a feeling the next week or so is going to be a bumpy ride as my hormones drag me through the dirt. hopefully i can get a few seeds in the ground along the way...

landing is hard

2008-12-24T19:44:00.001-08:00

ok, so now we're back. the community hopping is over, the gallivanting and jet setting and international networking on pause for now as i focus on landing, settling and nesting. ironically, i've been yearning for this moment since i began this 2.5 year journey. but arriving here at long last is...well, a bit scary and intimidating. suddenly i'm supposed to create a life: a real, long-lasting, rooted and meaningful one. eek! so much easier to suck the marrow out of a week's stay at fascinating community X.

the various dreams and goals that have been piling up over the past years are washing over me in a wave of overwhelm: music projects, learning to crochet, gardening and preserving food, doing massage, training to be a doula, building community, creating a family (?!!? this one has its own, special level of overwhelm), going raw, being vegan, raising chickens, learning to bead and sew, baking bread, creating community, creaing community, creating community.....aaggghhh!!!!!!!!

and then there's the nitty gritty of a semi-mainstream life to deal with: going to the dentist, getting health care, switching bank accounts to the less evil one, inputting numbers into the new cell phone...

on this grey and lonely christmas eve, i just want to bury my head in my greg palast book and hide.

a week at can mas deu

2008-12-10T13:29:00.000-08:00

i continue to be very impressed with can masdeu's awesome radical and collective culture. here's the normal flow of their week, the requirements for each community member:

Sunday: Big day for the social center. 100-400 people show up each week. they serve up a delicious mid-day meal (usually 4 euros), host several workshops each week, give a big tour of the place, sell beer/wine/cake/empanadas, and provide a comfy hang out space into the evening. Usually about 1/4th of the people that show up are new to can masdeu, the rest of regulars or infrequent visitors.

this past sunday, 3 person polish circus showed up (and performed) and a gypsy-swing guitar player set the mood in the main room. lunch included polenta, artichoke, salad, and pumpkin soup. people hung out in groups inside and out, attended workshops, checked out the propaganda, library, free store, t-shirts and buttons, drank beer and ate cake until about 10pm. the money from this weekly event goes to support the house. each person is responsible for running 2 of these sundays/year.

Monday: chill day

Tuesday: work day in the house. tasks were collated on a sheet posted prominently during the week, and the day is organized by one member. community members are supposed to be were around to participate in this big fixer upper day, and the majority were. lots of stuff got cleaned, fixed, and rearranged. in the evening, everyone gathers for a movie or other communal activity (this week, a slide-show presentation about Twin Oaks!)

Wednesday: Bread day. 2 members run the brick wood-fired oven, and lots of other folks pop in to help out and hang out. they make bread for the house, as well as for other communities and CSAs in town. this system is called "auto-renta", in which community members run small businesses out of the building. they contribute some to the community and keep the rest.

Thursday: Garden day! all members are supposed to participate and most do. its also open to the public, and many friends and satellites of the community come by to work.

Friday: Bread day 2: officially open to other folks as a "workshop" day.

Saturday: chill day

The community´s labor system is called "minimums," a total of about 20 hours per week. the minimum that each member must do is: 2.5 cooking shifts/month (2 solo and one shared, or some such combo), one house-cleaning task/montrh, attend the community meeting every other week, the tuesday work day, thursday gardening day, and take one one large or 2 small areas of responsibility. they pay 25 euros/month towards food.

they own a collective car and of course, the rent is free. unfortunately, they are CLOSED to new members for the forseeable future....

my favorite uncle

2008-12-10T13:25:00.000-08:00

me and my persian/parisian uncle saed! i love the look of supressed mirth that we share.

prague-paris-barcelona

2008-12-05T03:46:00.000-08:00

i guess we've been moving to fast to find time for blogging...we just descended into a solid week of tourism! its exhausting to be a tourist!

after a delightful time at k77 in berlin, we moved south to prague. in 2 words: freezing and beautiful. we were staying with paxus' wife out-law on the total siberian end of town, a long and bumpy tram ride to the edge of nowhere...it certainly never got higher then 32 degrees the whole time we were there. we did lots of walking around, saw beautiful palaces and cathedrals, ducked into cozy restaurants and cafes, and tried to stomach chzek food (still more potatoes and cheese). prague is hopelessly touristy, even in the bitter cold of late november. its also unbelievably beautiful. we took a day trek out to kutna hora, a small village an hour south that is also cute and beautiful, and features a giant cathedral and a church that is decorated with human bones from their cemetary!

we rode the night train (with sleeper beds! and unfortunately, no heat!) to paris. it was our cheapest option for getting to the other side of europe, and a good opportunity to visit my (favorite) uncle, saied. he's the youngest of my dad's brothers, and i hadn't seen him and his family for 15 years. he's a total sweetie, laid back, good-natured, and generally fun to be around. his 3 daughters were around some, too, and my aunt cooked us lots of yummy persian food. 3 more days of tourism, wandering around the louvre, monmart, more cafes (unavoidable in paris), and the eiffel tour by night. the subway was totally overrun by buskers, but i tried anyway and did alright, in the station and on the train itself (always a bit nervewracking...). i tried again on top of monmart, in front of the cathedral overlooking the city, and became a photo-op for many passing tourists. some even posed with me!

and now, we're at our final stop, Can Masdeu. Its a formerly squatted community on the edge of barcelona. they squatted it 7 years ago in a dramatic action in which they hung chairs, tables, and bathtubs out the windows with ropes, and then "hung" themselves there for 3 days (sitting in the chairs, bathtub, etc.). after 3 days with no food, water, or proper clothes, and massive protests and support in barcelona, the judge ruled that the right to life was more important than the right to property! they're still a bit nervous about being evicted, but in the meantime have created a beautiful and bustling community of 28 folks, lots of gardens, communal meals, regular community work days in the garden and in their bakery, and weekly sunday open-houses with workshops, food, and a bar.

berlin bathroom

2008-11-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

Christiania

2008-11-25T05:40:00.000-08:00

...the latest mass email post, a collaborative effort with sky...

Christiania is a free town/autonomous zone inside the borders of Copenhagen. It was an abandoned military base.

In 1969, some people broke through the fence and started squatting, with the intention of creating a free society. After many fights with the police, the zone was granted a special status in the danish system and the village was allowed to exist. The original people were a combination of student activists, drug pushers and hippies. They declared Christiania a "free zone" which determines its own rules and laws. One of the exit arches reads "you are now entering the EU."

Christiania is home to about 650 adults and 300 children. There are an incredible number of shops and businesses, as well as services run by Christianites. These include: garbage pickup, small grocery stores, a bath house, an indoor skateboard park, a large recycled building materials shop, several art galleries, one of Copenhagen's fanciest restaurants (which includes a row of tables specially reserved for Christianites and a special, cheaper menu for them), a women's iron forge, a shop that refurbishes old stoves, a kindergarten, and many others. One of the things Christiania is most famous for are their bikes. They developed a kind of tricycle with the parallel wheels in front, supporting a large carrying container.

They are consensus based (again, disproving the claim that consensus doesn't work in large groups.) The area is divided into about a dozen sub-sections that themselves have autonomy over certain decisions like who gets to move into vacated residences. There is also a large theater that is used for meetings of the entire community. The Christianites are responsible for maintaining everything, the buildings, the utlities, the roads, etc. They pay the government each month for the water and electricity used by the entire community. Everyone pays 2000 kroners (about $300) to live in Christiania, no matter whether you live in a flat in one of the large buildings or a old circus wagon, which covers utilities and the various public services.

Our first visit was on a rainy sunday afternoon. Our host, a former member of Christiania, took us for a visit at his girlfriends house, in Christiania, for some coffee and apple cake. Her house is right on the waterway that runs through Christiania, where houses are technically "illegal." .Some houses in Christiania have been built from the ground up, but most are the original military buildings that have been (illegally) expanded and added to. Ironically, the government is barred from knocking down the old military portion of those buildings deemed illegal because of historical preservation laws. When you look at a house sometimes you can just barely make out the old brick box that was the original military shelter amidst a creative and expansive construction.

As a free town, Christiania was still organized around certain firm boundaries. Christiania's Common Law states, "Christiania's commitment is to create and sustain a self-governing community, in which everyone is free to develop and express their selves, as responsible members of the community." Their prohibitions are "no weapons, no hard drugs, no violence, no private cars, no biker's colours, no bulletproof clothing, no sale of fireworks, no use of thunderflashes, no stolen goods." Interesting mix, eh?

Twin Oaks blurs the line between community (in the contemporary understanding) and society. Usually, it seems, communities have a sense of purpose. Twin Oaks has some of this, but mostly it's purpose is to perpetuate itself. In this way it is like a society. Christiania pushes this even further, partly because it is so much bigger, but also because it is so much more diverse. The various demographics: the pushers and users, the activists, the hippies, the families, all have more room to develop sub-cultures. This makes decision-making that much more challenging. Being a model, being something "uniquely danish" as the Christiania guide states, is certainly important to many people. Being a safe haven for (soft) drug use is vital to many others. "Pusher street" once had as many as 50 stands openly selling hash and marijuana, the other thing Christiania is perhaps most famous for. Various crackdowns have eliminated the open market, but at its height, Christiania was the center of the european pot trade, with about $1 million passing through the community every day. The vibrancy of the arts, music, and performance culture is the focus for others.

The incredible freedom and beauty that comes from autonomy and freedom of expression possible in Christiania is palpable and tangible as one walks through the community. There are sculptures, beautiful graffiti murals, mosaics and paintings everywhere you look. And the feeling of an entire village that has been created outside of the usual of public space stratas (private, residential or public, commercial) is very special. It feels vibrant, alive, and rich. Its a bit like walking around a rainbow gathering or maybe burning man, where you are surrounded by unchecked creative expression. Music pours out of the various venues, clumps of people gather in the streets, and the air vibrates with energy. And given that this was once a military instillation, the transformation seems even more profound. The diversity of experience is striking, where, for example, the stairwell to the fancy restaurant is completely covered in graffiti, top to bottom. Also striking was walking from Christiania's slightly hectic urban center to the peaceful and serene waterfront residential areas, where it was not hard to imagine being out in a rural commune. "Christiania has many faces," one member said to us.

"Christiania has many faces," and one way this has come up recently is in the struggles with the danish government. The history of Christiania has been marked by conflict. Even so, like SWOMP in Amsterdam the idea of this kind of thing existing in Washington DC is beyond comprehension. Over the years, changes in the government have brought a more hostile attitude towards the free town, especially towards the open drug market. Things have been especially tense over the last 5 years since a strongly right-wing government came into power with a clear intention to "normalize" Christiania. Christiania persists, although, of course, things have changed. The pressure has clearly taken a toll on the community. Arts and culture seem to be at a low point, and although the drug market is still underground, the substance use culture seems to dominate. A certain tension and depravity seemed to hang over the "downtown" of Christinia, where pusher street is the main drag. The fact that at most times there are more men than women on the street was an obvious symptom of this for us.

Our second visit highlighted the struggles of the free town, both internally and with the government. Christianites have been in a complex negotiating process in court with the Danish government about their legal status. Whenever the negotiations break-down, the police come in and knock down a few of the "illegal" houses. We arrived in the late morning on such a day. Negotiations had been stalled since the spring, and the police had come in the morning and knocked down the "illegal" part of one of the houses next to the river. Well into the afternoon, fully-geared cops roamed around and the streets were full of small clusters of people, tense and agitated, often shouting insults at the police. A protest was being planned, and most businesses had closed their doors. On one street, people spray-painted giant banners for the action. Many people were drinking or drunk, and an increasing number of the Christiania supporters arriving on the scene were young and black clad or older and staggering. One man that we talked to said years ago, Christiania was a haven for arts, performance, and other expressions of creativity; we agreed that this was hard to see today. Another person told us, "there's going to be a fight." As if to highlight this about 10 minutes later someone in Christiania shot a flare over a circling police helicopter. Around that time about 700 - 1000 people marched from the Christiansborg Palace to Christiania, marking the beginning of the day's active conflict.

Witnessing all this, what was clear was that only a small percentage of the protesters were members of Christiania. The people on the Christiania streets, and marching through the center of the city, were mostly young, black-clad, dreaded and pierced anarchists. Christiania's numerous children, famlies, and elderly members were noticably absent from the protests. For many people, it seemed like what was happening was a convenient excuse to fight with the police.

We returned that evening to a diabolic scene. People had been protesting in the streets all afternoon, and now the show-down was focused in front of Christiania. Traffic down the main street that runs along Christiania was blocked off by police vans and cops in full riot gear. A huge bonfire burned in the intersection near the Christiania main entrance. We snuck around back and ran into a bank of tear gas, then circled back to the front beyond the cop barricade but still a couple of blocks from the entrance. Other people were gathered in this area, talking and taking pictures. There were several large media vans with numerous reporters, photographers and filmers on the scene. Occassionally a battalion of police vans would tear down a parallel street and come at the throng of protestors from one of the other sides of the intersection.

We'd see people run down the street to meet the police, throwing bottles and rocks, only to run back to the bonfire a minute later followed by a cloud of tear gas. Eventually about 8 vans and several dozen riot police converged on the intersection and cleared the demonstration, pushing the conflict down side streets and into the edges of Christiania itself.

The next morning, the smell of tear gas lingered at the entrance, and a large piece of pavement had melted from the bonfire. Various people on the Christiania streets swept up broken glass and other debris, but these were the only remnants of the previous nights madness. Inside, things had returned to normal; shops were open and people lingered in the streets. We took a long walk around the canal past all the different small neighborhoods and isolated dwellings, all cute and/or funky to the extreme. We walked through the idealic courtyards and gardens of the old V shaped military installations - perfect for community. We met an artist who had just returned from painting in NYC, who very warmly invited us and welcomed us to look around.

We passed by the house that had been partially knocked down the day before; the cops had removed the "illegal" additions to the original military building; and people were already busy rebuilding it. When we mentioned this to our host he expressed a certain cynicism about this, that there was no way the Christianites could keep that up over the long term if the police persist. Still, it was a powerful image of community and freedom.

Sky's theory is that it is likely that the demolishing efforts are a calculated effort to divide Christiania and tarnish the community's reputation in the city, or at least to light a fire under the Christianites to keep the negotiations moving. If the government actually wanted to demolish the the illegal buildings, it seems unlikely that they would send in a single crew with a small police escort to take down one house. But even if this is not the intent it is certainly the effect. Several people told us that traffic had been at a standstill in several parts of the city center because of the conflict. A housemate of our host told us that on the bus people were wondering why things were stalled. She told them there were conflicts around Christiania, which elicited disparaging remarks towards the Christianites. This is ironic given that the number of Christianites in the conflict was probably quite small.

Our host's girlfriend told us that she came home from work not realizing what was going on. As she rode her bike towards the entrance she hit a cloud of tear gas and had to stop. Several of the protestors came over to her, and when she explained that she lived there and was just trying to get home they helped her through the scene. The latest issue of the Christiania newspaper published the most recent court document the lawyers for the community had prepared. The day after the confrtontation a community meeting was to be held to talk about what to do. Our host and his girlfriend confirmed that the community is divided over the issue of strategy.

When asked if the government will be successful in its effort to reintegrate Christiania into the normal functioning of municiple operations and housing market, both our host and a few members said no, but there will be changes. Changes had already started. The shift in culture for one, as well as an acquiescence of the part of Christiania businesses to operate fully under Copenhagen business rules. Also, the winds of politics may be changing. The right-wing government is increasingly unpopular, and will likely become more so given their handling of the recent global financial upheavels (most notably in their decision to cut subsidies for housing development at the same time that banks are less able to make loans, which will likely mean a severe rise in unemployment.)

Whatever happens, the future of Christiania is likely to continue to be colorful and dramatic.

alien seeking family

2008-11-23T22:28:00.002-08:00

"It'd be like being in Austin and not visiting your sister. Tobias is family," Sky explains his day trip down to Belzig. Sky has alot of family. There's the biological ones in California and Oregon: an x-twin oaker hippie dad and erratic mad scientist of a brother in Chico, CA. Various aunts, uncles, and cousins in Chico and the Bay Area. His Born-again Christian mom, X-cop step-dad, and half-sister up in Baker City, Oregon. Plus one more half sister and her family further south in California. Then there's the Star family: Paxus, Hawina and Willow...fairy godmother Joy....dog Spot (actually a person with multiple personalities)...Tobias here in Germany....

i woke up this morning in the grips of an intense dream of my own diminutive family. my mom, dad, sister and i have managed to fling ourselves to the furthest corners possible--mom's still in my childhood hometown in michigan's remote upper peninsula, Niku (sis) in Austin, Texas, me in VA and my dad in Iran, with a month out of each year in San Francisco. We couldn't have planned it better if we'd tried; as though we're fleeing from the trauma of the confluence of adolescence and ugly divorce. i certainly played an active part in that (both the trauma and the fleeing), running off to boarding school at 16 and mostly cutting ties with my dad, ignoring my sister's attempts to maintain connection and correspondence, and repeatedly hanging the phone up on my (poor long suffering) mother.

It worked pretty well. My relationship with each of them has limped along pathetically for years, and its only recently that i've really gotten how deeply important these relationships are and begun attempting to repair them. the first 4 meditation courses that i sat, my family dominated my dream life. Repeatedly sitting with myself and my wild monkey mind for 10 day stretches brought up those powerful and damaged emotional ties in a strong way. shoved down in my day-to-day, they were vivid and intense in my night time brain.

Last month i did a Landmark Course, and gratefully followed the coaching and encouragement to "clean up" with my family. Of course this can't be done in a couple of phone calls, but its a start. i called each of them and bared my soul, opened up, fessed up: acknowledged, apologized, and appreciated. over the years, my mother has managed to most effectively overcome my attempts to float off into the ether, and so also it was with her that it was the easiest to start bridging the divide. my dad and sister are further away emotionally and geographically. it will take longer with them, but i am newly committed to repairing these connections.

in last night's dream, i was bathed in the reality of my childhood connections to my nuclear family, before things got awkward, painful, difficult. Without these connections, and others like them, i'm just an alien floating unmoored. a wise woman once told me that i've lived most of my previous lives on other planets, and haven't fully planted my feet on this one yet. that i often feel alien and apart, unsure how to connect. this resonates strongly--though i have a deep yearning to root and connect, there is a lot of fear and anxiety wrapped up in years of failed attempts and self-defeating behavior in this realm. The same woman asked me, "what is it that are you afraid of in choosing a place and putting down roots?" hem, haw, hem haw.....

"of being alone."

...bizarre and frustrating since i also have intense social anxiety and get quickly overwhelmed by inter-personal contact. despite many long hours of self-reflection, my psyche is still a great mystery.

All to say. I miss my family. I miss family. And I'm tired of being an alien.

svanholm

2008-11-22T06:43:00.000-08:00

this is a bit dated now, as we were in copenhagen a couple of weeks ago...

Svanholm is the Danish Twin Oaks, with a few notable differences. The community is 30 years old. They are 60 adults and 50 (!) kids living on a 1000 acre estate, about an hour NW of copenhagen. About a third of the members work outside the community. The rest work in one of the community run businesses (a crate making factory, large organic vegetable and dairy farm, and fruit/vegetable packing businesses, kindergarden, and a small organic shop), or in one of the service areas: car/bike maintenance, building maintenance, cooking, etc. For jobs that no-one wants to do, the community hires local X-members or folks who live in the area. Since the crate/pallet construction factory came with the estate, there are some local employees who pre-date the community! This is less awkward than it seems, since Svanholm is culturally and ideologically quite close to the Danish mainstream (certainly more so than TO).

The community makes decisions by consensus (contradicting those that say that consensus doesn't work in a large group,) and most decisions are decided in their monthly meeting. Right now, they are experimenting with incorporating a smaller committee to take on some of the smaller decisions on a more frequent basis. The family is the basic unit at Svanholm; the community was started by 2 families who put an ad in a newspaper; 80 people came to the first meeting! Most folks who move there come as a family. In Denmark, kids are not seen as a financial burden because of the state subsidies for families with children. The different cultural attitude towards kids is very palpable. There are lots of good kid spaces, including a large open area above the dining hall, complete with a playhouse and a set of giant legos. Socially, it is much less active than TO; families mostly go to their own spaces after dinner.

Svanholm recently shifted away from sharing all of their income equally, as they had done for many years. They changed to an 80%/20% system when they noticed that new people were averse to sharing 100% of their income and had stopped moving to the community. Now there's a complex system in members keep a portion of their income, though most still goes to the community for taxes, common expenses, food, etc. Those that work inside are paid wages on paper and still keep a portion . Members keep 20% of the first chunk of earnings, then 10% for a subsequent chunk, and there's a cap after that. This shift in their economic policy seems to have had the desired affect, as the community welcomed 5 new families this year. Over the years, Svanholm has been moving in a more individualistic direction socially and culturally, as well; many people have personal cars, there is less group-living, and more walls are being put up to divide spaces for the individual families. One notable difference between TO and Svanholm emerged in a short aside from our lovely tour guide, Pauline. She was talking about how the building group was very busy now because many of the families that move in want to have their own bathroom and kitchen. She said "we have a hard time saying no to each other." My experience at Twin Oaks is that people seem to have a hard time saying yes to each other. (sorry , couldn't resist that bit of recent x-member bitterness : ) )

Another big difference is in the length of membership and commitment to the community. 12 of the founding members still live at Svanholm, and many have lived there for over 15 years. When new members join, the community makes a decision to accept them after 3 months. After a year, the members make a commitment to the community. And if they want to leave, they must give a year's notice so that the community can budget for the change. There are also fewer younger members in their 20's, though many young interns come for several months in the spring, summer and fall.

Svanholm's public (and private) spaces are large, spacious, and aesthetically pleasing. There's lots of natural wood, large windows and good lighting. Almost all of the buildings existed when they got there (it was an estate with roots in the nobility), and are very old and beautiful. The dining room is large and spacious,

with a big kid's area upstairs. Everyone takes the weekends off and the relaxed feeling is palpable. On Saturday of our visit, a bunch of people came out to spend the day beautifying the dining hall. They'd gotten some material to hang as curtains in an attempt to help dampen the sound. About 25 people showed up, totally voluntarily and off the labor system. After a brief meeting about the day's plan (with lots of coffee and laughter), they all set to work ironing the curtains, dusting, clearing out clutter, and generally giving the dining room some love. Upstairs, a gaggle of kids worked on a talent show and performed it for the adults after lunch. The older kids baked some cakes for a mid-afternoon snack. The general feeling of the day was of one of cooperation and joy.

We were hosted by 2 members who had spent time in VA; Arne, his partner Hele and their 2 kids had spent 2 months at Twin Oaks in 1997. They had thoroughly enjoyed their visit and later hosted John and Marsha (sungergia) for a Svanholm visit. Pauline had lived at Innisfree for 2 years, and been to several Communities Conferences. Arne is very interested in fostering more cross-atlantic exchanges between the two communities, so come on by for a visit! They were wonderful hosts and very charming folk.

post meditation course berlin

2008-11-21T12:48:00.000-08:00

as always, the 24 hours post-meditation course are very action-packed and exciting.

sky and i just sat a sati-patthana sutta course at the german goenka vipassana center. its an advanced course that goes over one of the main scriptures from the buddha. i really loved the center and the course; as always, i got alot out of it and also feel daunted by how much further there is to go.

we've gently landed in berlin, driving north through a huge snowstorm with some fellow meditators. the perfect ride to Kastanienallee 77, urban commune recommended by new friends from torri superiori in italy. its a former squat, community of artists and activists in three buildings that interconnect. the folks that squatted it back in '92 did a creative squatting action of dressing up at doctors and planting a heart in the center of the building. some how they managed to keep it from the cops and the landlords, and now basically own the buildings. each room has been very creatively renovated and they've kept alot of the original walls and doors for a very funky new/old feeling.

more to come........

briefly back from the void

2008-11-12T01:00:00.000-08:00

greetings friends, my apologies for the brief disappearance into the void. sky, willow and i spent the last week at torri superiori, an unbelievably beatutiful eco-village in the mountains of northern italy (near the mediteranean and the border of France). the community of about 15 adults and 6 kids lives in a set of interconnected and overlapping built on top of itself over 900 years. yes, its just as amazing as it sounds. it was olive season, so we spent alot of time climbing trees in the olive grove. the folks there were totally awesome, sweet and laid back. and naturally, the food was unbelievably delicious.

today we head up to treibel, germany for an 8 day meditation course; so i'l be entering the pit of silence again until nov. 21...

zombies and dinner

2008-11-01T01:28:00.000-07:00

yesterday we tagged along with the anti-capitalist zombie march. paxus' blog has a great description, and here's one of my favorite photos.

Then we came home and cooked up another feast: brown rice with cashews and sweet potatoes, green beans with garlic, roasted onions and eggplant, and leftover surprise.

Casa Robino

2008-10-31T14:16:00.000-07:00

dinner at the casa

Sky and I wrote this piece together for our Cville mass email list.

While in Amsterdam, we stay at Casa Robino, a kind of half-collective house half-crash pad. We found the house on Bewelcome.org, the newest manifestation of the hospitality network phenomena. Robin, who rents the flat and energetically holds the intention of the space, has been active in hitchhiking and hospitality networks for years. The house is a hub for cross-pollination because Robin is well connected, as are his friends (a friend of Paxus' had pointed us in his direction).

Long and interesting conversations often start around the dinner table, and then go on late into the night. On the second evening, the conversation lingered on the politics of hospitality networks. Both Robin and his friends Casper and Anu, also Casa Robino "hosts" (anyone who stays there is referred to as a host, as opposed to a guest), had been very involved with couchsurfing.com. They were upset that the company has gone much more corporate and explained that BeWelcome was predominatley started by disenchanted couchsurfers. Couchsurfing.com is now owned by one guy who had feigned an effort at collective engagement and then pushed people (like anu) out. It has increasingly focused on being a commercial operation and the people who use it are more mainstream, more focused on partying, more adverse to the elements of the network like hitchhiking.

A couple days into our stay at Casa Robino we decided to do some dumpsterdiving for the house. Dumpsterdiving in Amsterdam primarily involves going to one of the many daily street markets around closing time at 5 or 6pm, and picking through the conspicuous blue trash bins. In stark contrast to the US, vendors (in particular, the ones from Turkey or Morocco) will sometimes offer other food headed for the trash if they see you or if you ask nicely. At the market, we met up with with Lily and Mindy from the extended Casa Robino network. Lily is australian, traveling in euorope and working on a documentary about dumpster diving; Robin had put us in touch so that she could film us in action. We got a pretty good haul and then went back to Casa Robino to cook up a feast of liberated food. Paxus and Aisha (another dutch friend of Robins) joined us for dinner, and the evening's post-dinner conversations meandered back towards the politics of activism and hosting.

Aisha spoke passionatley about her frustrations with the rough edges of the anarchist squatting movement; she hopes to create an ashram and is not interested in the violent edge and constant uncertainty of squatting. Robin talked about his involvement with the spanish anarchist/squatters movement. He had lived and worked in Barcelona for 8 years, and left feeling very disillusioned. He recounting the story of an anarchist in a squat in Barcelona who threw himself to his death off a 5 story building. At the time, he asked, how could this happen in a community like this? This query led him to conclude that relationships are key to world transformation, including our relationship with ourselves. If we can't deal with the fucked up stuff in ourselves, how can we deal with it in the world? Casa Robino is an effort in this direction. The house is based on transforming the world through granting people unconditional trust; it operates on the principles of open space technology. People come in, get a set of keys, have access to the resources of the house, and they have transformative experiences. This possibility was palpable that evening. It was so amazing to feel total ownership over this kitchen and host a dinner party at a house we had just arrived at a few nights prior; deep satisfaction for one who yearns to root.

The Day After

2008-10-29T10:40:00.000-07:00

We went back to Christiania today to check out the destruction. But other than the lingering smell of tear gas at the main entrance and a patch of melted pavement where the bonfire had been, there wasn't much to be found.
We went for a long walk around the canal that cuts through the community and explored some of the quiet outer "neigborhoods." It was leafy and peaceful, far away from last night's madness.

We passed by the site of yesterday's house demolition. A bunch of people were around, rebuilding it already! the local news station was there, filming for tonights news.

One of my favorite parts of Christiania is the many public toilets.

show down at Christiania

2008-10-29T01:33:00.000-07:00

Here is the article we posted on Indymedia; we arrived just in time with the camera. We are staying just down the street from Christiania, but don't worry mom, i'm not in any danger!

Tensions were high in Christiania Tuesday morning following the demolition of a residence in the free town. The incident is the latest in the ongoing struggle between Christiania and the Danish government. According to one resident, the eviction process resumes when the negotiations stall.

Following the demolition, groups of police continued to patrol the area while people from around the city congregated in Christiania. Around noon someone in Christiania shot a flare over a circling helicopter. Around 1pm approximatley 700 protesters, Christianits and supporters marched from the Christiansborg palace to Christiania. Things quieted in late afternoon, but by 7:30pm a large fire was burning in the intersection in front of the main Christiania entrance and police were blocking off traffic to the main road city road along Christiania.

Around 8:30pm police in riot gear pushed through the fire and the crowd with tear gas, moving the confrontation into Christiania and pushing onlookers back from the intersection. Fire trucks moved in to extinguish the flames. Throughout the confrontation there were loud booms, and cascading sparks from tear gas canisters and fireworks volleyed back and forth between police and protesters.

there's a good video from one of the local news networks, and one from earlier in the day

this is what democracy looks like

2008-10-28T00:52:00.000-07:00

report from copenhagen:
we are spending out last few days staying with an x-christianite who lives very close to christiania (a large autonomous "free" zone/villiage within the city limits). last night we cooked dinner for for him and one of his housemates (quinoa w/roasted nuts, brussel sprouts, and a vegatable roast of carrots, potatoes and parsnips). Ditlev, our host, has his own businesses doing mediation and conflict resolution. he has no formal education in this (he used to be a carpenter), he just learned it living in christiania and working with group processes.

Yette, one of his housemates, works for a trade union and is a local politician. many years ago, she and some other people bought 2 ajoining houses and knocked out walls to make it a large open space for a collective. there are a few more walls now, but its still collectively owned and managed. Yette serves on denmark's version of city council--for copenhagen, a 55 person board that includes students and people of all walks of life. she represents the red-green party, a fusion of socialist and environmental parties. Their city council is similar to the national parliament in that it has proportional representation--so all parties must continuosly work together to create a critical mass for any particular piece of legislation. yette openly scoffed at our "democratic" 2 party system, and at the 9 month soap opera of election lead-up. hard to argue with that....

ain't she cute?

2008-10-27T04:45:00.000-07:00

here's my mom in austin! in addition to being f'n adorable, she is an all around rock star. yay mom! thanks for everything!

denmark

2008-10-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

way too much to say but i don't want to fall too far behind so here's a brief midnight update. we're in copenhagen, denmark now and spent the past couple of days at svanholm, an egalitarian community very much like twin oaks. it was beautiful out there, the land was formerly a large estate including a nobleman's mansion. there are 60 adults and 50 kids that live there, and the kid friendly vibe is very strong. we brought willow with us and it was super fun to get some more time with him, i'm so enjoying our growing connection. we gave our first slide show presentation, and explored the various playgrounds.

now we're back in copenhagen, tonight we went to a party for the 20th anniversary of a culture house. hawina's friend ann is on the board, we were her guests there. she asked me to play some klezmer so i had my first solo stage performance in who knows how long! very fun but i bit nerve wracking. my leo side does love that undivided attention.

i've eaten enough sourdough rye bread in the past few days to feed an eastern european army. its just in my blood, i guess.

the voice gets louder

2008-10-20T23:27:00.000-07:00

struggling to keep hanging up on the self-destructive voice in my head, and to break its strangling grip on my now-ness.

today we travel to the south of amsterdam, tomorrow a long train ride to copenhagen. perhaps i'll have time to learn a few tunes and journal along the way.

busking and the pitfalls of dutch rap

2008-10-18T15:12:00.000-07:00

first european busking attempt today! after riding across town on "gypsy," (the rickety yellow casa robino bike) in an on-off-and-on drizzle with the chain falling off every 5 minutes, standing up b/c the seat is too high, i found a spot near one of the entrances to the central train station. i felt pretty pessimistic as people flowed by in both directions paying no attention in their rush. but by the third song, a few people began throwing small coins into my case, and soon i had a string of eager listners, a few 2 euro coins, 2 ten euro notes (!) and even 5 pounds. i played for about an hour before heading back to meet up with pax and sky, and raked in a grand total of just over 40 euros! very gratifying.

one guy asked where i'm from, and then "which state?" "virginia" "ah, a swing state!"

tonight, sky and i went to a squat for a hip hop and reggae show, a pretty friendly scene with plates of falafal and hoummous for 4 euro, lots of dreddy, punky, and just plain old dorky folks and some very very silly dutch rappers. just a bit too bouncy, and the language really is unavoidably inherently silly sounding. some awesome graffiti there, photos to come....